MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA

After deep reflection of what feels like a lifetime - I finally have a grip on the language that vocalizes my outlook. For me, social media has always been a complex space. Mostly because I was born in an era that existed without it. In my formative years, there was a more sacred feeling around expression and personal growth. Social media is an outward channel that has challenged my reserved essence. People having common reservation in the past ( 99’s and 2000’s) held a tenderness among simple pleasures. Back then, self satisfaction was enough - where now public validation has actualized. However, I can easily see how being born into this construct makes it easier to accept and participate.

I fondly remember what it was like when we all were more unique. People were more colorful and comfortable with their quirks. This was a time when you weren’t aware of what other people were doing. You were left to produce your own entertainment and had time to develop your interests. Meeting humans was a treat because they felt genuine and accurate in their persona. Now it seems much easier to categorize people by their “titles” and whatever they wish to be categorized by. There was a time where you could just exist as whoever you were that day.

Growth for me as a pre-teen was intuitive. When I wasn’t at school I spent a lot of time writing. I would listen to songs and write down the lyrics. Then I would read the lyrics over and over until I knew the words to the songs. I found so much delight in understanding the meanings of things and being able sing along without looking at the paper. I also would get so excited to spend time with my cousins or to go to the movies with friends. Access to other people was limited, therefore relationships were valued so much more. Missing someone was a true longing because maybe they weren’t home when you called their ‘house phone’. Being outside and playing until you’re bored - and finding ways to survive boredom FORCED your natural talents to reveal themselves through exploration. NATURAL EXPLORATION. An exploration that you have to be bored to find. I feel that we just aren’t bored enough anymore. The desire to separate yourself from dullness hit so different back then. I guess I just wish people had more time to develop before they have heightened awareness of other peoples way of life. When you’re flushed with all of this “inspo” you get far away from yourself.

I find pros and cons within the realm of social media. Let’s start with some of my not so great thoughts. I think social media is a breeding grounds for mental illness. I think that it is the King of capitalism. I feel that social media resists individuality and creates a “guide” for what humans feel they should be. I think social media forces people to download high amounts of unnecessary information causing overwhelm and anxiety. I also feel that social media hosts addiction and a false sense of power. I think that social media is a distraction from all the beautiful tiny details that life offers. Social media has become the in-between of responsibilities and tasks - where the in-between used to be reflection and mental creative play. I think that social media has tampered with our flow of conversation and normal human interaction.

In the same breath, I think that social media is a place to express yourself and empower others. I feel that social media allows humans to be heard without being seen. I see how social media has created lucrative income and has freed many from poverty, emergencies and working for companies that never valued them. I love that. Another thing I appreciate about social media - is the opportunity to connect with like minded folks who may be on the other side of the world. The ability to discover new layers of the arts has been endless through content creation and the skill sharing. Social media has become a space where citizens can share the unfiltered realities of injustice which is informative and necessary.

I find it crucial to personalize your association with social media - depending on your mental capacity and level of self awareness. At this point in my life - I have a very specific treatment when it comes to social media and I want to share it for some people who may be analyzing their own attachments with social media. Here is a set of principles I follow regularly in regard to the socials:

• My biggest thing about social media is that I don’t want to be a part of the problem. I don’t want to promote capitalism. I don’t want to post only highlights of my life that could possibly make someone feel “jealous” or inferior. I don’t want to post something that may offend or trigger someone I care or used to care about. I don’t want to post information that takes up unnecessary space in someone’s subconscious. I don’t want to have a negative impact on anybody - especially if I’m posting when feeling temporary emotions. So, at this point in my life - I try to post things that are fruitful, inspiring, or simply important. I have been working very hard to not come off as hypercritical or superior to others. I genuinely feel like social media could be so much more powerful if the quality of content was elevated on all forefronts.

• One hour a day: My second biggest issue with social media is the amount of time it can take up. It is easy to scroll for long periods of time and lose track of your thought patterns. I do have certain creators who I love to keep up with and after I’ve seen their posts and a small amount of new information - its time to get off. I value my physical life and want to be present for those moments more than anything. I have an alert on the app that pops up when I’ve been active for one hour that day. As soon as it pops up - I leave it alone for the day and some days I don’t get on at all. Anytime I continue past an hour - I can feel it because I start to scroll past posts I saw a year ago OR information and themes become repetitive. Over time, my mind has grown to yearn for deeper stimulation.

• I update my followed accounts yearly & use the mute stories/posts features: Controlling what information I see when I log on is important. If all you consume is toxic/negative or triggering posts - this will generate a black hole in my brain where all this useless information lives. (The information in this hole exposes itself through my subconscious in moments where I am tired, dehydrated or sad). I make sure to go through the accounts I follow and unfollow those that produce cynical thoughts of myself, make me feel drained or uninspired. If I don’t want to unfollow someone I’ve known since 5th grade - but they post wild content - I mute them. I love the mute feature. You can love someone without subscribing to their interests and misaligned memes :( / :)

• I post when I want and not out of pressure. I used to feel like I couldn’t go a certain amount of time without posting. If I’d gone a month or so without posting I felt like I was hibernating and no longer a part of society but - it’s okay to not want to share anything. I had to learn that keeping some things to myself is actually a freedom and a way to implement personal validation. There was once a time when we learned about others through a home phone conversation and actually had to CONNECT in order to acquire knowledge about someone new.

• My likes are off. This was a game changer for me because I feel like it took the power away from the “ick” aspect of social media. Whether I get 400 likes or 78 likes on a post suddenly became irrelevant. I remember back in the day before I would post something I’d get anxious and my heart would beat fast. That seems silly to me now. I realize that this level of distress is highly unhealthy even if it exists for just a second.

• Allow yourself to be inspired by the content you consume. Now when I get on Instagram, I see so much cool stuff that my daily hour goes by fast. Seeing the art that some of my favorite creators have produced keeps me inspired. Staying up to date with events I may want to attend is also entertaining for me. Looking at the outfits that some of my favorite fashionistas have put together bring me so much joy. I love the pages I follow that inspire me to decorate my apartment better or suggest new music for me to listen to. I also love to giggle at the petty memes that those closest to me share - which accumulate and bring me actual joy.

• I would say my last one is to find entertainment in other platforms. I draw the line at IG - meaning, I don’t have Twitter or TikTok. However, I do spend a lot of time on Pinterest and Youtube or Apple Podcasts. I spend a little time on SubStack reading articles from writers/creatives I follow. Having other platforms to go to that promote a mental ambiance more aligned to my personality is crucial.

Everyone has a different opinion about social media, but the truth is that it has impact on us all. Understanding what kind of impact it has on you is a responsibility. I also consider my sensitivity toward social media as a high school teacher. Watching my students mental/emotional growth in parallel with social media is sometimes disheartening. I also know that some of my sensitivity comes from being in my thirties and having over a decade of life without social media and understanding how simple things once were. I remember when my friends and I would write letters and pass them in between classes. I just don’t want the art of being a human to be watered down by electronics and mass media.

What is your relationship like with social media?

SINGLE LIFE = *INCUBATION* PERIOD

If I could have a meeting with women in today’s time, one thing I would address is how sanctified single existence is. I can’t grasp why being single is portrayed as such a dreary life characteristic in social constructs. A moment in your life where you get the opportunity to evolve in peace is a transformative time. Do you know how difficult it is to self revive when you’re considering someone else’s time, well-being and feelings? It’s a challenge to choose yourself consistently when you’re waking up to someone else in your bed everyday. When you are in a phase where your life is not connected to someone else - this is a sacred time that will pass like lightening when you’re in a relationship again!

