CONVERSATIONAL CHEMISTRY

Conversing with people who articulate themselves well is one of my favorite pastimes. Throughout my life, I’ve leaned closer into discussion with humans who are wiser and often older than I am. When I’m speaking to someone who is enlightened, I walk away with something invaluable. I find it miraculous how you can leave discourse more open-minded, with an outlook you didn’t possess before. We’re all visual creatures, but what engulfs me about someone is the rhythm of our dialect and how gracefully we are able to move from one concept to the next - it's like a verbal dance. When I speak to someone who is inarticulate or has poor conversation etiquette, I recoil. These interactions initiate reflection over what ingredients make up conversational chemistry. 

I find that eye contact presses power into someone’s statements. Eyes are a portal into someone's truth and supports their spiritual credibility. There’s an availability in eye contact that offers reciprocity. Having a conversation with someone who avoids mutual gaze may lack self assurance, making their message weak, invalid and unimaginative. 

The ability to pause and listen is a skill that took practice for me to execute. What brought my attention to this idea was listening to podcasts that have more than one host, and studying the way space is created between more than one person. I deeply enjoyed listening to a well structured podcast, where there is respect for someone’s moment of expression. A big part of being a good listener is processing what an individual is trying to convey. How can you provide a meaningful response if you did not first *grasp* their proposition? A healthy pause that allows your brain to soak up the material before responding allows your thought to come out gracefully. Another unmatched skill is being concise with your word and not overriding to the point where your gem isn't received. Say what you have to say without babbling. This is important to me because dominating the conversation shows, you only want to be heard, without listening. What's crazy is, many people don't even realize that they habitually impede others in conversation. You have to be willing to listen, with the possibility to learn. 

I think it is important to only be passionate about subject matter that you have personal experience or expertise on. There is awareness in knowing when to silence yourself when there is not enough prior knowledge to properly analyze something. It’s okay to say “I don't know very much about this or that” when someone asks your perspective.” Opting out of going down a road you’ve never driven stops you from getting lost and confused in the middle of nowhere. The urge to be right about something you’re unfamiliar with is rooted in a desire for social dominance, reactivity and the tendency to fuse opinion with facts. 

I could go on about this for an eternity, but I guess my last mention would be - understanding the difference between a conversation and a debate. I think it is also imperative to know appropriate occasions for both styles of dialogue. A conversation means that you’re open to being wrong, to possibly change your mind about something and able to hold space for the outlook of others. A conversation is enjoyable and builds connection. Conversations should bring clarity and exploration. Debates are often coated with a determination to be right. Debates open the door for escalation into arguments due to the abrasive counter responses. Being able to engage in objective reasoning without raising your voice or offending others is the real mark of intelligence. I love when I see a celebrity being cornered into reactive topics about their personal life, and then they eloquently side step the interrogation and reclaim their boundaries. 

The art of conversation will always be a studied technique for me. It is rare for me to meet someone whose communication style and topics of interest align with mine, but when it happens it is truly enchanting. This is how I know I’ve found one of my “people”. This doesn't mean that either of us are agreeable, we just respect each other's mind. 

AT HOME BEAUTY SHOP

I’ll start by saying I’m really appreciative that God decided to give me a head full of hair. I am! Having thick and strong hair gives me options, and contributes to my feminine *allure*. My hair heightens my overall essence and self confidence. My grandmother jokes that the one thing my mom wished for when she was pregnant with me was that I had a head full of hair. My mother’s desires were affirmed. 

With that being said, I find myself at a crossroads these days when it comes to hair dressing. Haircare has become one of the most demanding commitments of all time. For starters, my hair is natural and does not maintain the same “style” for even an entire day. I run a few times a week. Cardio prevents me from being able to wear my hair straight and out (down) or natural and out. Hot yoga with an afro does not mix. This has pushed me into frequently wearing braids, which apparently isn’t good for your hair. I tried being a “straight natural” and that isn't good for curls. I think my hair determines the quality of my overall look and weighs heavily into how I feel about my appearance. So for the last two years, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on appointments so that I can be presentable or sometimes “professional”. I spend money on various braiding styles. I spend money buying hair for sew-ins or human hair added to bohemian braids. I’ve spent money getting silk press after silk press, along with steams and trims. I’ve spent money on natural clip in’s. It just seems like month after month a fortune was going to hairstyles. I am eager to find my signature hairstyle that I can rely on for vitality and glamour. 

Towards the end of a style, you should see me researching inspiration pictures trying to figure out what to do next with my hair. Last month, I was at my wits end! I was ready to go to the barber shop and get a bald fade! I really had to sit with myself and think about what I was doing when my hair was at its healthiest state. That’s what I want. I want my hair to be healthy and I want it to look good and I don't want to spend so much on it. It dawned on me that when my hair was most beautiful - I was doing it myself. I was trimming it myself and braiding it myself. It’s time consuming and takes a lot of patience and a good show to watch. Once I could afford consistent styling, I just kept getting my hair done professionally without thinking about how much it costs over time. 

As I get older, I focus more on being as beautiful as I can with less maintenance as possible. I aim to be a woman who is stunning when she is stripped from modern cosmetics. Some beauty treatments I could never give up, but I know how to do hair. There was a time in my life where I did other people's hair for them. So now, I’m committing to doing my hair myself until I figure out my defining style. It’s been a challenge and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up. I’m going to shoot for styling my own hair for the rest of 2025. For the first time in a long time, I was having some drastic thoughts about cutting my hair and completely throwing maintenance out of the window. I’ve come to my senses and intend to approach this calmly. I am “haircut curious” but I don't want to make permanent decisions based on emotion. However, I know from “big chopping” my hair in college that it can feel freeing to shed physical layers.

If you are a woman of color, how are you managing your hair throughout the year? Is it unrealistic to opt out of salon culture year round? What is your go-to hairstyle? Have you cut your hair in seasons of pressure and how did that experience turn out?

FRAGILE ALL JULY

Artwork by: Devon Deshaun @dev.deshaun - devondeshaun.com

I was in a delicate state all thirty one days last month. Actually, on the 31st day was when I awoke from this fog and decided to start taking steps in a different direction. This day I went to see some art and treated myself to a nice dinner. One thing I’m really working on is remembering the blessings of my life (even) when I’m dispirited with dilemmas. It’s like I ignore all of life’s offerings because I’m over-directing my energy at the issue. 

Something that called this out for me was the main character in the book “This Little Life”. A big lesson I took away from the novel was not to waste time being miserable when life is still beautiful beyond trauma or brokenheartedness. I was so fed up with Jude because he never gave himself the chance to enjoy his custom designed condo or his loving partner. He could never appreciate his success as a lawyer or be grateful for his adoptive parents because he was so hung up on the unfairness of life. He allowed the darkness of his past to cast a cloud over his entire existence and I hated that for him. I realized that my actions were being mirrored which created frustration with this character! When I finished the book, it felt like a promise to myself to live all the cheerful times that I could. It’s magical to become wiser through a non fictional character in a book. Unfortunately in July, I could not apply this concept to my day to day. I was genuinely plagued and allowed it to last way too long. 

Even though I was in a “sunken” place, I was still very functional. I worked out four times a week for the entire month. I also committed to writing more which I was proud of. Phoenix and I visited home twice in July, so there was a lot of driving and reflecting. Not living near family means I’m often roadtripping and this is when I heal and plot the hardest. I leave home with so many questions and usually return with solid answers for myself. The open time and space allows for less interruptions of thought. By the end of the month I gave myself permission to stop suffering and just accept the way things are. I hope the next time I find myself in that headspace, I snap out of it quicker by reminding myself of the divine sanction that leads my life. I am impressed by my ability to still focus on my goals for the month outside of my emotional state. Some people quit in life if they get too beside themselves. I'm proud to not lose sight of the fact that things have to be done! The world does not care how you feel, there are objectives to master. Do it broke. Do it sad. Do it tired. Just get it done. 

Emotionally, I am mostly out of the woods. One thing that has helped me when I feel myself beginning to spiral is asking myself what I need in that moment and then sourcing it! Do I need a coffee? Do I need to go for a run? Do I need a nap? The other day I realized I needed conversation, so I called someone and talked to them. A colossal amount of shadow work was done in July and I hid from everyone most of the month trying to regulate. I hope that for the rest of the year I’m able to be steady in my spirit and move with the fluctuations of life. I hope that I recover quicker when I’m knocked off of my feet. Life has awarded me with so much and those things still remain in moments of temporary struggle. I hope that I remain grateful and give myself (and others) grace.

C. <3

DEMONSTRATION OF AFFECTION THROUGH FOOD

When I visited my granny last weekend, she sent me home with a plate of food. A nice balanced southern classic dinner. This meal was soothing for me in ways I didn't understand until I was done eating. It was regenerative and comforting. She is hands down the best cook I know- even at the age of 84. The meal wasn’t one of her most elaborate but it was filled with so much care and sustenance. It made me think about the fact that it had been so long since I had a homemade meal prepared by someone else.  A meal I didn’t have to work to make or be present to help for. All wrapped up and only needing to be reheated. Most of the time, I eat food as I prepare it. By the time the meal is complete, I’m full from all my samples. I rarely sit down and enjoy a plate that’s purposefully prepared. After I cook, I like to start the kitchen clean up immediately before I get tired. I can’t sleep well knowing my kitchen is dirty!  When someone prepares a meal for you that tastes good and requires no effort from you it is an expression of love and a demonstration of affection. 

