FRAGILE ALL JULY

Artwork by: Devon Deshaun @dev.deshaun - devondeshaun.com

I was in a delicate state all thirty one days last month. Actually, on the 31st day was when I awoke from this fog and decided to start taking steps in a different direction. This day I went to see some art and treated myself to a nice dinner. One thing I’m really working on is remembering the blessings of my life (even) when I’m dispirited with dilemmas. It’s like I ignore all of life’s offerings because I’m over-directing my energy at the issue. 

Something that called this out for me was the main character in the book “This Little Life”. A big lesson I took away from the novel was not to waste time being miserable when life is still beautiful beyond trauma or brokenheartedness. I was so fed up with Jude because he never gave himself the chance to enjoy his custom designed condo or his loving partner. He could never appreciate his success as a lawyer or be grateful for his adoptive parents because he was so hung up on the unfairness of life. He allowed the darkness of his past to cast a cloud over his entire existence and I hated that for him. I realized that my actions were being mirrored which created frustration with this character! When I finished the book, it felt like a promise to myself to live all the cheerful times that I could. It’s magical to become wiser through a non fictional character in a book. Unfortunately in July, I could not apply this concept to my day to day. I was genuinely plagued and allowed it to last way too long. 

Even though I was in a “sunken” place, I was still very functional. I worked out four times a week for the entire month. I also committed to writing more which I was proud of. Phoenix and I visited home twice in July, so there was a lot of driving and reflecting. Not living near family means I’m often roadtripping and this is when I heal and plot the hardest. I leave home with so many questions and usually return with solid answers for myself. The open time and space allows for less interruptions of thought. By the end of the month I gave myself permission to stop suffering and just accept the way things are. I hope the next time I find myself in that headspace, I snap out of it quicker by reminding myself of the divine sanction that leads my life. I am impressed by my ability to still focus on my goals for the month outside of my emotional state. Some people quit in life if they get too beside themselves. I'm proud to not lose sight of the fact that things have to be done! The world does not care how you feel, there are objectives to master. Do it broke. Do it sad. Do it tired. Just get it done. 

Emotionally, I am mostly out of the woods. One thing that has helped me when I feel myself beginning to spiral is asking myself what I need in that moment and then sourcing it! Do I need a coffee? Do I need to go for a run? Do I need a nap? The other day I realized I needed conversation, so I called someone and talked to them. A colossal amount of shadow work was done in July and I hid from everyone most of the month trying to regulate. I hope that for the rest of the year I’m able to be steady in my spirit and move with the fluctuations of life. I hope that I recover quicker when I’m knocked off of my feet. Life has awarded me with so much and those things still remain in moments of temporary struggle. I hope that I remain grateful and give myself (and others) grace.

C. <3