I can see how someone who has never experienced love in adulthood could long for connection - but if you have felt the delights of commitment and affection - understand that there’s value in solitary living. This is the time to evaluate the events of your last relationship and study the ways you could improve as a human. Allow this time to be preparation for your next connection - which could be your best one yet. Imagine that your next partner is the last person you’ll ever date. Are you able to show up for them (graciously) today? Have you developed the proper belief systems? I worry that seasons have lost their virtue because we’re being forced to identical lives. We can’t all be in blissful love at the exact same time. Maybe the love of your life is in a relationship right now learning a lesson that they won’t have to learn with you.

Be Love

There is so much work to do as an individual that it is never ending. I believe that you attract love by being love. Love yourself so that when you do meet someone, you are an accurate reflection of the person you portray yourself as. Read and learn so that you can contribute to a conversation and keep your partner engaged. Work on your health and your wealth - get your finances and gut in order. Study your tone and the ways you interact with others. Are you the most considerate version of yourself? Figure out what you love to do so that when you meet the right person - they can do it with you. Do not wait until you find the love of your life to be whole. It is important to arrive to new relationships as the best version of yourself. Create the opportunity for the ultimate comfort by addressing all of your insecurities ahead of time. It is easier to work on your physical appearance, debt, and emotional intelligence when you’re single than it is when you’re in a relationship. Singleness invites an honesty and privacy that is essential to growth.

Get a “Lil Friend” or Two

Just because you’re single does not mean you can’t date. I think a big mistake that people make when they’re single is become TOO single and completely stop exercising their love muscles. There is no specific amount of time that you should be single, because everyone has unique situations. Be open to welcoming “friends” that you’re attracted to while preparing for the responsibility of a relationship. The purpose of these “friendships” is to keep you engaged and in the practice of human interest. Flirting, smiling, laughter and intimacy do not have to cease because you aren’t engaged or married. You can still enjoy loving experiences without being in love. As long as you are honest and compassionate in your movements, this should bring value to your life. Dating people keeps you sharp and close to the feelings aligned with romance. I don’t want this to be confused with situationships and low vibrational attachments - but more of a high value friendship that includes occasional quality time and a collective understanding.

Deserting yourself from the energy of the opposite sex will either over excite you to the point of fastening yourself to the wrong person (out of lack or desperation) or give you culture shock when a great candidate begins to pursue you. This stage is like receiving a single rose that an admirer picked as they were walking to your house versus a dozen roses from your dearest partner. This stage is a delicious lunch at a cafe with perfect natural lighting as opposed to a serious candlelit dinner. This is the quiz and not the test. This is the gentle rain - not the thunderstorm. The key to this is allowing it to be fun without projecting your ultimate goal on every person you meet of the opposite sex. You shouldn’t be spending so much time with this person that it feels wasted if you never graduate to something more serious. This person is a hug before an eternal embrace. Allow yourself to make friends with the opposite sex and enjoy the natural dance. Low toned romance gives you the opportunity to explore what qualities you need in the ideal companion.

Don’t let the fear of being alone forever sucker you into thinking you aren’t worthy of love. This is a difficult social romantic climate for adults as we are at the intersection of many new realities. We’re experiencing huge shifts combined with media influencing. We are digging up hundreds of years of trauma for the betterment of ourselves and our children. I cringe at this panic driven negative cluster of emotions being forced upon us. I deeply frown at the narrative being pushed about love and romance right now because it isn’t true. There are people out there just like you who are looking for something real and are not subscribing to the (men against women) war on socials. This is the time to stay focused and stick to the ideals of love that you know exist. Stick to how you felt about love before the world told you how to feel about it.

Chloe`

HUGGING 2023 GOODBYE & WELCOMING 2024

2023 was such a quiet year for me. I didn’t have much to say – but I did feel a lot. I was at a point where movement took more of a precedence than anything else. Action felt necessary. Going inward and pairing that with initiative was the catalyst to most of my personal evolution.

 Whatever the *thing* was – I just did it. I had high expectations for my year and what feelings I wanted to evoke within my life. I wanted 2023 to feel gracious and compelling. This was the year that I was even more “selfish” than the last. Finally, I’d arrived at the actuality that choosing and prioritizing yourself is the key to the ultimate ascension. I know that it is cliché and obnoxiously recycled but it’s true. When you tune out everything but your own desires – your life is given the permission to shape itself to a truth that is custom for you.

 A big pill I had to swallow was being okay with less communication with others. I had to be okay with very low activity on social media and completely withdrawing from what did not make sense. If you agree to things out of alignment with your masterplan – then you also will be out of alignment. I took a lot of days off work in 2023, more than ever. I did little creative work – focusing more on input than output.

 January was the start of grad school. I remember applying and being afraid that I may not be able to start or that something would go wrong with processing. I wanted to start school so badly and it had been a long time since I cared about something so much. I could not stay calm until I knew I was accepted. I felt grateful once classes started and (honestly) receiving education as an adult is completely different than undergrad. I visited home a lot and began to accept that it would be a year of travel due to me not feeling rooted in Dallas.

 February was one of the best months in 2023. I started the month in New York, and it was everything I needed. It was extremely cold on this visit, but it heightened dramatics in the most beautiful way. The Brooklyn Museum was packed with gorgeous black folks singing, dancing, and enjoying art. I was in the best company and felt so alive the entire trip. February is also the month my mother gifted me with my first designer bag as an early birthday present. It felt like a rite of passage – a big moment in girlhood. It was much deeper than designer or me carrying around a purse that is double my rent. It’s about acknowledging that I deserve something lavish and what some may call unnecessary. It was about being sparked with the idea of making more money so that I can have more lavish things. It felt like an upgrade – which slowly forced me to upgrade my entire wardrobe. I can truly say that style wise – I completely leveled up in 2023. I upgraded my self-care practices. I was trying new hairstyles that I would never attempt in the past. I upgraded my perspective and decisions. February felt like a month-long birthday. This was one of the most special birthdays I’d had in a long time – being home with family was the best decision.

 March was all about my son. At the beginning of the month, we went to Monster Jam which was a huge thing for him. Boys are so fun, and I enjoy spending time doing things that he finds exciting. March is also the month of spring break, so we went from zoo dates to aquarium dates to farm visits and the soul circus. This was a very active and expensive part of the year that felt full of joy and family. I ended the month modeling in a shoot, and it had been a long time since I was behind a lens. Although I was nervous – I used this shoot to get comfortable with myself again. This shoot forced me to see myself and all my features. This shoot addressed insecurities and taught me the lesson of self-acceptance. Each time I received a new edit from the photographer was a new time I had to address how I really felt about my appearance.

 April was the beginning of another large leap forward as the fourth month of the year. I thought that I had already seen so much – but the year was just getting started. April began with Oklahoma Cowboys interviews in OKC. I love visiting Oklahoma City because it reminds me of a very comfortable, charmed, intimate chapter of my life. This is where I became a mother and grew so much as a woman. Going back to Oklahoma, taking my son with me and being able to write and creatively work was very rewarding. I felt very supported as a working mother by everyone around me and that was sweet.

 I took off to upstate NY at the top of April for the first time and I was not the same when I returned. My love for art spiked heavily in 2023 because I saw and was surrounded by beautiful work and artists. Visiting Dia Beacon was me living out my Pinterest dreams and just truly wowing myself and my life. Traveling for important reasons is cool, but traveling for no reason is top tier. Again – this all goes back to the purse and me relishing in what seems unnecessary yet so IS.

 By April I truly believed I could do what I wanted to do with my life. In April we got a dog - which was exactly what Phoenix and I needed. Our dog Kofi balances us out so well! As if April wasn’t hectic enough, at the end of the month I took a girl’s trip to Los Angeles. This trip reintroduced me to sisterhood and all the sweet feelings that come with being around girls. I think my friend Ashleigh and I had more fun than we anticipated – I felt very young! I saw more art and dwelled in the amazing weather. April 2023 has a special place in my heart.