This meal made me think about the energy food holds. We know how we feel after we eat a meal that makes us sluggish and drained. After eating, I felt energetic and revived. It can’t be a coincidence that the flavor housed in each bite created a sense of livelihood within me. The combination of all the different spices and chopped vegetables and sauces really awakened something familiar and lineal within me. Not to make everything sound profound and mystical - but my granny's cooking takes me into a time portal back to childhood. In my single digit ages, I had access to her cooking all the time. Sometimes, when we’re on the phone she’s cooking I’ll ask her what she's preparing. I gawk at every detail she shares and I tell her I wish I was there to eat it. We laugh together because we both know I’m about to miss out the savoring. I love the way I cook, but nothing compares to a meal made by her. 

As I get older, I fall more in love with cooking and creating various staple meals. I am starting to implement fuller and more exciting meals on Sunday nights as a southern belle should! I hope that one day, my grandchildren feel the same way about my food. One thing my granny does with her cooking that I try to emulate is being thorough in my prep. I slice my onion, bellpepper and whatever other added vegetables down really tiny before adding them to a meal. Doing this ensures that in every single bite there’s guaranteed to be a hint of every ingredient. Another thing she taught me how to do was butter the pan properly when I’m baking cornbread. She taught me the proper way to distribute flour evenly after oiling a cake pan. She shows me how paying close attention to the small details in preparation make for beautiful meals. Another thing she taught me was the order to cook things in to ensure freshness as all parts of the meal finish concurrently. I can taste her influence in some meals I cook, but I still have a long way to go.

'A LITTLE LIFE" BY HANYA YANAGIHARA

A Little Life is a book that came to me at a time where I wanted to be reacquainted with reading for pleasure. Reading was a prime hobby of mine when I was younger and as an english educator - liberal arts is a huge part of my life. A goal of mine was to read as many books as I could this summer  from cover to cover. I researched for novels that make you “feel something” and keep you engaged. This book was suggested more than once and after watching a couple reviews - I ordered it. When it arrived, I realized it was eight hundred pages, but I was determined. It was important to me to finish the book to prove my level of concentration to myself. Strengthening my writing means that leisure reading should be a part of my life. How can you write if you don't read? Now that I’m done, I can honestly say that this novel came at a perfect time in my life. There were many warnings that came with the book stating that it was really sad and may make you cry. I didn’t cry when I was reading, but I did experience intense feelings at certain points. There are themes of abuse, suicide and mental health fluctuations all thoughtout the book, mixed with drug use, toxic relationships and secrets. On the other hand, there is gentle love, compassion, friendship and dedication. 

When I started the book, I decided to make a diagram of all the characters. The first chunk of the book is very introductory - giving you the ins and outs of all the personalities throughout the lengthy novel. The diagram helped me make distinctions between the characters without becoming confused. The book follows four main characters who are all friends, with a focus on one character named Jude. I fell in love with Jude’s character mainly because he was very smart and despite all of his limitations, he was still able to have a meaningful life. I loved him because the author, Hanya Yanagihara, builds an intimate relationship between the reader and Jude by confessing his innermost thoughts. The book is heavily centered by his internal monologue, giving you the opportunity to identify and relate to some of his thoughts about life - and death. 

The book is very mature and I feel that I may not have been able to grasp some concepts had I read the novel ten years ago. Something that this book triggered in me was my sensitivity to time. Hanya takes us through the happenings of decades within 800 pages. Understanding Jude’s choices and how they played out over thirty years made me reflect on my own decisions and how they may affect me over time. The biggest takeaway is that time goes on and that you should always choose what makes you happy in the end. It was a reminder not to spend so much time being sad or depressed.  It also opened my eyes to what love can look like beyond the prototypical characteristics I know it to have.

I would love to see this novel in film form. Jude was said to be really handsome - and I wonder if this is him on the front of the book? It has to be! This novel was brimming with perceptible moments. I would love to see Jude’s final home designed by Malcolm. All of the visual details about this space seemed sooo contemporary - much like the pages I follow and the apartment inspo that I admire. I would’ve loved to see their home they built together. I also think if you love New York and are inspired by that scenery - you would love this book. Hanya is very specific with street names and areas of New York in this novel, so I could imagine that being enjoyable for someone who loves gotham city and its boroughs. One of the reviews I watched said that there was a play based on A Little Life that showed in London - but hasn't been streamed.

This was an amazing summer read because it held onto me for dear life. A huge chunk of this book was read while I was on my way to and from London. I read this book in bed, at the pool, in the car between appointments. It feels urgent to get to the next section - the next happening. I’ll always think about Jude and his character. If I get another pet, I'm naming it Jude. If you read or have read the book - you understand. It’s sadly been a very long time since I’ve read a novel from cover to cover outside of teaching. I made the time and I’m really proud of myself for that. I look forward to figuring out my next read. Reading creates patience and exercises your brain. Every word I didn't know while I was reading - I underlined and circled back. My comprehension was strengthened by reading this book. My humility and understanding of love was stretched reading this book. The first 80 pages are a little dull - but once you make it past that - it's a true gem. I wish that the book was structured with more chapter pauses, so that the length doesn't seem as intimidating - but maybe it was intended for readers who aren't afraid of commitment. Overall, I give the novel a 4.5 out of 5. This is an amazing book club book because you will feel like you need a support group after reading it! 

C. <3

FLOW STATE

The Kiss - Constantin Brancusi 1907-1908 (image captured at Nasher Sculpture Center in Dallas, Texas)

You’re in flow state when your body knows what to do, based on your established yet natural patterns. The perfect combination of self awareness and intuition create a circulation connecting your mind to your physical body. When you’re in flow state, your intent and your heart are in alignment because balance has been welcomed into your energetic field. This is a difficult practice because it requires a deep concentration and presence in each moment. When you’re in flow state, you are birthing personal rituals like beads on a necklace. In a constant flow state, you experience bead after bead of the goodness you have created for yourself. This requires studying what you need and what feels good. This looks like discovering how your mind works. Flow state takes dedication to studying your temperament in this world and positioning yourself for the maximum comfort.

Flow state is a time when all of your energy is being used to sustain your well being. The longer you’re in flow state, when you come out of it (inevitably), you're still connected to a high level of proper decision making and elevated consciousness. It is a sacred realm that is upheld by one powerful selective moment at a time. When you come out of a flow state, there is a path back to it through the habits you’ve designed for your life. I want so  badly to exist in a stable flow state. For me, this has looked like: 

• Becoming more present in general (listening intently when other people speak, finishing one task at a time, spending time in quiet without music, or podcasts) 

• Consciously making better choices, so that good choices begin to flow from me effortlessly

• Getting serious about my time and understanding how much can realistically be done in one hour or one day

• Listening to my intuition about my immediate actions throughout the day

• Understanding when my body is trying to give me a message about being hungry or feeling anxious 

• Sticking to my workout routines even when I want to skip because the “post workout high” is good for my mental health and self confidence 

• Understanding that my goals will not be accomplished if I don’t chip away at them everyday 

• Limiting social media intake so that I can preserve my unique thought pattern 

Flow state can serve as an invitation to others who are flowing in the same space as you, at comparable speeds. When you are out of flow, you attract things, people and situations that are incompatible. Flow state is when you lean into complexities and see misfortunes as moments of research and understanding. This is when you worship your body by getting rest as well as movement. This is when you strive for peace in your life and provide others with peace. 

Initially flow state is a series of constructive movements that become customary practices. This is when you’ve been dedicated long enough to your boundaries - that others also respect you and your boundaries. Flow state is when you are finally free to understand how big and small you are on this earth. Ginormous because of your ability to inspire and enhance realities for others. Small because you are a single being in one place amongst others just like you. To be in your groove, and have the ability to exercise positive free will equals the best life possible.

CRYING PATTERNS

Crying is one of the most intimate human experiences you can have with yourself. It’s your body's natural response to the emotion you feel. It’s similar to sweating when you’re hot or shivering when you’re cold. It’s like when your skin regenerates itself with a scab. It’s this uncontrollable release stemming directly from your heart. As much as crying may be triggering to me - it's also a point of truth that can no longer be escaped. I used to cry a lot. I cried about being overwhelmed with situations that were difficult to handle. Or - I would cry if my feelings were hurt and I felt betrayed or unseen. But as I get older, tears are more seldom than ever. When they come they serve as a rush of truth and my knowing to accept certain truth. The tears come from a place of realization and the internal work that needs to be done. I rarely cry tears of joy. Mostly when I cry, it's when I understand that I’m not in control. I cry when it doesn't matter how smart or clever I am and none of my “solutions” or answers will work. My cry is final cooperation with life and what it calls to be my reality. It’s calling me to the center of my world to surrender and take my hand off the wheel. 

One of my mentors told me something that sticks with me everyday. He says to “flow like water” and to “take the path of least resistance”. This idea resonated with me so deeply because my tears arrive when I’m NOT flowing like water - when I’m taking the path of MOST resistance. This is something I personally have to be aware of because I like complex things. Something in me enjoys understanding the intricacies of life - so much so that I can sometimes become preoccupied with things that aren’t aligned with my mission. I find it interesting to know my tears are mostly a result of the same emotion. I also find it useful to understand that if I find myself in a crying season - it is because I won’t submit to my flow. That perfect mixture of introspection and aphorisms helps me understand how to grow and shift perspective. 

What is your relationship like with tears? Whenever you cry - what is it often about? What is your crying pattern?