 At the end of April, I got into a bad car wreck. I was traumatized because it was the worst wreck I had ever been in and the other party fled the scene on foot. I was on my way to pick up my son from school. I was left there with no information from the hit and runner, and it was a huge rain cloud over four months of literal bliss. I FOR SURE suffered PTSD from that wreck. For months after that I had developed a fear of driving and the inability to trust strangers on the road. I will say that I had a support system who quickly picked me up before I hit the ground – but it was a CLOSE CALL. There was no time to be sad because before the month was up my little brother would be proposing to his fiancé. I was blessed to have such treasured moments be followed by what felt like tragedy.

 By May I was waving goodbye to the set of seniors I taught when they were in ninth grade. To watch a group of children, transform from age 14 to 18 is magical. Being a high school teacher addresses a lot of high school trauma of my own. I am happy for the opportunity to go back and heal those parts of myself. That age bracket is SO important and fragile. I love being a high school teacher because I feel like I can make things easier for my kids and I know I did that. It was so hard to say goodbye to those seniors and accept that I may never see them again. May was also the month my son graduated Kindergarten which was a huge milestone. May gave me the opportunity to see fruit of long planted seeds and it was also the beginning of the summer I needed so badly to regroup.

 June and July were grounding months. I went to hot yoga so much. I swam a lot at my mother’s house. I was soaking up the Texas sun and eating a lot of fruit. Health was the priority for me. I had a lot of time to myself, but I also spent a lot of time with family as it seems everyone has summer birthdays. My son turned six and we celebrated him in Galveston. I was happy about the way his party turned out and I felt that I had “redeemed” myself from his very chill fifth birthday. I visited Miami in July. It was an eye-opening trip for me. I remember being happy with how my body looked and felt because of all the work I had put in. I believe I was still fragile from the wreck and releasing a pessimistic attitude about life and how scary it can be. I was still trucking along in grad school – which is what kept me focused much of the year. At the end of July, I took a much-needed trip home, and this is where the idea of me moving back really began to creep into my plans more than ever before.

 August always feels like a new year to me because it marks the beginning of a new school year. One thing about me is – I love a fresh start. I was excited to teach. I was excited to start new grad classes. I was excited to put more effort into my classroom and August was rich with opportunities. Before school began, I had a sweet lake day with my family on a pontoon and I can’t wait to relive that this coming summer. August put me back in a routine and by September I was back in my bag!!

 September I shopped a lot for fall and winter wardrobe pieces. September was the month of the Beyonce concert which was iconic and a huge 2023 highlight. I went to the concert with my mom. Not only did we go to the concert, but we made a girls’ weekend of it. We went out together and met up with friends – we ate delicious dinners and stayed in the most beautiful hotel. My relationship with my mom is one that I cherish deeply. I can do anything with my mom and she’s one of my favorite humans. She is an inspiration and we have so much in common. Even if my mom wasn’t “my mom” I would still be her friend and spend a lot of time with her.

 October was cheerful! We love spooky season over here! My mom hosted a party for the children in my family at her house called the “Fall – fall through”. Little events like these bring me joy because my son gets so excited to be around his cousins. My mom was super festive when I was a child, so to see her recycle the joy with my son is beautiful.

I took my first out of country trip to Costa Rica at the end of October and it’s one of the most gorgeous places I’d ever been. My college best friend and I booked this trip spontaneously and it couldn’t have been a better decision. This trip allowed me to explore and look at life from a different angle. The lands of Costa Rica felt spiritual and healing. Eating fresh foods and having access to waterfalls and animals brought me back to source. The on and off rain lack of control reset my perspective and made me respect the earth more. I can’t wait to return.

 November I took off to Denver, Colorado for my sister in laws bridal shower. Being in Colorado with them was exposure to so much feminine energy. I’ve never been someone who had a big group of friends that all hang together and had a lot in common. Being around my sister-in-law and her friends really made me analyze my own relationship with women and the ways that has evolved for me throughout my life. This was my first (or second) time meeting many of them and they were sweet. Although I was an outsider looking in – it was beautiful to witness women being so loving and supportive toward each other. We had a lot of fun and I got to know her on a more intimate level. Colorado was so cold but refreshing at the same time.

 November continued to have a hustle bustle theme as we inched closer to the wedding. As a bridesmaid – my life was dedicated to this wedding and all the events floating around it. To see my brother happy and beginning a new chapter in his life was surreal.

 Thanksgiving was chill and peaceful. I did cook a full meal, but we did not have a turkey. I made all of Phoenix and I’s favorites. We stayed home and relaxed. We spent the evening putting up the Christmas tree which I think is a new tradition for us.

 December 1st, I witnessed my brother marry the love of his life. The wedding was beautiful. Phoenix was the ring bearer and watching him walk down the aisle at my brother’s wedding was insane. Phoenix reminds me so much of my brother in many ways. To see our families merge brought me excitement which was the theme for most of the year.

 All I really wanted to do was focus on rest and Christmas after the wedding. At a hair appointment, I realized how much my hair had grown in 2023. One of my goals for the year was to grow my hair at least two inches. I put a lot of effort into décor and building excitement around the holidays for my son. One of his requests was to have his bedroom walls painted red. My mom came down and helped me with a full room revamp for him. We had an amazing Christmas. After Christmas I spent a week in Houston to be with family and that was the perfect ending to my year.

 2024 has a slow start and I’m okay with that. I am pretty occupied with school, parenting, writing work and teaching. My basic responsibilities are keeping me so busy.

 Some goals I have set for myself in 2024 are:  

·      Being a more fun mom: When Phoenix looks back on what type of parent I was in his younger years, I’d like for him to remember all the fun we had together.

·      Prioritizing educational practices: In my household, I’d like to incorporate more opportunities for leisure learning. In a dream world, I’d be homeschooling my son and teaching him all the things I feel like he should know. The truth is that I still can teach him what I want him to know outside of school, so I’ll be giving that a shot!

·      I added “write more” to my list: (at the end of last year) and I can’t imagine writing more than I am right now. My writing career has never been this busy in my life. A new and unexpected spark began to ignite toward the end of last year and I’m grateful for it because motivation is not guaranteed as a writer. Writing spells are inconsistent. I hope to birth meaningful projects this year. Yes plural. Multiple. I know I can do it!

·      Running a 5k is on my list: It’s been on my list every year for the past three years. I hope I get to it this year. My brother mentioned wanting to complete a 5k – which would be cute to do together!

·      At home workouts is a big one for me. Going to the gym isn’t realistic for my lifestyle and my schedule. I need to be able to work out at home. I follow a couple of inspiring at home workout girlies and I am taking notes. I just want to stay toned. I will continue my yoga practice, but incorporating weights would be beneficial. I’m hopeful about this one and I’ll be proud of myself if I can achieve it.

·      I’m working toward paying my car off. It’s doable. This is my one financial goal. It is something specific that I can focus on and achieve with an actionable plan.

·      Use my healthcare more. This is plain and simple.

·      One of my more reflective and intentional dedications for 2024 is to “do things big and not small”. In my notes it says “stop dipping your toe into things and do them with every fiber of your being”. People in my life would probably describe me as someone who does things in a very “big” way. But – I know that I can settle with my visions instead of really pulling the trigger in a way that feels satisfying for me. So when it comes to travel, projects, purchases, memories.. I want to go big. I don’t want to hold back on my dreams or desires in 2024.

MEET KOFI

Three months ago, Phoenix got his first dog who we decided to name Kofi. Life has been adventurous with this new addition to our lives. We’d been searching for the perfect dog for a while. I’m a person who’s all about feelings and doing what feels right intuitively. All of the other dogs we were close to getting never made it home with us. My mom and stepdad picked Kofi and I approved of him over a FaceTime call. We went to their house to pick him up that same day. Many of my sons characteristics have heightened since becoming a big (dog) brother. He is even more compassionate than he was before. Kofi gives him more reasons to laugh and smile. These two chase each other around, and are really close like friends! If I had known my son would have such a close connection with a pet, I would’ve committed much sooner.

Although the purpose of getting a dog was for Phoenix to have a pet/companion, Kofi has been good for me too in many ways. Kofi gets me outside for his walk every few hours when I’m glued to my desk. He’s a sense of safety because he is alert and lets us know if someone is near our front door. When Phoenix is away - he’s the perfect little friend to ride with me to the store or to get coffee with. I had a dog named Kane who I had to put down around the time Phoenix was born. I never felt ready to get a new pet until the last year or so. I’m really grateful to get a dog who is mostly quiet and more of a joy than an unwanted responsibility. I became used to forceful change brought unto me by life. Kofi was an intentional and chosen change and it feels good.

At the beginning of the summer I wanted to write more here and blossom with blogging. The truth is that fun and grad school have taken the front seat in my life. I’ve been traveling so much, and when I’m not traveling - Im studying and doing work. This summer feels so good and this chapter of my life in general feels good. It feels like I’m finally becoming the Chloe` I was working so hard to be. This is the season of relaxing into my reality instead of trying to generate so much. I’m also working on a really special project that I can’t wait to share more about. If you’re reading this, I hope you know how to choose yourself. I hope you know that you deserve to live the life of your dreams.

Chloe`

ARE YOU EVEN READY?

If you find yourself pondering on your future and visualizing your dream life, there’s a question you should ask yourself. Would you be equipped if what you desired presented itself today? If you’re longing for a certain experience - are you ready for it? Are you devoted? I find it amusing how much time is spent on imagining how life could be with this career or this person or with this house - when the steps to sustain said opportunities haven’t been explored. It’s easy to romanticize the results and not the process. The action can start now, and the sooner it does - the closer we are to our ideal lifestyle.

When I imagine my dream life, I imagine having a small two or three bedroom home. I’d like to be in a neighborhood where I can walk my son to school. I don’t want to be in the suburbs - I’d like to be in an older established neighborhood in the middle of the city. One of those quaint neighborhoods that are festive and diverse. I would like to have one of those ginormous netted trampolines in the backyard and a small garden. I would like for my guest bedroom to double as a writing space with a desk and all of my inspirational notes on display. I see colorful drinking glasses in a transparent cupboard where all of my dining pieces are visible. I’d like to have musical instruments throughout the home for my son to play and practice with.

In my dream life, I see myself walking my dog or dogs on the weekends to a nearby coffee shop. I can already hear city chatter and people driving by with their music loud. I see my son picking out his favorite pastry once we make it to the cafe. I visualize a positive and peaceful environment for us. A lifestyle filled with ease and activity. I can visualize me having friends that are mothers whose sons play on the same sports team as Phoenix or whatever his activity of choice is at the time. At this stage of life, I crave some grounding. I’ve moved a lot in the last ten years of my life. I’m ready to be in one spot and collect a bunch of unnecessary shit in all the closets. I’m ready to host wine drunken dinners twice a month with close friends and family who genuinely care for me.

I desire a romantic love that is consistent and dreamy. People put a lot of limits on love, and I realize this is because they’ve never experienced the magic that love can bring. In my experience, love and relationships have offered more than heart break. Love has offered joy, and laughter. Love has offered togetherness as family and friends merge. Love has given me a beautiful child who brings compassion, responsibility and growth into my reality. Love has shown me how simply you can live when you share life with someone who has a similar vision as you. In my dream life my person loves me in ways I didn’t know I needed. My person prioritizes the health of our family and children. In my dreams, my person values time spent together and makes it a point to create time for that. In my dreams, my person allows me to flourish as an individual and uplifts me along the way. I see morning conversations on our porch. I can see sharing home design projects. I see all of the other gorgeous things like dancing together in the living room and decorating our home together on holidays.

In my dream life, I’d like to regularly take my mother on vacations and frequent lunches. I’d like for my son to spend time with his cousins like I did as a child. I would like to have family gatherings and sleepovers for the kids at my house. I’d like to have a career that gives me the luxury of making a difference in peoples lives, while having plenty of time for my own life and plans without stress and friction. I remember when financial stability was the dream - now emotional and mental stability are the dreams! I am manifesting a yoga studio nearby that I love where there are other black girls in eye sight. I would also like to have a book club or some type of writing group that I meet with regularly.

I could go on forever about my dream life because it’s what I fantasize about in my idle time. I do think that I am taking the steps to create this reality for myself little by little. Step one would be to finish grad school and secure a career in my hometown. As I move closer and closer to the finish line, I am keeping my dream in mind. I encourage you to think about your own dream life and how you want your future to unfold. I want you to use your senses when you’re planning your future. Imagine what it will taste like..smell like. I tried really hard not to use the m word as I wrote this (manifestation). I understand how cliche and boring the concept is in todays modern journal reads. But to imagine something you hope for in great detail IS truly birthing a phenomenon in your life.

I think it is important to know that at any point your plan can be disrupted. You can be totally caught off guard and redirected in the most beautiful way. You could end up in a different state or career than you thought you would. SO it is important to be open minded. When I look at some of the blessings I’ve acquired and am currently experiencing - I realize that maybe I wasn’t dreaming big enough in the past. I’ve shared an image of me when I was a little girl. I’ve been OBSESSED with digging up my past and learning more about my childhood in relation to who I am today. At the end of the day, I just want to make THAT little girls dreams come true. I think I’m about 6 in this photo which is the same age my son will be this summer. It feels good to write again - summer is where my practice REALLY picks up. I appreciate all of you who stay no matter how long it takes for me to return.

xxx CJ

A BIRTHDAY IS A PROMISE

My birthday this year was the best birthday I’ve had in a really long time. Not because of the day itself, but because of the person I became within the year. My outlook on birthdays are now more focused on who I was in those 365 days. Some questions I contemplate are: In that year, what type of decisions did you make for yourself? How productive were you with your time? How much did you choose yourself? How much did you smile and laugh? How many lessons did you learn? How much joy did you experience from your last birthday to this one?

Now I see birth days as a promise. Birthdays feel like a pledge to give myself a meaningful life. So, when this birthday arrived and I took inventory of the way I’d been living - I was joyful. Before there was so much emphasis on the celebration, a subconscious way to make up for the lack of intentionality, and bullshitting with my life’s purpose. Neither of those things had space in my life in the last year. I exposed all of my beautiful colors. I was vulnerable when I needed to be. I handled my business as a mother and as a professional. I was well traveled and had many experiences to be proud of. I released a book which taught me valuable lessons. I became less authoritarian over things that didn’t need my control. I created firm boundaries between myself and highly toxic habits that were once so addicting. I listened to my intuition with appreciation for the ability and maturity to hear her. Life truly is beautiful.

This year, I spent my birthday at home in Houston. It was simple and intimate. What I enjoyed the most was the physical embracing and conversation. I felt loved and cherished. Feeling good about myself was the biggest gift, and everything else was extra love. February altogether was a month of receiving and abundance.

With this year, I want to read more and shift my writing practice in a different direction. I want to prioritize education and keep a high gpa in my grad school program. I want to create experiences that my son will never forget. I’d like to focus on curating a home that is warm through art and more thoughtful design. These are just a handful of things that come to mind. Most of all, I just want to be happy and true to myself.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

When I contemplate life and all that it entails I have to give myself a really big pat on the back. I have evolved past habits that were counterproductive to my growth. To say that I evolved means I no longer do or have the desire to do these things I’ve evolved from.

The biggest thing about change is that it can’t happen unless you want it. When you feel the deep desire for a new reality - only then can you shift from one existence to another. The powerful thing is that all it takes is one decision to change your life. This thought is heavy on my mind and I only write here when I feel compelled to. That is the thing about my practice, it is honest and in real time.

When you make up your mind about anything, your whole world can change. Here are some things I made up my mind about in the last six months:

1. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. I stopped saying yes to things I wasn’t all the way on board with. I realized how short life is and how it should be spent doing things I love. Now I literally only do what I want to do. This has changed the quality of my life because now I am not anxious about upcoming things that I don’t want involvement in. I am excited to be an active participant of my own time.