A LOVE LETTER 2 LONDON

Being in London felt like being in a book, every turn becomes more picturesque. Every building and garden bush seems etched with precision and care. There’s something about the character of the city that feels made up in the most thoughtful way. People seem more free there - mentally, emotionally and physically. When I was on the train, there was this young couple riding together to their destination. The train was so packed and everyone was cohesively riding despite the discomfort of the warmth and sticky closeness to strangers. These two were so present with one another, staring into each others eyes the whole time. The train stops were harsh and became more crowded with each door opening. They hung on to each other and enjoyed the obligatory closeness. Another day, there was an older couple who looked like they had both been working all day. It seemed that they were on their way home. The woman was massaging her husband or significant others back. I could tell she was really putting in effort to relieve him of whatever pain the day had caused. Relationships just felt extremely rich in London, almost like no one else exists but you and yours. Not in a rude way - in a “respect for space” way.

With no cellular service on the train - you’re left with your thoughts or a book or your person and I enjoyed witnessing that. There were even some people calmly petting their dogs in their laps as they rode. For me, it was fun to converse with Phoenix on the train as we rode to our next destination. Completely eliminating the car or traffic shifts the energy to a feeling that invites exploration and curiosity. I didn’t see anyone scrolling when I was there, I saw no children with tablets or electronic entertainment (only mine). After day two, we knew to leave the iPad and that he would be occupied with all there was to see. Out of everything, I would say he enjoyed the tube the most - he loved going up and down the stairs while it was moving down the street. This contained rebellion was perfect for both him and I.

When I visit again, I will spend more time shopping in Soho. I finally found the dream area to shop and peruse just as it was time for me to leave the area for a reservation. I want to experience the nightlife and more of the museums. One thing I regret not experiencing was the tea. The full afternoon tea ordeal. People compare London to New York and they have many similarities. London just seems cleaner, less crowded, healthier and a little less diverse.

One day we visited Brixton and I came across this gorgeous sterling silver cuff bracelet with gold detailing and orange beading. The man who was selling them had an aura that drew me closer to his work and his story. He was an older Black man who said that he had made the bracelet I loved in the 90s (when I was born). All of his pieces were beautiful and it was hard to pick just one thing. I knew I wanted to treat myself on this trip - so I got the bracelet. But - his face I’ll never forget. In general, I can be indecisive. I tried the bracelet on and studied it closely. Not once did he try to persuade me further to get the bracelet or give me more information to sway me. He sat there quietly and patiently. I even left and came back and he was still very undisturbed by whatever my choice may be. He was confident in his work and in his prices. I got the bracelet and I am still very happy with it. Like all of my jewelry, it has a special story.

There is so much more I could say about my six days in this beautiful city - but I’ll stop here today. I’d be writing forever if I said everything I wanted to.

HAPPY NEW YEAR // LIFE IS FRAGILE

My first post of 2025! This year feels the freshest out of many recent years because we are starting the year in a new living space. What separates this new year from the last is the wisdom I feel at the root of all my thoughts. Decisions are easier to make and I am more emotionally developed than ever. I just feel grown. I’m starting the year in a headspace of self sufficiency and the idea that - if I changed nothing this year at all, I’ve reached a point of love and appreciation for who I am and what is.

I won’t go too much into my goals for 2025, but I will share that I want to continue to level up in every way. Across all fronts, I just want to do my best. Some simple things I’m considering is prioritizing natural beauty. This is appreciating what God gave me and enhancing it in healthy ways. I’d love to start making more purchases of high quality. I want to learn to change things before life forces me to change things. I want to make bold choices and be comfortable with them.

Side Note: Honestly, the fires in Los Angeles have thrown me for a loop which may be why this post is so delayed. My Pisces sun/Cancer moon spirit feels empathy for everyone who was impacted. I can’t lie, I obsessively watched the videos on social media of people sharing what they lost and what they were experiencing. I was traumatized by the dilapidation and the disarray caused. I spent a lot of time imagining how I’d react if that were me - more importantly I felt so grateful for my life and everything in it. I felt sadness because I love Los Angeles - specifically the Pacific Palisades and have many beautiful memories there. 

I also feel like sometimes capitalism forces you into the new year without letting you check it out first. Like can we sit in it for a few days and take it in? The wildfires are a reminder that we are not in control regardless of what is on our calendars or what we celebrate. Nature always has the last word. 

2024 RECAP: So much happened in 2024, so I’m going to stick to brief highlights for each month.

JANUARY

One special memory I have from January is experiencing ceramics for the first time and signing myself up for a solo pottery class at @ocisly_ceramics in Miami. Two months later I received my pieces back and they were all so beautiful and unique. January was the start of radical self care in every way! Even though I was in grad school, I was still making time for myself!

FEBRUARY

February wasn’t the best month, though it is my birthday month. It felt slow and cold. One thing I made sure to do was document the time with a casual shoot in Dallas. In retrospect, I’m glad I took the time to do that because the year was about to pick up in ways I couldn’t imagine.

MARCH

For spring break, I decided to take Phoenix on a nature road trip near Austin. This was my first time taking him on a trip where it was just us two. It was challenging, but we had fun and it was important for me to embrace that level of independence. He grew so much in 2024. Looking back, that trip was the last of a very specific stage he was in as a rambunctious little boy.

APRIL

April was laid back, but I did go home (Houston) a lot. Friends and family brought me back home almost every weekend. I read “Jazz” by Toni Morrison and I remember disliking the ending. I installed some mini braids with human hair extensions on myself which was really cute. I sometimes forget that I actually know how to do hair. April is when I met my new nail tech Yosi who SLAYED my nails for the remainder of the year.

MAY

At the top of May, I had a quick trip to Atlanta which was cute. The weather was nice and it felt very southern and familiar. I was preparing to say goodbye to another set of seniors as I do every May. Those kids were really special and work changed drastically after they left. My mom and I shared a super special Mothers Day in Austin. At the end of May, one of my girlfriends and I went to Jamaica - which was one of the best trips of my life so far. When I got back from Jamaica, I was different. Negril is a charmed place that I can’t wait to get back to. I jumped off a cliff in Jamaica with hundreds of people watching! I laughed deep laughs while I was there. I was entranced by the scenery and the rainfall and all the beautiful black people. There’s no place like Negril.

JUNE

In June, I got really busy with The Oklahoma Cowboys, directing my first youth summer camp. This was my first time doing press with news stations and the camp was very successful. The same day the camp ended - I traveled to catch my moms mermaid themed birthday party and then ended the month in (Destin) Florida with family which was ALMOST just as amazing as Jamaica. Nothing beats seeing Phoenix running on the beach with his cousins. The summer was very sun filled. The calm beginning to the year was worth this packed summer of travel and quality time.

In the last few days of June - I traveled to New York for a few days and got to experience a true New York summer. I left inspired and aware of my favorite areas in the city. It takes time in New York to truly appreciate it. I’d say that was my fifth visit and I’m warming up to the culture more and more.

JULY

As if June wasn’t crazy enough - we celebrated my sons 7th birthday in San Antonio at Seaworld. This was one of the best birthdays he’s had in my opinion since he was younger. At this stage, Phoenix was obsessed with Orca whales. I know he enjoyed every second of spending time with us. One thing I really love about my family is the way we all come together for him.

AUGUST

August was the start of a new school year AND my graduation month! Finishing grad school was an accomplishment I was waiting for all year and I felt proud of myself. I was so exhausted that I don’t think I celebrated the way I should have. I was happy to get back to myself after many sleepless nights.

SEPTEMBER

In September I went to Los Angeles and had the time of my life. I saw some beautiful art and spent time with some beautiful people. I love going back to LA and doing all the things I couldn’t do when I lived there. I found a new hairstylist and started to experiment with new hairstyles. Knowing what ultimately happened to LA just a few months later makes me so grateful to have visited in 2024.

OCTOBER

In October, I found myself back in LA again to see Solange. This time around was even better than the first time. At this point in the year, I really felt like the version of myself that I always daydreamed about. I looked how I wanted and was traveling how I wanted and still on the high of graduating. All really was well at this point in the year. The math was math-ing in every way. Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. I also was able to travel home and spend time with my cousins for Halloween and I enjoyed seeing our children all together.

At the end of October, my mom and I took a girls trip to MIAMI. Yes. Miami truly is one of my favorite places in the US. The weather, the shopping and the food just can’t be beat. The flight is quick and the vibes are consistent. This trip with my mom was a game changer and we bonded so hard. I wish I could live that trip all over again. My mom is genuinely one of my best friends and I feel very lucky to know her. My favorite part of that trip was going to the spa, getting massages and laying by the pool all day ordering food and drinks.

NOVEMBER

At the top of the month, we traveled to Fredericksburg for my cousins birthday. The lodging we booked was dreamy and nature filled. This trip accommodated Phoenix well and he was entertained the entire time. There was wildlife and fresh air at our disposal. Later in the month we spent a family weekend in Austin just a couple days after Thanksgiving which was refreshing and much needed. Spending time with my brother and his wife was a real treat. Austin is one of those cities that anyone could enjoy because there’s so much to see and do.

DECEMBER

December became very dark for me in many ways. I became very sick and weak. Just a week before Christmas I had to move pretty abruptly. I struggled and I couldn’t understand why life was coming at me so hard after several months of blessings. It had been a long time since I faced that level of hardships one after another. It felt like every time I turned around there was a new problem. Ultimately, moving ended up being the most beautiful change of the year. We were in our new place just in time to get set up for Christmas and use the holidays to get settled. I was proud of my pivots and the way I listened to my intuition.

2024 started off low and then crept up in the summer and then dropped down low again at the end. In 2025, I will try to be a little more grounded and have more consistency in my flow. I also hope you have the year your mind and spirit needs! Happy New Year!

40 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DIRECTLY IMPACT YOUR BLACK COMMUNITY REGARDLESS OF WHO IS IN OFFICE:

-Politely greet people who look like you in passing

-Be educated and vigilant with your sexual/reproductive health 

-Give as much as you take 

-Rest

-Understand and refine your coping mechanisms

-Study and apply conflict resolution skills

-Stop speaking negatively about the opposite sex, (work to combat the “gender war”) 

-Work on congratulating and genuinely being happy for people who look like you (exercise the elimination of jealousy and recognize that when one of us wins we all win) *The biggest way to absolve this behavior is to say something positive to people the instant you begin to feel envy*

-Volunteer at a shelter of your choosing for the holidays (or anytime)

-Clean your closet out and give things you don't want/need to local women's shelter 

-Carpool or rideshare with someone who does not have a car/ubers everywhere or uses public transportation everyday. 

-If it comes natural to you: pursue any career that exerts influence on us: nurse, doctor, doula, therapist, educator, police officer, judge, lawyer, social worker, construction worker + many more

-Allow yourself to laugh and receive love from people who look like you 

-Educate yourself about illness and diseases that run in your family and then create a wellness plan for yourself (stick to it)

-Be mindful about how you conduct yourself in public because we represent each other

-Raise happy and respectful children who are/will be the *future*

-Be mindful of your eating habits and try to drink at least one glass of water a day 

-Ask the educators of your children if they need any additional supplies to be more comfortable and successful in the classroom (or just purchase supplies or snacks and drop them off) 

-Be active in your child's educational journey

-Work on not being as judgemental as you have been 

-Call and check on people you say you care about 

-Be honest, transparent and genuine with people in conversation 

-Make an effort to make better decisions than your parents did 

-Be intentional about exposing your children to joyful experiences 

-Invite someone to take a walk with you once a week or just go by yourself (decrease weariness and debility)

-Offer to babysit for a parent you know or spend time with a mom and her children

-Read books so that you can have conversations of substance with others

-Invest in one child you know (mental,emotional,financial investments)

-Find a foundation you feel aligned with and donate any amount to them once a year 

-Mind your business 

-Speak up when you see someone being disrespected (especially if they’re visibly vulnerable)

-Pray for people regularly (including yourself)

-Support the businesses, projects and ventures of your peers 

-Learn more about financial literacy and ways to grow in this area 

-Dedicate yourself to exercise at any level 

-Call into work when you feel like it!

-Do not abuse substances when your back is against the wall 

-Invest in your community to begin to combat gentrification 

-Share important information with others 

-Prioritize your mental health 

DESIRE FOR NEWNESS

As Q4 comes to an end I feel the need to welcome more originality to my life. I’m an individual of habit who enjoys a mundane system throughout the week - and I’m looking to change that this season. I find it interesting how the culmination of many tiny details make up who you are. Your personality, beliefs, interests and desires are influenced by life’s features. Many of my favorite things have been my favorites for so long that it seems like I’ve fully ingested whatever this “phase” is. Many of my short term goals have been accomplished and it’s time to be open and receive. I am allowing myself to enjoy where I am but also welcoming change that stimulates. This is also an interesting sentiment to reflect on because I consider the shifts that may benefit my son as well.

(A side note on openness and receiving: For some time, I’ve used privacy as a way to protect myself from others. People who I feel judged by or people who don’t value understanding someone at their core. While introverted-ness creates space to grow and learn - it also cuts you off from some levels of joy. Openness is tied to bravery and honesty and exposure. These are the levels of being that I hope to reach in the years to come through practice and trial.) 

I get like this at the beginning or end of everything, but a new year is easily the deepest replenishment. I love a fresh month, I love a fresh school year. I enjoy a clean slate and an opportunity to explore new narratives. A place I generally begin is getting rid of what isn’t working before I incorporate added objects and ideals. This is my season of throwing away things we don’t use and questioning the worth of my habits and fixations. Simple approaches look like creating new playlists to listen to when I’m in the car. Switching the purse I’m carrying my things in or eating something outside of my primary grocery essentials. I wish I had the bravery to do things on a more permanent scale like move apartments or get a tattoo. The last HUGE change I probably experienced is getting a new dog last spring. I’m talking about things that are bold changes to your everyday life.

I was explaining to my braider that when I feel the need to shed energy, I usually take my hair down or change my hairstyle. You may wear the same set of braids for eight weeks and if you experienced a lot or traveled a lot - that hairstyle holds all the zest of your awarenesses. All the hard conversations and tears of joy or sadness. All the bodily fluctuations and mental animations are held in that hair or hairstyle. As soon as you take it down and switch to something else - a new version of yourself is born. I love the power of newness and the propelling into undiscovered layers of self. It’s like changing the furniture around in your room to evoke an enchanted revival.

This approach to thoughtfulness feels less about goals and more about mortal quality. It feels like spending time thoughtfully. Purchasing thoughtfully. Eating thoughtfully and a behaving thoughtfully. I hope this time of year is bringing you so much fruit. I really am becoming a more grateful person. Realizing my blessings and not taking them for granted is a huge lesson in my life right now.

C. xx

CONTROLLING MY INNER DIALOGUE

West Palm Beach, FL / October 2023

An unfortunate thing about existing as a hyper aware human is the never ending brain whispers about life and it’s complexities. As I mature, I understand more the thin line between ambition and development obsession. I tend to be more on the compulsive side and I am actively trying to tone down my cognitive ventures. The issue with too much inner dialogue is that it prevents you from being present and it also leaks joy out of amazing moments. In my chase to ultimate comfort and what some may call perfection - I go into reflective spaces looking for solutions to what I see as problems. I get pensive about my future and ways to get closer to my desires. Knowing that my brain is my most powerful tool, I understand how over-analyzation effects the way I process all things - whether significant or minor.

Once you learn how to conquer your mind, you can be more at peace. Avoiding hyper stimulating situations isn’t enough so I am finding ways to nurture cerebral balance. Introspection works well for me in moments that require high concept generation, but it’s hard to turn it off. Some ways I work to combat my own intellect is incorporating more music into my day - so that I’m not veering off and thinking about being more constructive. An exercise that I’m implementing is accepting imperfections and letting them sit for long periods of time. For instance, if my floors need to be cleaned or if I wasn’t able to complete a task - I just leave it there for awhile. The truth is that whether I fix it now or 10 hours later - it’s all the same. Nothing really matters. That’s what I learned when I began to just leave everything exactly where it is.

I’ve been able to apply that same theory to bigger ideas in my life. Something will always fall short. Every glitch does not require immediate attention. There is no way to constantly keep everything floating in the air all the time. Letting shit hit the ground and not caring is the answer, sometimes. I aim to be more easygoing and let go of things that CAN be controlled. I often hear about “letting go of the things you can’t control” but I think its valuable to let go of some of the things you can control as well. There is so much that can be governed. Right now, I am working on loosening my grip and letting things flow. Understanding what needs thoughtful approach and what does not. Life does not always have to be a jigsaw puzzle, it’s okay to just live.

Self-improvement is beautiful and prohibits stagnancy. However, I want to enjoy myself without critique. Yes, this is a post of me thinking about how to think less. I’ve been seeing funny posts about being the “first daughter” and the personality that comes with that. It’s so true! I am a first and only daughter. I’ve always been Type A. I hope to see more of my easy going side. I also hope to come in contact with the things and people in life that awaken a more carefree version of me.

PRESERVE BLACK RECREATION CENTERS

I recently conducted an interview and essay alongside The Oklahoma Cowboys discussing how rec centers are beloved spaces in urban areas. As an educator at an urban inner city school, I realize the necessity for FREE safe grounds that can be occupied by youth. We felt called to share the story of the adored “Minnis Lakeview” and the complications the community has faced. Continue ahead to learn more about shifts that the Far East side will implement in the following months.

MASTERS DEGREE REFLECTIONS

For the last year and a half - school has been a major part of my life in conjunction with my habitual obligations. My mental output has gone from two hundred percent to seventy five percent in a tiny window of time! It’s been amusing to sit and relax for more than half an hour without experiencing the guilt of needing to do something. Sometimes I’ll just sit down and drink a glass of water or gaze around my room and think, “Wow! This is what regular life feels like.” This level of stillness feels larger than me. I recently realized that I’ve been in subconscious contemplation about what should take up this empty space. Consciously, I’m in a tranquil state and excelling at my routine with more intention than before. Doing ordinary things without rushing is harmonious in ways I look forward to further experiencing.

The distress that grad school inflicts onto your life is inconceivable. There’s always a deadline lurking around the corner. There’s always an assignment waiting for you after the one you just completed. Waiting for a grade and checking for it everyday feels like you’re holding your breath. There were many discussion posts and essays I typed drowsily after a long work day. I look back on memories of my son climbing into my desk chair asking me to make him a bowl of cereal. Now that it’s over - I truly have no idea how I did it. I am amazed at my ability to operate at such high levels of multitasking to get this done. Being in grad school, while being a high school teacher, while also mothering a first grader has been the most strenuous chapter of my entire adult life. I would even go as far to compare it to the same level of sleep deprivation I had when my son was born. Doing one thing at a time is my idea of luxury.

I will say that I grew a lot in this span of time. I complain less and look to solutions and completion first. My time management is superb. I only do things that I really love with my free time. One thing I told myself when I started was that I would still make an effort to travel and do things I love while being in school - and I did. I took my computer everywhere. I was at the airport doing work. At work doing work. At my mom’s house doing work. My time in school is not just a grey hazy patch. It’s a point of time where I was persistent in both exploration and concentration. I hold many beautiful memories from this chapter which shows me how balanced I can be.