2. Detachment. Letting go of thoughts, people and ideas that are not aligned with me. Letting things go (which I rambled about in my last post) is one of the most transformative things you can do for your life. Letting things go makes room for what is new. This is simple. Our attachments keep us holding onto things so tight that barely have meaning. Let it go. Be renewed.

3. Allow yourself the freedom to live. I wonder why we talk ourselves out of doing things we want to do. Life is here for you to enjoy. If you feel compelled to get up and take a walk - take the walk. If you want to go to Europe next year - plan and go. If you want to invite someone you’re interested in on a date - invite them! Stop waiting so long to do things you have genuine interest in. These days, I go crazy with telling myself yes. Before changing this about myself, I would wait forever for the simplest treasures. There is nothing for you to do here on earth but live your life. There is more to be said about why giving ourselves permission to be satisfied feels wrong - but that’s to be addressed in another post.

These three things have made me a happier person. I’ve become more mentally organized. I’ve become an expert at finding charm in my day to day life. It’s easy to get caught up in responsibilities and forget some of the changes that need to be made. Instead of boring yourself with goal based accountability, maybe you just need a change in perspective or daily practices.

THE POWER OF LETTING THINGS GO

Humanity has programmed us to believe that all endings are failures. We sometimes connect endings with death. Closings have been branded with defeat, which keeps us paralyzed in what is underserving. The truth is that endings are births. When one thing ceases to exist, something else is born in its place. Many fear that dormancy period of waiting in that empty space - until it is filled with what is better suited. With a mixture of patience and courage, develop the audacity to separate yourself from what is unhealthy and unenjoyable within the world you wish to create for yourself.

One lesson I’ve learned is that holding onto people, spaces, chapters and things out of fear is detrimental to maturation. I’ve also seen how setting things free develops a light in myself and what/who is being let go. Holding instruments and notions hostage paralyzes your creativity and room for expansiveness. Allow availability for the things you wish for. Fear is the monster. Scarcity mindset is the monster. Holding onto one tiny star when you deserve the galaxy will be a regret in the end.

This is me encouraging you to let it go. Whatever it is - so that you can move closer to your transcendental self.

Here are some examples of things you may need to let go of: addictions, unhealthy habits, relationships, jobs, misaligned goals, unnecessary commitments and responsibilities, thought patterns, hobbies you don’t even like, clothes, apartment/homes that don’t feel good anymore, physical things that hold trauma, hairstyle that no longer suits you (and the list goes on).

P.S. Earlier this month, I read ‘Notes on Shapeshifting’ by Gabi Abrao and it was enjoyable. It felt like I was reading a diary of thoughts. Some of it made sense to me while other parts did not. I enjoy her style of writing and find it similar to mine in regards to the ability to relate. It was a good read while I got my hair braided. I hope your January was liberating and fair to you.

xx C.

FIND PEACE - KEEP PEACE ISSUE 04

I am happy to announce that I am a contributor of ‘Find Peace, Keep Peace’ Issue 04. This is a printed publication by Colourblock studios. The Creative Director Lorenzo Diggins selected me to write a piece about ‘Legacy’. When I sat down to write, the first thing that came to me were the things I’d been taught and experienced. A big part of why I’m a passionate writer, educator and creative and parent derive from characteristics I inherited from my mother and grandmother. Myself, along with many other amazing artists were featured in this issue sharing their perspectives on legacy. If you would like to read my piece and purchase the newspaper, click this link.

Lorenzo is a black designer who owns a new art studio in Los Angeles. Working with him has been an absolute pleasure. What an honorable first collaboration of 2023!

CHECKING THE TEMP

Every previous year I’ve rushed into a new routine for myself. The newness of the year brought a desire to make sudden positive changes. This time, I didn’t commit to any dramatic transitions. I just let myself be. I continued the commitments created in the last six months. I think who I am today - is finally enough. I released the rigidness that the new year often brings catapulting us into impractical beliefs. Sudden forced change can disrupt our natural flow. The reality is that there isn’t much difference between the last day of the year and the 24 hours following into the new year.

Something that feels more authentic that I began was to create one or two achievable goals for myself monthly. Things that capitalize on what my reality is at this moment. Actions that are within my reach, but will also make me better. The intentions were to attend yoga four times, and get into my masters program by the deadline. So far - as of the 24th, I am in the program AND have been to yoga three times. My intention for next month are to help Phoenix write his name in a more legible state.

Changing the goals each month allows for all kinds of purpose to actualize itself. Perhaps all of the drastic changes I’ve made in the last few years have gotten me to a point where I don’t have to be so climactic. I like who I am and I think I am finally in my rhythm. This is a beautiful place to be which I think comes with your ‘30s’. This has to be that “peace” everyone was referring to that shows itself once you reach thirties. I understand my mission. I’ve made peace with it - the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects. I know all things wont go my way - but I still hold space for what will.

January has been enjoyable. I went home recently and visited with friends and family which filled my cup. I also got the opportunity to go to an art show which was really beautiful. I wanted to share a few images from that time in space. I am recognizing the value in how important it is to go home and be around my loved ones - especially in the colder months where I experience loneliness or boredom.

How are you feeling about the new year?

2022 RECAP/REFLECTIONS

I am days into the new year and still reflecting so much on 2022. Last year was a year of major transformation. It was my “me” year. The year where I prioritized myself more than anything else. I see how my choices shaped me into a new person with a whole new perspective. This thought propels me to actualize my current desires. I saw growth in myself last year that I haven’t seen since 2019. That was the last year I evolved so much that it was unbelievable. Breaking down my shifts month by month are what brings the healing and positive adjustments to the forefront.

January: Last January started off melancholy. My New Year’s Eve was emotional, but I still made the best of it. I was in some sort of rut filled with a mixture of uncertainty and fear. I could feel change coming soon and decided to welcome it regardless of how I felt. I spent some time at home with family in Houston, but the month itself was pretty hazy. I felt like I was “auto piloting” through every day.

February: Things began to shift by the second month of the year. I began to take real responsibility for my happiness. Realizing just how independent you must be in times of growth really got to me. Regardless of the presence of your family and immediate friends - doing “the work” can get so lonely. It wasn’t until this solitude was embraced that I was able to climb out of pessimism. Learning that I alone - was enough to maintain my pleasure was the key to expansion. I was on my way out of sad girl season and tapping into the best parts of my existence. The highlight of February was the birthday party I hosted at my house for my best friend, Lauren. I also had a birthday myself. Some aspects of no longer being 30 and coming into age 31 motivated me to be more accepting of life. I realized that I needed to find peace even in the midst of life’s turbulence.

March: This was such an amazing month for me. I took a trip to Miami with my good friend Rose and it was everything I needed. She was the perfect person to travel with and our trip was flawless. My confidence and sense of self skyrocketed in March because I was open to fun and socializing again -in a way like never before. I was intentional about getting out and making time to really live. I went home in March and met up with new and old friends. I went out dancing and spent a lot of time trying to teach Phoenix how to ride his bike. I was finding joy in being alive again - finding joy in all the details. This is also when I began to prioritize the beauty side of things keeping my hair and nails done at all times. I was getting weekly pedicures when my feet hurt after work and saying “hell yes” to whatever made me happy. March was also the start of the physical production of my book “Wildflower”.

April: The spring was absolutely beautiful. My nails were blue in April, which is a color I’d rarely select. I was still traveling so much and taking advantage of any time off. Phoenix and I went to the park a lot. One day in particular we went to the arboretum and I remember his frustration with not being able to catch the butterflies in his hands. I became a really rebellious person in April and did things the old me would never do. In April, I let people help me and love me. I no longer felt the need to be hyper responsible or in control of all things. By this time, I was knee deep in production of my book which took up a lot of my energy.