I have been writing a lot and it feels good to return to my first love. I always say that when you’re a writer - you have to go away for some time and experience new things. I have more to share than I did two years ago. I look forward to the ways that my creativity externalizes itself. My brain is more efficient and my heart feels clear and satisfied. Teaching is more enjoyable because I am more knowledgable. Life is more enjoyable because I am more knowledgable. If you are considering going back to school and attempting a higher education - I would encourage you to choose something you really care about. In my most difficult and confronting times, my personal/professional desires are what propelled me forward.

AN HONEST 50 QUESTION INTERVIEW WITH MY GRANDMOTHER

What is your name and age?

Joyce Watson Brown and I am 83

How many children did you birth?

Seven (Four Daughters, Three Sons)

What year were you born?

1941 – a lifetime ago.

How many grandchildren do you have?

(12) Tasha, Joshua, Jeremey, Kortne, Jacob, Chloe`, Two, Milan, Sadie, Myhaa, Yulasha, Bryce <3

How many great-grandchildren do you have?

(10) Jayden, Jordan, Josh, Baylor, Brooklyn, Camari, Kylie, Kannon, Phoenix, Sara’Myhaa

In the photos I’m sharing with this interview – you are surrounded by your grandchildren of various ages. You appear to be genuinely filled with contentment. What are your thoughts on the implication that children are “stressful”? How did you source joy amid your responsibilities as a mother/grandmother?

I missed out on raising my three eldest children. I swore that the rest of them I would enjoy – nurture them and be happy with them. As long as they obey.

Another thing to note about the images is that all the children look happy. Happy black children is one of the most beautiful things to me. Their laughter and the visual aspect of them seeming comfortable feels warm. What is the key to the satisfaction of children?

Loving them. Showing love. Nobody can have enough love. There’s no such thing as too much love! I made sure that I held them and kissed them and put them on my lap. Even though I knew my parents loved me I didn’t come from a house where love was demonstrated.

What is something you inherited from your mother that you see in yourself, your daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters?

All of them are loving human beings.

How does it feel to have created all the people who surround you in one room?

I am grateful. I’m thankful and I’m proud. I have a love for y’all that is beyond your comprehension. Maybe one day you’ll understand when you’re a grandmother.

I have watched you read and write. There have always been stacks of novels on your nightstands. Lists on the back of mail and receipts. You’ve written me beautiful birthday letters. I’d watch you complete crosswords in the newspaper growing up. Explain your relationship with literature and script.

Reading opens whole new worlds to you. Reading combats loneliness. Reading helps if you’re stressed. I must have lists and keep up with what’s going on. If you’re talking to someone in your family – when they mention something you want to remember you can reference it later if you write it down. It’s a way for me to keep up and express myself.

Did you have siblings?

Two older brothers. Two younger brothers. I had two sisters when I was a teenager, getting ready to leave home almost.

What is your grandmother’s name? What did you call her ...? How was she?

My grandmother’s name was Edna Mae Varner. She was .. really ahead of her time. She left Louisiana when my mother and her sister were teenagers. Why she left her husband behind I don’t know. But she moved to San Diego with her two girls. I called her Granny.

What city and state were you born in?

I was born and raised in Houston Texas.

How would you describe your ethnicity? You have the fairest skin of us all.

My grandmother was white passing. She may have been mixed. It’s something that wasn’t discussed. Back when I was a child, you didn’t discuss those kinds of things. We weren’t allowed to ask questions. I wasn’t granted that privilege. Your generation is very lucky to be able to ask questions.

What is your fondest memory?

The earliest memory I have .. is .. I loved Christmas. I thought tire tracks on the driveway was from Santa’s sleigh. My two older brothers – those dirty dogs they said “That ain’t no sleigh. That’s tire tracks!” They showed me the presents in the closet. They were ruthless! Even then – I was very kind. My parents had no idea that I knew there wasn’t a Santa.

Is Christmas your favorite holiday?

My birthday is my favorite holiday! That’s how self-consumed I am (laughs) !! Christmas has evolved for me. When my children were young, I enjoyed buying them things and seeing them open it. Now Christmas is different. My great and grandkids’ parents buy them everything! They don’t wait until Christmas to get what they want. It’s Christmas every time they open their eyes.

What three words would you use to describe your mother?

Strict, Good Cook, she loved dressing me up – buying me clothes and taking me to shop.

and same for your father?

Kind, Quiet, I was the apple of my daddy’s eye (loving warm tone).

What did you aspire to become as a little girl. Who were you influenced by?

I never had any notion of what I wanted to be. All I knew is I just wanted to be grown. My sense of independence came from my grandmother. I admired her for striking out on her own. My mother was a stay-at-home mom. She never had a job a day in her life. Women with children going out working was frowned upon. My mother is from Louisiana and my father was from East Texas. In that era, that reflected a man. If you weren’t a professional ... a nurse or a teacher or some other professional type of woman – you stayed home.

You were/are a very stylish person. What are three pieces of clothing that were most valuable to you throughout your life? What were your favorite brands throughout life? What textures called to you? My love for gold, leather and denim come from you.

Yes. I love all three. I wasn’t confined to brands. My eyes told me. I guess it was within me. Even before I could afford nice things – I recognized nice things. I knew a leather purse from a pleather purse. I would save until I could get a nice pair of shoes. I’d get pairs that could serve many different occasions. I had a fondness for sling backs. Sling backs was my thang. I was a hope to die dresser. I had some green snakeskin boots from Neiman’s – they were showstoppers. I love color.

There are a lot of words I could use to describe you. Independent is one of them. How did you master the art of providing and making it look graceful in the process?

Necessity. As I got more education... my job was a sense of pride. I had a great sense of pride when I went to nursing school. Because I knew I could be financially independent and that put a new step in my walk.

A piece of advice you’ve given me that I return to often is... “never respond or react to something too soon.” Where does this derive from?

Past experiences where I spoke when I should have kept my mouth closed. Let some things be a surprise! If you talk ahead of whatever action you’re planning – people can plan around you. It’s like that saying, “Never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.”

Regarding love and romance – what advice would you give to your 20- or 30-year-old self?

Love yourself. That entails: if you learn to love yourself, you don’t need anybody else to validate you. I’d also say love should not depend on looks.

What are qualities you would go back and tell yourself to look for in a partner if you could (in retrospect)?

You look for sincerity, someone who compliments you and if they contrast you – then make sure it’s in a harmonious way. Remember, everybody is not lucky enough to have a lasting love.

What is the best thing about men and what are the worst things about men?

The best thing about men is their ability to make you feel cared for. On so many different levels. The worst thing about men is the men that don’t want to be fathers but are fathers. When they don’t accept that role and carry it through as they should.

What are your thoughts on hoe phases? Do you know what a hoe phase is? Explain your views on sex

I had one of those seasons and I enjoyed it!! (we laughed hysterically). I loved doing just what I wanted to do. Everybody wont admit that (another deep laugh). People want to pretend that they’re so pure. My thing was – if the men can do it – I can too!

What do you have to say about the stigma and negativity of being a single mother? A “baby mama” as people call it.

I never felt any stigma. I never was ashamed that I had children and didn’t have a husband. I was proud of all my children and loved my children. I see now that some of it was foolishness (laughs). My kids had more than some of the kids who had both parents living with them. They had more and they did more. You must have a certain mindset… It was never a concern to me. I had a rough time in parts of my life... But - I really didn’t give a fuck about that. That was the least of my worries.

What is a piece of advice you would give to a single mother?

At all costs. Get you some education or some training so you can get a job that can take care of you and your little family. In a style that regular people do. You can’t buy them a father, but you can give them nice clothes, nice education. So that they can live their life in comfort... Just because they don’t have a father in the house doesn’t mean they have to go around eating inferior food. I always wanted my children to have the very best that I could give them. Don’t live your life with regrets. If you’re so inclined – keep the door open for a good man if that’s what you’re interested in. Don’t say no to love.

“Whether you’re with Sunny or not have something of your own.” This was my sister-in-law telling me something about her brother. That’s women looking after women.

I remember The Isley Brothers and Johnny Taylor playing often. Music and the large speakers along the wall of the living room – music felt like an integral part of my upbringing in your house. If you can – could you share your 3 favorite songs of all time?

Johnny Taylor (loving tone) everything he opens his mouth to sing! The Isleys – Summer Breeze was my favorite. That was romance because Jasmines are one of my favorite flowers. I used to have them growing outside of my bedroom windows. In Louisiana they’d have Jasmine’s growing outside their homes. We’d sit on the porch...(nostalgic warm tone). Groove With You and Who’s That Lady. That was how you clean the house. Johnny Taylor “Just Because” .. “Last Two Dollars”.. “Disco Lady”… “You’re Getting Careless With Our Love”.

What is the key difference between having a son and a daughter?

Daughters are a source of comfort. Daughters, you want them to have the very best out of life. You want to be financially independent. You want them to be wise in picking a mate and be well groomed. Enjoying nice things and enjoying wearing beautiful clothes and accessories. A boy is so many things. A boy is that one something that can make you feel more special than any girl every could. I sound facetious but that’s the truth. Boys.. men.. that’s what everybody’s interested in!

What are your views on marriage? Have you ever been married?

I’ve been married several times. If you get somebody – it doesn’t have to be a burning love. If you find somebody you can get along with and communicate with. If you can be respectful of each other .. you’ll be fine. But if there’s some kind of strife. It’s not worth it. If you’re not evenly yoked. There’s no point.

You’re an amazing cook – and an amazing baker. Where did your love for cooking come from? What dish do you make best? Who taught you to make tea and why was this a staple over Kool Aid like some black households?