May: The best part of May this year was spending mothers day with my mom. This was the first mothers day in a while where it was just us two. We road tripped to Austin on a sunny day. We ate, we shopped, and we laughed together. To celebrate my 5th mothers day with my mom was so special. I felt like I had earned my mom stripes and she spoiled me rotten. I felt recognized and appreciated. When I was at her house the other day - I saw the plant I gave her for mothers day flourishing in her entryway.

In May, I danced and had so much fun at a Casa Bloom party with my friend Ashley. She is someone who I’ve been spending time with this year. This is a new beautiful friendship that I am so grateful for. She is always present and fun. I love friendships that are warm and easy.

I had the photoshoot for my book release, and prepared to say goodbye to my students for the summer. One day in May, I took off work and had a self care day. I started with yoga, then a nice relaxing shower. I then followed with a massage and hair appointment all while Phoenix was at school. This was also the month he graduated Pre-K!

June: This year Phoenix went to summer camp and left me with much needed free time. I got serious about working out. I worked out almost every single day. I would use the Nike run app to record my daily walks/runs. This helped me mentally organize so many loose thoughts and improved my focus.

I held copies of my book for the first time in June. We swam a lot at my moms house, and I visited with family again in Houston. My dad took me to the shooting range. I also traveled to Austin which was an interesting time. Being in nature with people I love always creates beautiful memories. I’d say the month of June was all about obsession with physical training and finishing the remaining work on my book.

July: My son had his 5th birthday. This was surreal for me. He had a chill birthday at the waterpark with his Dad and I. I remember wishing his party was cooler and more explosive. I did karaoke for the first time this July. It was exhilarating! I sang “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu. I went to Phoenix’s summer school and read to his class a couple times in July. This made me feel like a real parent!! I spent the end of July shooting and prepping for the release of “Wildflower” which was very stressful and expensive - yet rewarding in the end.

August: I cried like a baby on Phoenix’s first day of Kindergarten. It just felt different. In general, I am not a dramatic mom who cries at every milestone. I love watching Phoenix grow older and look forward to exploring his mind through thoughtful conversation in his teens. I jumped back into work and spent a lot of time packing and shipping book orders. This was also my first time teaching seniors in high school, as I taught juniors the previous year. I also spent a majority of August eating clean and preparing for a family vacation. Mid year was highly stressful but relief was around the corner.

September: In September I took a family trip to HAWAII. It was absolutely beautiful. The scenery and the time away from daily routine was beyond fruitful. I was proud of myself for making that happen and being able to financially provide that experience for my son. I also returned to Miami in September, making travel a big aspect of my month. I really craved the sun and the beach. It was hard for me to let go of summer this year. I was exercising my time and freedom a lot in September while ridding myself of a scarcity mindset. I was dedicated to living my dream life while also finding balance to maintain responsibilities.

October: SOCCER MOM STATUS. In October Phoenix wrapped up his soccer season. Although it wasn’t his favorite, it was nice to have a new shared dedication. It brought our family happiness seeing him try something new. His art teachers son was also on the team. At each practice I liked observing the different family structures of all the little players. By the end there was a cute little bond between the parents after all the exhausting, chaotic after school practices. Homecoming at my high school was adorable. Seeing my students in their school spirit costumes as seniors was beautiful. Halloween was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed trick or treating with Phoenix. He was a dinosaur. I also collaborated on a newspaper with my good friend Jakian about the history and awareness of black cowboys. I loved exercising my creativity in that way. October was beautiful.

November: My November began in New Orleans which was a dream. I had a really beautiful dinner with my mom and stepdad in November. They came into town and took me out and I appreciated it so much. Thanksgiving was a little somber, but I did cook an entire thanksgiving dinner on my own for the second time. It makes me proud to know I’m capable of hosting a dinner if I choose to. Next year, I will cook a non thanksgiving meal. I realized this year that I can be a little more unique in my approach to Thanksgiving. I did a lot of nesting in November, spending money on my home and making small upgrades in each room.

December: Probably the most beautiful and fun filled month ever. After having a Thanksgiving that was pretty lackluster, I was determined to make sure Christmas was everything and more. I ordered a 7 foot tree and it was beautiful. The first weekend of December was spent in Miami for Art Basel. Art Basel showed me the many ways I can expand as a writer. I felt inspired and came home with a lot of new ideas. I tried a new hairstyle for the first time, which I rarely do. I keep the same four hairstyles in rotation. That small change made a big difference and allowed me to see myself in a new light.

The second weekend of December I went to Austin and had the most amazing museum experience. I relaxed and rested in the cutest airbnb. The third week school was out for the remainder of the month and I spent that time really treating Phoenix and I to everything we desired. We were able to go to Houston and spend time with family. We shopped and ate a lot. Christmas Day was absolutely beautiful and fulfilling. December was the fullest month I’ve ever experienced. My new year was perfect, kind of like how it is in movies. It felt effortless and I was surrounded by people I love.

The major reoccurring themes in 2022 were travel, spontaneity, and self care (hair, nails, spa, physical health). I really took the time to just enjoy myself in all of the ways possible.

Lessons learned: Time is also an investment. Work smarter, not harder. Let people help you. Ask for help. Let people love you. Spend on quality/investments. Feel your feelings and then let them pass. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Get nails/hair done as a pick me up. Being a mother is a blessing. Isolation is not healing. Let people grow at their own rate.

How were your months last year? Reflect with me.

HOLIDAYS AREN'T ALWAYS GLITTERY

Growing up holidays felt like an enchanted time filled with family. I remember the excitement of linking up with my cousins and eating good food. The decorations, the music, the laughter - it was like just for that day everything was alright. My granny’s house was often our last stop because we knew we’d be there for the rest of the night - at least until midnight. Once I sensed the adults packing up or seeming ready to go begun the process of convincing my mom to let me spend the night with my cousins. She usually said yes. This was a time of catching up and a comfort of existing in whatever state life had brought us to. As an adult, I now understand the comfort and the warmth that the holidays brought. I understand now the importance of that consistency. Thanksgiving and Christmas was like a day that it felt like everyones birthday. A joy that is shared in effort and much preparation. A communal luxurious time filled with so much energy. The energy of audacity, looking good, seeking advice, showing off a new person you’re dating. Everyone seeing a new baby who’s just been born, and giving each other gifts - seeing each others reactions.

Now it seems that over time - death and growth have shifted the ways that holidays feel for me. Or - maybe as an adult I am more aware of the many truths of life that take away some of the holiday glitter that existed for me as a child. As families experience death, and then feuds, and loss, or separation - as more children are being born and families are breaking off into their own things change. As the pandem*c has shifted us into homebodies who are prioritizing individualized wellness and feelings of introversion. As - togetherness can seem like a threat to health - AS everything has seemed to burn itself to the ground and begin anew (so much) in the last five or so years - it all feels different to me.

As a mother, I am creating traditions that are realistic for Phoenix. I want all of his holidays to feel glittery like mine used to. I want him to get everything on his Christmas list. I want him to anticipate the food being ready as he awakens to the aroma of my offerings. I want him to look forward to it all. I am intentionally looking for ways to extract all the good things from holidays amid extreme capitalism and family drama which are both mildly inevitable. I recognize that my holiday does not have to look the same as everyone else’s and that I can customize our experience. Overall, I just want love, abundance and contentment over the next two months. How are you feeling about the holidays this time around? I think it is okay to reflect on some of the non glittery aspects that festive times of the year may bring. It’s also necessary to be honest with yourself and others about how you want this time to look.

THE RODEO RECORD

I recently had the pleasure of working on a project called ‘The Rodeo Record’ with one of my dearest friends Jakian Parks. Jakian is a photographer based in Oklahoma City who has a unique way of capturing black existence. Jakian and I met years ago when I lived in OKC. I discovered him on social media and we did some work together. We’ve been inseparable ever since! Although Jakian is young in age, he has such an old and genuine soul. He holds a beautiful balance of responsibility and jollification. I’ve never met anyone like him before. He inspires me because he is so committed to his craft in a way that shows he was put here to do this. The artists that influence me the most are the ones who are savages about their work - and he is exactly that.