As I grew to understand the nuance of Kool-Aid I couldn’t do it anymore. At home we only had iced tea in the summertime. It was one of the most refreshing drinks! Over the years, I’ve perfected it. With cooking – as time evolves and you continue to cook, you change the way you make things. My best dish is beef roast with potatoes and carrots. My love for cooking came from me liking to eat. I’m greedy and I like food that tastes good. My mother was an excellent cook.

Why is Crown Royal your favorite spirit to drink?

It is smooth. The smoothest whiskey I have tasted. When I was younger, I would go out, I’d drink Cutty Sark because I thought it “impressed” people. I like crown though because of the smoothness. Crown Reserve is really mellow – no bite to it. I don’t like drinks that are real sugary. That’s why I like crown and seven.

Do you have any regrets that you feel comfortable sharing? How would you rectify those regrets if you could?

The only regret I have is getting pregnant so young. I was sixteen. Other than that – I don’t have any regrets. I love the life I lived. I just truly enjoyed myself. I embraced life with both arms.

What advice can you share about health and its connection to a prosperous life?

Never smoke. Never take up the habit of smoking. Cigarettes are detrimental to your health. Drink in moderation. Eat in moderation. Have a healthy diet. If you make a habit and a lifestyle of health you don’t have to fall behind.

What are your favorite memories of being in love?

I think my favorite memory mostly was falling in love rather than being in love. It’s an exhilarating feeling. It seems like anything is possible. You just imagine yourself being happy and sustaining this feeling. And then you wake up to reality (we laughed together)

What were your terms and conditions on the acceptance of love and trust of a man to help you?

I would accept help but if you began to act like you owned me. (smacks lips) “You and your money can go.” I accepted help because I needed it. It all goes back to education. It’s much easier to love when you can take care of yourself.

Who was the easiest child for you to raise? Who was the most difficult?

Kim was my easiest child to raise. Karen was my most difficult. Well …let me think. When all is said and done yes. Kim was the easiest and Karen was the hardest.

What are your dreams like in your eighties?

I have the strangest dream. And frequently. I don’t know where I’m coming from. But in this dream, I always get lost. I’m walking down the street – it seems familiar and then suddenly its not familiar anymore. I’m in a maze trying to figure out where to go. I haven’t had it in a long time – but that was my dream for a while. It was in a business-like place. Maybe the medical center. Or downtown. We shopped downtown when I was a kid. This was before they had malls. In the dream, I’m always in a business like place. I always get lost. (At this time I googled dream symbols for her and read a few that may help her analyze her reoccurring dream).

What are some of the major changes that you find peculiar or interesting as you’ve witnessed life from the 70s to now – 2024.

Technology. I consider myself a smart person but I have not been able to master technology.

What is your favorite thing about being a black woman?

I think my hair. Its just the truth! (We laughed together)

How did your poorest days compare to your richest days?

I appreciated and treasured more in my poorer days. Once you can have everything you want, it doesn’t hold the thrill.

What financial advice can you offer?

Save. Learn to save. Don’t shop so much and get you some good insurance and save. Really honestly. Get you some good insurance. You’ll need it later.

What are some character flaws you wished you could have addressed sooner?

My fondness for profanity (cracks herself up). My love of unhealthy food. Get the insurance with the duck! It does everything. (I have no idea what the insurance with the duck is but she was adamant about that so I’m keeping it in the interview.)

You instilled confidence in all of us. What are your thoughts on the anatomy of a woman and ways it should be appreciated.

Be thankful for whatever it is that you have. Because beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Some men don’t want a tall or short woman. Some men like curvy women. Somebody is going to love what you got! BUT when all of that fades away .. you still gotta love yourself.

What was I like as a little girl from what you can remember? Use three words to describe age 3 to 10 Chloe`?

Hair Hair Hair. More darn hair. SASSY!!!! (she tells a story about how it took multiple people to comb my hair in one sitting)

What three words would you use to describe me now?

Confident .. Intelligent and a GOOD MOTHER.

What makes a “good life”?

Being surrounded by a loving family.

What did you love about being a nurse?

I enjoyed being a pediatric nurse more than any nursing I did. Because I felt like I was making a difference in somebody’s life.

Do you fear death?

No, I do not fear death (undoubting tone). Because I have an abiding faith in God. We all need to have something we believe in. I would rather have lived my life believing in God and finding out there isn’t one than not. Its important to have something you can believe in.

MY MAMA'S MAMA

My granny is someone who I see as my reflection in many ways. My decision to interview her comes from understanding the importance of preserving her unique contribution to the physical realm. I’ve watched her very closely since I was a little girl and now (as a woman) I am still blown away by her existence. Everyone loves their grandmother – but mine is just different. She’s badass. My granny is an extremely intelligent, unapologetic and resourceful woman. When I think of her, I think of someone who is indestructible. She reminds me of a blazing fire that takes the services to distinguish and births fear into the neighbors of the land. I know that my ferocity comes from her.

My grandmother has a way of turning tragedy into a miracle with poise and acceptance. There are so many stories I don’t know about her life and realities – yet her disposition tells all. My granny takes no shit. She was/is serious about her self-sustenance, her family, her home, her career and her pleasure. She is serious about God and living a life of quality.

 My fondest memories are taking baths in her bathroom – which felt much like a spa. She always had soaps, potions, sprays and fancy loofahs all around. Her bathroom is still this way. Her closet filled with the fanciest shoes, purses and dresses. Something I find interesting now – as an adult is the fact that she wasn’t stingy about any of these things. She shared the luxury of her life with us. Usually, kids are forbidden to play with or look at the “nice things”. My granny had an abundance of valuables, and I was allowed to inspect them all very closely. We gathered often. I can close my eyes and hear my mother cackling with her sisters as my granny had pots on the stove and a beverage in her hand. She makes everything gratifying and she gives everything life. Her abundance goes further than inanimate objects.

 My granny’s house was the headquarters for my family. I always felt safe and included. Her bedroom door was never closed, and she welcomed us sleeping with her – one of us or all of us. I had the pleasure of being raised around handfuls of cousins. We were all celebrated regardless of how old we were or what we looked like. She truly just made everything better with what seemed like minimal effort. I remember the way she considered and held space for everyone’s story and everyone’s tears. She’s an indulgent woman. She filled her own cup to the point of it running over. It always seemed like she had a lot to give everyone else and I (now) see how. I practice this same thing as I raise my son. I give myself the best – so that I can give him the best.  

Although my granny was generous and relaxed, she had high expectations. There were rules. You had to be respectful. We cleaned. We cleaned a lot. She believed in a tidy space. I remember being small enough to crawl under the coffee table with Windex and clean the bottom glass of the table. She examined after we cleaned and if she wasn’t impressed, she would promptly let us know. We were expected to play our part. She was so joyful when happy and then quickly a witch at a time of disapproval. Her range as a human astounded me then and now. My understanding of family is rich because of the conduction of her sanctuary.

 I don’t remember ever having a “grandpa” at my granny’s house. She was a black single mother and grandmother who didn’t seem to miss a beat. She worked HARD as a nurse and remains a point of contact when somebody is ill – her remedies cure. Her advice always works and saves you time in the ER. Male influences consisted of my cousins and uncles. She was loved and uplifted by the men in our family which allowed me to observe “masculine” care outside of a romantic gaze. She gained the love and respect from men who she inevitably inherited through her daughters as grandsons, son in laws, boyfriends or family friends. My granny was the type of person to take in and take care of people who were “in-between situations”. She’s one of those granny’s whose door is always open. People come stay at her house until they “get on their feet”. My granny will relieve you of shame in a situation where you were wrong and give you advice on overcoming. Her generosity is endless in that way.

She was and still is the queen. Although she is 83, she has the spirit of a 26-year-old woman. She is humorous and lively. She is unphased and ever evolving. When I read “Women Who Ran with Wolves” she is who I think of because of the way she creates her own narrative. She drank and she smoked. She danced and she laughed. She’s good at so many things and she doesn’t wait on anybody to compliment her. The confidence in the women on my mother’s side flows deeply because of her influence. I was complimented and affirmed by my cousins and aunts. There was no envy. Divine femininity was high.

She continues to show me what it looks like to be a multifaceted woman. Because of her I know that I can be soft and hardworking. I know that I can be desirable and professional. She has displayed how to balance both masculine and feminine energies. She is an open book so that we can learn from mistakes she’s made. She’s been an example of how to listen to my intuition and sort the genuine from the fraudulent. She has shown us the result of hard work which is creating the life you desire. Most importantly – she has given me a mother who is awe inspiring which drives me each day. To know that each generation should grab the baton and improve gives me the motivation to be all that I can in this lifetime.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA

After deep reflection of what feels like a lifetime - I finally have a grip on the language that vocalizes my outlook. For me, social media has always been a complex space. Mostly because I was born in an era that existed without it. In my formative years, there was a more sacred feeling around expression and personal growth. Social media is an outward channel that has challenged my reserved essence. People having common reservation in the past ( 99’s and 2000’s) held a tenderness among simple pleasures. Back then, self satisfaction was enough - where now public validation has actualized. However, I can easily see how being born into this construct makes it easier to accept and participate.

I fondly remember what it was like when we all were more unique. People were more colorful and comfortable with their quirks. This was a time when you weren’t aware of what other people were doing. You were left to produce your own entertainment and had time to develop your interests. Meeting humans was a treat because they felt genuine and accurate in their persona. Now it seems much easier to categorize people by their “titles” and whatever they wish to be categorized by. There was a time where you could just exist as whoever you were that day.

Growth for me as a pre-teen was intuitive. When I wasn’t at school I spent a lot of time writing. I would listen to songs and write down the lyrics. Then I would read the lyrics over and over until I knew the words to the songs. I found so much delight in understanding the meanings of things and being able sing along without looking at the paper. I also would get so excited to spend time with my cousins or to go to the movies with friends. Access to other people was limited, therefore relationships were valued so much more. Missing someone was a true longing because maybe they weren’t home when you called their ‘house phone’. Being outside and playing until you’re bored - and finding ways to survive boredom FORCED your natural talents to reveal themselves through exploration. NATURAL EXPLORATION. An exploration that you have to be bored to find. I feel that we just aren’t bored enough anymore. The desire to separate yourself from dullness hit so different back then. I guess I just wish people had more time to develop before they have heightened awareness of other peoples way of life. When you’re flushed with all of this “inspo” you get far away from yourself.

I find pros and cons within the realm of social media. Let’s start with some of my not so great thoughts. I think social media is a breeding grounds for mental illness. I think that it is the King of capitalism. I feel that social media resists individuality and creates a “guide” for what humans feel they should be. I think social media forces people to download high amounts of unnecessary information causing overwhelm and anxiety. I also feel that social media hosts addiction and a false sense of power. I think that social media is a distraction from all the beautiful tiny details that life offers. Social media has become the in-between of responsibilities and tasks - where the in-between used to be reflection and mental creative play. I think that social media has tampered with our flow of conversation and normal human interaction.

In the same breath, I think that social media is a place to express yourself and empower others. I feel that social media allows humans to be heard without being seen. I see how social media has created lucrative income and has freed many from poverty, emergencies and working for companies that never valued them. I love that. Another thing I appreciate about social media - is the opportunity to connect with like minded folks who may be on the other side of the world. The ability to discover new layers of the arts has been endless through content creation and the skill sharing. Social media has become a space where citizens can share the unfiltered realities of injustice which is informative and necessary.

I find it crucial to personalize your association with social media - depending on your mental capacity and level of self awareness. At this point in my life - I have a very specific treatment when it comes to social media and I want to share it for some people who may be analyzing their own attachments with social media. Here is a set of principles I follow regularly in regard to the socials:

• My biggest thing about social media is that I don’t want to be a part of the problem. I don’t want to promote capitalism. I don’t want to post only highlights of my life that could possibly make someone feel “jealous” or inferior. I don’t want to post something that may offend or trigger someone I care or used to care about. I don’t want to post information that takes up unnecessary space in someone’s subconscious. I don’t want to have a negative impact on anybody - especially if I’m posting when feeling temporary emotions. So, at this point in my life - I try to post things that are fruitful, inspiring, or simply important. I have been working very hard to not come off as hypercritical or superior to others. I genuinely feel like social media could be so much more powerful if the quality of content was elevated on all forefronts.

• One hour a day: My second biggest issue with social media is the amount of time it can take up. It is easy to scroll for long periods of time and lose track of your thought patterns. I do have certain creators who I love to keep up with and after I’ve seen their posts and a small amount of new information - its time to get off. I value my physical life and want to be present for those moments more than anything. I have an alert on the app that pops up when I’ve been active for one hour that day. As soon as it pops up - I leave it alone for the day and some days I don’t get on at all. Anytime I continue past an hour - I can feel it because I start to scroll past posts I saw a year ago OR information and themes become repetitive. Over time, my mind has grown to yearn for deeper stimulation.

• I update my followed accounts yearly & use the mute stories/posts features: Controlling what information I see when I log on is important. If all you consume is toxic/negative or triggering posts - this will generate a black hole in my brain where all this useless information lives. (The information in this hole exposes itself through my subconscious in moments where I am tired, dehydrated or sad). I make sure to go through the accounts I follow and unfollow those that produce cynical thoughts of myself, make me feel drained or uninspired. If I don’t want to unfollow someone I’ve known since 5th grade - but they post wild content - I mute them. I love the mute feature. You can love someone without subscribing to their interests and misaligned memes :( / :)

• I post when I want and not out of pressure. I used to feel like I couldn’t go a certain amount of time without posting. If I’d gone a month or so without posting I felt like I was hibernating and no longer a part of society but - it’s okay to not want to share anything. I had to learn that keeping some things to myself is actually a freedom and a way to implement personal validation. There was once a time when we learned about others through a home phone conversation and actually had to CONNECT in order to acquire knowledge about someone new.

• My likes are off. This was a game changer for me because I feel like it took the power away from the “ick” aspect of social media. Whether I get 400 likes or 78 likes on a post suddenly became irrelevant. I remember back in the day before I would post something I’d get anxious and my heart would beat fast. That seems silly to me now. I realize that this level of distress is highly unhealthy even if it exists for just a second.

• Allow yourself to be inspired by the content you consume. Now when I get on Instagram, I see so much cool stuff that my daily hour goes by fast. Seeing the art that some of my favorite creators have produced keeps me inspired. Staying up to date with events I may want to attend is also entertaining for me. Looking at the outfits that some of my favorite fashionistas have put together bring me so much joy. I love the pages I follow that inspire me to decorate my apartment better or suggest new music for me to listen to. I also love to giggle at the petty memes that those closest to me share - which accumulate and bring me actual joy.

• I would say my last one is to find entertainment in other platforms. I draw the line at IG - meaning, I don’t have Twitter or TikTok. However, I do spend a lot of time on Pinterest and Youtube or Apple Podcasts. I spend a little time on SubStack reading articles from writers/creatives I follow. Having other platforms to go to that promote a mental ambiance more aligned to my personality is crucial.

Everyone has a different opinion about social media, but the truth is that it has impact on us all. Understanding what kind of impact it has on you is a responsibility. I also consider my sensitivity toward social media as a high school teacher. Watching my students mental/emotional growth in parallel with social media is sometimes disheartening. I also know that some of my sensitivity comes from being in my thirties and having over a decade of life without social media and understanding how simple things once were. I remember when my friends and I would write letters and pass them in between classes. I just don’t want the art of being a human to be watered down by electronics and mass media.

What is your relationship like with social media?

SINGLE LIFE = *INCUBATION* PERIOD

If I could have a meeting with women in today’s time, one thing I would address is how sanctified single existence is. I can’t grasp why being single is portrayed as such a dreary life characteristic in social constructs. A moment in your life where you get the opportunity to evolve in peace is a transformative time. Do you know how difficult it is to self revive when you’re considering someone else’s time, well-being and feelings? It’s a challenge to choose yourself consistently when you’re waking up to someone else in your bed everyday. When you are in a phase where your life is not connected to someone else - this is a sacred time that will pass like lightening when you’re in a relationship again!

I can see how someone who has never experienced love in adulthood could long for connection - but if you have felt the delights of commitment and affection - understand that there’s value in solitary living. This is the time to evaluate the events of your last relationship and study the ways you could improve as a human. Allow this time to be preparation for your next connection - which could be your best one yet. Imagine that your next partner is the last person you’ll ever date. Are you able to show up for them (graciously) today? Have you developed the proper belief systems? I worry that seasons have lost their virtue because we’re being forced to identical lives. We can’t all be in blissful love at the exact same time. Maybe the love of your life is in a relationship right now learning a lesson that they won’t have to learn with you.

Be Love

There is so much work to do as an individual that it is never ending. I believe that you attract love by being love. Love yourself so that when you do meet someone, you are an accurate reflection of the person you portray yourself as. Read and learn so that you can contribute to a conversation and keep your partner engaged. Work on your health and your wealth - get your finances and gut in order. Study your tone and the ways you interact with others. Are you the most considerate version of yourself? Figure out what you love to do so that when you meet the right person - they can do it with you. Do not wait until you find the love of your life to be whole. It is important to arrive to new relationships as the best version of yourself. Create the opportunity for the ultimate comfort by addressing all of your insecurities ahead of time. It is easier to work on your physical appearance, debt, and emotional intelligence when you’re single than it is when you’re in a relationship. Singleness invites an honesty and privacy that is essential to growth.

Get a “Lil Friend” or Two

Just because you’re single does not mean you can’t date. I think a big mistake that people make when they’re single is become TOO single and completely stop exercising their love muscles. There is no specific amount of time that you should be single, because everyone has unique situations. Be open to welcoming “friends” that you’re attracted to while preparing for the responsibility of a relationship. The purpose of these “friendships” is to keep you engaged and in the practice of human interest. Flirting, smiling, laughter and intimacy do not have to cease because you aren’t engaged or married. You can still enjoy loving experiences without being in love. As long as you are honest and compassionate in your movements, this should bring value to your life. Dating people keeps you sharp and close to the feelings aligned with romance. I don’t want this to be confused with situationships and low vibrational attachments - but more of a high value friendship that includes occasional quality time and a collective understanding.

Deserting yourself from the energy of the opposite sex will either over excite you to the point of fastening yourself to the wrong person (out of lack or desperation) or give you culture shock when a great candidate begins to pursue you. This stage is like receiving a single rose that an admirer picked as they were walking to your house versus a dozen roses from your dearest partner. This stage is a delicious lunch at a cafe with perfect natural lighting as opposed to a serious candlelit dinner. This is the quiz and not the test. This is the gentle rain - not the thunderstorm. The key to this is allowing it to be fun without projecting your ultimate goal on every person you meet of the opposite sex. You shouldn’t be spending so much time with this person that it feels wasted if you never graduate to something more serious. This person is a hug before an eternal embrace. Allow yourself to make friends with the opposite sex and enjoy the natural dance. Low toned romance gives you the opportunity to explore what qualities you need in the ideal companion.