I also have a deep love for Oklahoma City as I lived there for three years. I was pregnant with my son there, and heavily immersed into the community. Oklahoma City is such a small place that it’s easy to get to know people and move around the area quickly. As small as OKC is, there are many wonderful creatives who have such a unique approach to art and individuality. This is why it was a no brainer for me to write for TRR.

The Rodeo Record is a project focused primarily on the black ‘oklahomian’ cowboy experience. Within the team, we created a space where the black rodeo is showcased to others in a conversational way. Being a Texan, cowboy life is not new to me. Growing up I felt very in touch with the country aspect of blackness and the many ways we cultivate the land. Many black folks from other areas are unaware of how prevaleant cowboys are in our history. As a writer, it felt important to collaborate with Jakian because we need things to be written in our ‘language’. Writing for this project felt instinctive, although it was research based and cumbersome at times. Writing about blackness never gets old to me. It was also very refreshing to interview cowboys and wear my journalist hat. Interviews are one of my favorite writing genres.

Jakian continues to serve as a pillar for the rodeo community as a commemoration of his aunt who passed. She introduced him to that life and it continues through the community which is ‘The Oklahoma Cowboys’. To say that I am proud is an understatement, and I am so happy it is now shared with the world.

Graphics designer: @colinmoran_ Creative Development: @youllsea

I TOOK A NAP IN NEW ORLEANS

At last, I’ve reached a point in life that I feel like I can settle into. A space that I am comfortable to dance and exist fully in. I’ve caught my balance and I feel at ease. I feel at ease with my decisions and my day to day life. I feel at ease with my soul, my career, my parenting, my finances, my physical appearance. I feel at ease in my creativity and in my relationships. All of the inner work and tears and longing for contentment in everyday life is actualizing itself. I’ve discovered the path to true happiness. Even in moments of frustration or doubt I am still able to tap into gratefulness.

Simple things make me happy like being at home - in a space I carefully curated over time. I’ve been in this apartment for almost two years. I think it takes about that much time to gather all of what you need to make a home a home. You slowly collect things a long the way that contribute to the warmth of the place. There’s always been this incomplete feeling - I always thought I was missing art on the walls. I recently moved an antique dresser out of storage and into my apartment given to me by my grandmother. It seems the dresser really adds depth and fullness to the place. My apartment is quite modern - but the dresser brings an honesty and sturdiness to the space. It’s also become the perfect place for blankets and towels - as both my son and I’s bathroom have limited storage. I’ve gotten the lighting just right in each room and I feel more comfortable than ever before. I think when I first moved there - I stayed minimal out of fear of settling here too long. I’ve accepted that this space is more than just a pit stop for us.

Another thing that has become quite enjoyable is parenting. I’ve always loved my son - but never saw motherhood as “fun” on a regular basis. I look forward to picking him up from school and checking his folder to see what type of day he had. Now, he is old enough to joke with me and have preferences about what we eat for dinner. I am falling in love with my son and the rewards of our relationship. He is there to cover my feet when the cover doesn’t reach. He now says “bless you” when I sneeze. He shares his oranges with me - and lets me know how he feels about my outfits. Teaching him to write and sharpening his tools has become a challenge that is rewarding. He is hands down the best part of every thing in his awareness and maturation.

Mentally and emotionally, I have learned how much energy my career deserves. I know how to decide what needs my attention and what does not. I’ve learned how to not sweat the small things. I have good time management. Things I’ve been working on is being more spontaneous and taking more risks. I’ve become a lot more accepting of things I can’t control. I’ve been able to start creating again in new ways. I know how to still perform - even in fear of the result or failure.

I feel that my ability to love others is widespread in this season. I’ve been loving honestly, and in ways that feel real and natural. I think this is because I’ve been firm in the ways that I wish to be loved and appreciated. I want a life of genuine bonds and friendships. I feel so grateful for the beautiful connections that I have in my life at the moment. I feel supported, I feel adored, I feel uplifted. There is a newness and a rebirth after a long time of healing and emotion surfing this year. As 2022 comes to an end I think this is one of the best years I’ve had in a long time - one with the most growth.

Recently, I took a quick trip to New Orleans which was beautiful in every way. Travel is so essential to my spirituality and creativity. The first day there was rainy and I was mostly outside under an umbrella. I felt cleansed and refreshed opposed to gloomy and introspective. The second day was so warm like a summer Texas day. I took a nap, and explored. I was tired from play in New Orleans. It is interesting being exhausted from delight as opposed to responsibility. I also put this vintage dress on to capture the overall essence of the trip. I love the way vintage clothing fits my body. Measurements of the past are so much more realistic and intentional than clothes of these days. In this dress I felt womanly, and feminine.

I appreciate this space where I can come and ramble - whether anyone sees it or not. It is a treat to write just because.

Love always,

C.

CHANGES

Life is moving at lightening speed and slipping right through my fingers. It feels like July was just yesterday. I think time has been passing so quickly because of my schedule. There’s been a lot of high priority tasks to handle that consume me week after week. Lately, I’ve intentionally taken time to slow down and say no. No to projects, no to phone calls, no to events, just no. What’s even more perplexing than a hectic schedule is how much I’ve changed in the midst of showing up for all of my obligations. It feels important to shift my approach now and address things as the self I have become and not the self I once was. I think it is interesting how we just change over time - but don’t always have the cognizance to call it out or even notice. As I’ve prioritized groundedness, I see how it reflects my daily life.

I feel fearful when I notice myself slipping back into the headspace of the past me. While I am proud of my change, it is work to be consistent. This has been the most drastic change I’ve seen in myself in a long time.

The new me listens deeply to my intuition. I listen to everything she says and I apply her guidance to my movement. The new me has a beautiful relationship with money and finances. The new me spends and invests with confidence that all of my money will circulate it’s way back to me and/or multiply. I have ascended from a scarcity mindset and understand the natural fluctuation of cash flow. I am more generous to myself than I’ve ever been - in every way. The new me is very firm and sure, whereas before I was an indecisive person.

Another thing that has shifted in me is listening closer to my body. Doing a lot of research on the body and its functions. I’ve taken detailed notes on each component of my ‘moon time’ and the way that I’m affected with each phase. I’ve gone really deep into the mind, body and spirit of self. In this type of inner work and the amount of awareness it brings - I’ve unfortunately become more sensitive to everything. I have bouts where I want to be alone and wish to not be perceived at all. I find it obtuse how growth is so sacred, but has to be done simultaneously with everyday responsibilities to ensure survival. Regardless of where you are mentally, you still have to go out and commit to your day. So we are all naked mirrors moving through the course of life.

What catapults me into these major changes is looking at life on a grand scale. Once I start to process how short life is, and how we really only have one - I realize how important it is to be free. Free to feel, free to love and free to experience life in its fullness. As a parent, I also contemplate how I want life to FEEL - like really feel each day. How much love and accountability and organization is necessary for my child to have a good life. What isn’t enough? What is too much?

A new thing that’s in the forefront of my mind is - love. Acting out of love, and responding out of love. I want to be someone who is seen as loving and kind. Even in situations that are ugly or unideal, I still want to be graceful and cemented in my energy. So when I have a trying day with my son, I want to respond to him in a loving, but constructive way. When I am frustrated driving home in traffic, I try to honk less and not become emotionally consumed by not having control of the way other cars are driving. When I’m teaching my students and they have unruly moments, I try to respond in a way that displays devotion instead of frustration. All people deserve love and to be love - you can’t pick and choose when to embody it. I think this type of mentality will enhance my life and mitigate things like stress and resentment.

These are the thoughts on my mind lately. Even with all this said, I know that at the same time - none of it matters and that everything is everything. There’s space for it all.

Above in the picture are these handmade reflection questions I made for my friend Ashley. Her and her husband just got married and I sent about 40 cards to them as a gift. I love making things like this and creating opportunities for people to contemplate. Love is so beautiful and just like our shifts in life - we have to make time and space for this sacred deliberation.

SUMMERS OVER: HAWAII ON FILM

Over the years I’ve developed a love for film photography. Film shots tell a story and make you feel like you’re stepping back into that moment. Film is a dreamy and nostalgic medium. There’s beauty in the imperfection of each shot. I love that you can’t see how they look until after processing. This forces you to accept the moment and move on. Much of digital/iPhone photography is taking a picture again and again until it looks perfect. Film is real. Film is authentic. Film photography allows you to capture a moment and get back to enjoying real life - without the fixation and obsession of flawlessness. A friend of mine lent me a camera to take with me on this family trip to Hawaii and I finally got them back. Seeing these moments made me feel like I was there again - so today I’m sharing them with you.

This getaway to Hawaii was exactly what I needed. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to be somewhere I had never been before. Phoenix and I needed a break from our everyday routine. The best part about this trip was the length. I loved having almost a full week to just explore and be with family. Traveling with family is special to me because I live hours away from my hometown. This trip was also really special because it was Phoenix’s first time visiting a beach. He’s been asking me all year if we could go to the beach and I finally got to fulfill his requests.

WILDFLOWER RELEASE : SUNDAY - AUGUST 7, 2022

This moment has seemed so far for so long. The beginning stages of Wildflower established itself in January of 2021. Along the way I took breaks, some long - and some short. I mostly wrote in times of reflection, grief, and intense creativity. The first year required introspection and writing from a vulnerable place. The second year (most of 2022) was finding the appropriate way to actualize my writing into a tool others could utilize. Wildflower is very personal and aligned with my growth as I flow through seasons of life. The best part about the process for me is the self healing, and the genuine passion for creating. The brainstorming, the meetings, the merch design, and visuals are all aspects of the process that I truly enjoy. Below are some questions that offer more insight about Wildflower.

How did you decide on the title Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower at a fierce chapter in my life where I intentionally made decisions that were best for me. In this stage, I tried a lot of things for the first time. I made decisions in my life that may be seen as unorthodox or that others may disagree with. Wildflower speaks to the freedom that I called upon my life. Also, my last name is Flowers - so naturally Wildflower felt like the best title.

Who is Wildflower for? Wildflower is for anyone who is seeking a deeper connection with self. Wildflower is a mirror, and a space to explore discussions that are often avoided due to shame.

Why did you start writing Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower because I needed reassurance and inspiration to continue to grow through the inevitable oppositions connected to growth. Underneath doing the surface level “work”, is an opportunity to get even more connected to yourself - and thus everything else.

What chapter is your favorite? My favorite chapter is ‘Living In Your Truth’, because self acceptance is the first step to ascension.

What lessons did you learn in the journey of creating ‘Wildflower’? I learned that nothing is perfect and not to let imperfections stifle me. I learned to move forward with my process, even in fear. I learned that good things take time, and that I can’t do everything on my own.

What is the difference between Wildflower and ‘Ode to 20s’ ? I feel that Ode to 20s is a classic piece of enlightenment and “rite of passage” feeling book. Wildflower is a deeper and more detailed practice of empowerment and strengthening self worth. Ode to 20s is smaller in size and more of a zine style book. Wildflower is sturdy and lengthy. Both books are transparent and written from a loving place.

PHONE CALLS

Lately, Ive been thinking about the tools we use when we’re in distress. I’ve decided that our tools depend on our level of discomfort. Level one upset may mean you just need a nap. Level two upset perhaps a workout can fix things. But when I am really down in the dumps I pick up my phone. When I want to feel grounded, phone calls do the trick every time. I may call my Granny or my Dad, and something about the call brings solace - even if I never spoke of my issue or current obstacles. I think elders can feel grief and know how to reassure others out of this low place.

When I feel emotionally unorganized, a two hour conversation with my best friend brings clarity. The opportunity to get my thoughts out of my head and make sense of them is powerful. Having someone that will listen without judgement and offer perspective is a beautiful way out of self destruction.

I think there’s beauty in someones voice or conversation bringing you peace. I think there’s beauty in feeling better afterward because of them. I’ve been getting calls lately from dear people just checking in and it made me wonder if they were searching for comfort in me. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, speaking with someone who loves you is a very quick healing tool that I urge you to use. This isn’t about dumping your issues on others, but seeking the support that you truly deserve.

Happy Sunday: If You Want To Feel Something

Just sharing this video because it had me in tears this morning while I was baking blueberry muffins! Watching live music videos is one of my favorite past times. How magical is it to see artists perform the songs we love? We create our own stories and feelings around songs, but to see the delivery is special. While I don’t consider myself a Summer Walker fanatic, I really love this specific song. I listen to it often. ‘Session 32’ is a heartbreak classic. I feel that her music is powerful because her writing is so real and written from deep emotion.

Something else I love about her is that when she performs she sings the songs HOW THEY’RE RECORDED which makes it easy to anticipate her next note and sing along. There’s another video I watch of hers all the time where she sings this same song. THIS version is my new favorite and she barely even sings. I began to get teary eyed before she did. Imagine this many people singing and resonating so deeply with something that you created. The same way the crowd is singing her song is the same way I sing it in my car.

Chloe`

Wildflower Talk

Much like most of my work, Wildflower was a long letter to myself. The (me) trying to grow in various ways despite life’s up and downs. Something I’ve learned about others through my writing is that we are all so much alike. We share some of the same fears and triumphs. When writing ‘Wildflower’, I became my own place of refuge and healing. I began to write about all the topics I felt called to address. Somebody has to sacrifice and put it all out there so people can know they aren’t crazy - but human beings. Our experiences connect us all in a profound way. Similarly to my last project, ‘Ode to 20s’, I touched on subjects that are often shunned due to shame.

This project took a lot out of me. There were challenges the entire way. With Wildflower I’ve grown stronger in the way that I handle relationships and conflict. I am less reactive and more accepting. I also am better at digesting bad news and some of my fears becoming reality.

Before Wildflower releases, I do want to offer more information about what it entails. Wildflower is a guide created to bring you closer to yourself. Wildflower is a gentle approach to looking within and making adjustments that bring peace and a life of higher quality. Each chapter of Wildflower is unique in its own way addressing many of the things we avoid or just don’t have the tools to handle.

Table of Contents:

Soul Ascendence & Growth:

Living In Your Truth
Decision Making
Creative Roadblocks
Knowing Your Worth
Flow > Force
Designing Your Life

Inevitable Dark Clouds:

Ending Cycles
Social Awkwardness & Making Friends
On Loss
Approaching Your Fears
On Acne
Low on Money

Mystic Romance & Beyond:
The Cord Cutting Meditation
How A Date Should Feel
Someone Who Really Loves You
Inward Empathy & Coping
Time & Disagreements
Real Love

Childhood & Parenting:
You’re A Good Mother, sis
Nurturing Your Inner Child
On Parents, Biological Parents, Stepparents
For Single Mothers

I will make another post closer to the release date of Wildflower sharing images and more information. Something I want those who support me to know is that I sourced everything for Wildflower. I wrote the entire book, using my life experiences, intuition and education. I hired a graphics designer and an editor. I paid upfront for the production and printing the first set of “Wildflower”. I curated my own marketing and promotion content. I created the shoot and film concepts. I will touch and wrap every book myself - as well as ship each one out to you with my own time and materials. Wildflower is self published. There were no short cuts with this project, and it was created with genuine love. I feel like I’ve waited forever to share this with you all. Patience has been the teacher, and I’ve been the student.

Chloe’

Image by: Jakian Parks