Don’t let the fear of being alone forever sucker you into thinking you aren’t worthy of love. This is a difficult social romantic climate for adults as we are at the intersection of many new realities. We’re experiencing huge shifts combined with media influencing. We are digging up hundreds of years of trauma for the betterment of ourselves and our children. I cringe at this panic driven negative cluster of emotions being forced upon us. I deeply frown at the narrative being pushed about love and romance right now because it isn’t true. There are people out there just like you who are looking for something real and are not subscribing to the (men against women) war on socials. This is the time to stay focused and stick to the ideals of love that you know exist. Stick to how you felt about love before the world told you how to feel about it.

Chloe`

HUGGING 2023 GOODBYE & WELCOMING 2024

2023 was such a quiet year for me. I didn’t have much to say – but I did feel a lot. I was at a point where movement took more of a precedence than anything else. Action felt necessary. Going inward and pairing that with initiative was the catalyst to most of my personal evolution.

 Whatever the *thing* was – I just did it. I had high expectations for my year and what feelings I wanted to evoke within my life. I wanted 2023 to feel gracious and compelling. This was the year that I was even more “selfish” than the last. Finally, I’d arrived at the actuality that choosing and prioritizing yourself is the key to the ultimate ascension. I know that it is cliché and obnoxiously recycled but it’s true. When you tune out everything but your own desires – your life is given the permission to shape itself to a truth that is custom for you.

 A big pill I had to swallow was being okay with less communication with others. I had to be okay with very low activity on social media and completely withdrawing from what did not make sense. If you agree to things out of alignment with your masterplan – then you also will be out of alignment. I took a lot of days off work in 2023, more than ever. I did little creative work – focusing more on input than output.

 January was the start of grad school. I remember applying and being afraid that I may not be able to start or that something would go wrong with processing. I wanted to start school so badly and it had been a long time since I cared about something so much. I could not stay calm until I knew I was accepted. I felt grateful once classes started and (honestly) receiving education as an adult is completely different than undergrad. I visited home a lot and began to accept that it would be a year of travel due to me not feeling rooted in Dallas.

 February was one of the best months in 2023. I started the month in New York, and it was everything I needed. It was extremely cold on this visit, but it heightened dramatics in the most beautiful way. The Brooklyn Museum was packed with gorgeous black folks singing, dancing, and enjoying art. I was in the best company and felt so alive the entire trip. February is also the month my mother gifted me with my first designer bag as an early birthday present. It felt like a rite of passage – a big moment in girlhood. It was much deeper than designer or me carrying around a purse that is double my rent. It’s about acknowledging that I deserve something lavish and what some may call unnecessary. It was about being sparked with the idea of making more money so that I can have more lavish things. It felt like an upgrade – which slowly forced me to upgrade my entire wardrobe. I can truly say that style wise – I completely leveled up in 2023. I upgraded my self-care practices. I was trying new hairstyles that I would never attempt in the past. I upgraded my perspective and decisions. February felt like a month-long birthday. This was one of the most special birthdays I’d had in a long time – being home with family was the best decision.

 March was all about my son. At the beginning of the month, we went to Monster Jam which was a huge thing for him. Boys are so fun, and I enjoy spending time doing things that he finds exciting. March is also the month of spring break, so we went from zoo dates to aquarium dates to farm visits and the soul circus. This was a very active and expensive part of the year that felt full of joy and family. I ended the month modeling in a shoot, and it had been a long time since I was behind a lens. Although I was nervous – I used this shoot to get comfortable with myself again. This shoot forced me to see myself and all my features. This shoot addressed insecurities and taught me the lesson of self-acceptance. Each time I received a new edit from the photographer was a new time I had to address how I really felt about my appearance.

 April was the beginning of another large leap forward as the fourth month of the year. I thought that I had already seen so much – but the year was just getting started. April began with Oklahoma Cowboys interviews in OKC. I love visiting Oklahoma City because it reminds me of a very comfortable, charmed, intimate chapter of my life. This is where I became a mother and grew so much as a woman. Going back to Oklahoma, taking my son with me and being able to write and creatively work was very rewarding. I felt very supported as a working mother by everyone around me and that was sweet.

 I took off to upstate NY at the top of April for the first time and I was not the same when I returned. My love for art spiked heavily in 2023 because I saw and was surrounded by beautiful work and artists. Visiting Dia Beacon was me living out my Pinterest dreams and just truly wowing myself and my life. Traveling for important reasons is cool, but traveling for no reason is top tier. Again – this all goes back to the purse and me relishing in what seems unnecessary yet so IS.

 By April I truly believed I could do what I wanted to do with my life. In April we got a dog - which was exactly what Phoenix and I needed. Our dog Kofi balances us out so well! As if April wasn’t hectic enough, at the end of the month I took a girl’s trip to Los Angeles. This trip reintroduced me to sisterhood and all the sweet feelings that come with being around girls. I think my friend Ashleigh and I had more fun than we anticipated – I felt very young! I saw more art and dwelled in the amazing weather. April 2023 has a special place in my heart.

 At the end of April, I got into a bad car wreck. I was traumatized because it was the worst wreck I had ever been in and the other party fled the scene on foot. I was on my way to pick up my son from school. I was left there with no information from the hit and runner, and it was a huge rain cloud over four months of literal bliss. I FOR SURE suffered PTSD from that wreck. For months after that I had developed a fear of driving and the inability to trust strangers on the road. I will say that I had a support system who quickly picked me up before I hit the ground – but it was a CLOSE CALL. There was no time to be sad because before the month was up my little brother would be proposing to his fiancé. I was blessed to have such treasured moments be followed by what felt like tragedy.

 By May I was waving goodbye to the set of seniors I taught when they were in ninth grade. To watch a group of children, transform from age 14 to 18 is magical. Being a high school teacher addresses a lot of high school trauma of my own. I am happy for the opportunity to go back and heal those parts of myself. That age bracket is SO important and fragile. I love being a high school teacher because I feel like I can make things easier for my kids and I know I did that. It was so hard to say goodbye to those seniors and accept that I may never see them again. May was also the month my son graduated Kindergarten which was a huge milestone. May gave me the opportunity to see fruit of long planted seeds and it was also the beginning of the summer I needed so badly to regroup.

 June and July were grounding months. I went to hot yoga so much. I swam a lot at my mother’s house. I was soaking up the Texas sun and eating a lot of fruit. Health was the priority for me. I had a lot of time to myself, but I also spent a lot of time with family as it seems everyone has summer birthdays. My son turned six and we celebrated him in Galveston. I was happy about the way his party turned out and I felt that I had “redeemed” myself from his very chill fifth birthday. I visited Miami in July. It was an eye-opening trip for me. I remember being happy with how my body looked and felt because of all the work I had put in. I believe I was still fragile from the wreck and releasing a pessimistic attitude about life and how scary it can be. I was still trucking along in grad school – which is what kept me focused much of the year. At the end of July, I took a much-needed trip home, and this is where the idea of me moving back really began to creep into my plans more than ever before.

 August always feels like a new year to me because it marks the beginning of a new school year. One thing about me is – I love a fresh start. I was excited to teach. I was excited to start new grad classes. I was excited to put more effort into my classroom and August was rich with opportunities. Before school began, I had a sweet lake day with my family on a pontoon and I can’t wait to relive that this coming summer. August put me back in a routine and by September I was back in my bag!!

 September I shopped a lot for fall and winter wardrobe pieces. September was the month of the Beyonce concert which was iconic and a huge 2023 highlight. I went to the concert with my mom. Not only did we go to the concert, but we made a girls’ weekend of it. We went out together and met up with friends – we ate delicious dinners and stayed in the most beautiful hotel. My relationship with my mom is one that I cherish deeply. I can do anything with my mom and she’s one of my favorite humans. She is an inspiration and we have so much in common. Even if my mom wasn’t “my mom” I would still be her friend and spend a lot of time with her.

 October was cheerful! We love spooky season over here! My mom hosted a party for the children in my family at her house called the “Fall – fall through”. Little events like these bring me joy because my son gets so excited to be around his cousins. My mom was super festive when I was a child, so to see her recycle the joy with my son is beautiful.

I took my first out of country trip to Costa Rica at the end of October and it’s one of the most gorgeous places I’d ever been. My college best friend and I booked this trip spontaneously and it couldn’t have been a better decision. This trip allowed me to explore and look at life from a different angle. The lands of Costa Rica felt spiritual and healing. Eating fresh foods and having access to waterfalls and animals brought me back to source. The on and off rain lack of control reset my perspective and made me respect the earth more. I can’t wait to return.

 November I took off to Denver, Colorado for my sister in laws bridal shower. Being in Colorado with them was exposure to so much feminine energy. I’ve never been someone who had a big group of friends that all hang together and had a lot in common. Being around my sister-in-law and her friends really made me analyze my own relationship with women and the ways that has evolved for me throughout my life. This was my first (or second) time meeting many of them and they were sweet. Although I was an outsider looking in – it was beautiful to witness women being so loving and supportive toward each other. We had a lot of fun and I got to know her on a more intimate level. Colorado was so cold but refreshing at the same time.

 November continued to have a hustle bustle theme as we inched closer to the wedding. As a bridesmaid – my life was dedicated to this wedding and all the events floating around it. To see my brother happy and beginning a new chapter in his life was surreal.

 Thanksgiving was chill and peaceful. I did cook a full meal, but we did not have a turkey. I made all of Phoenix and I’s favorites. We stayed home and relaxed. We spent the evening putting up the Christmas tree which I think is a new tradition for us.

 December 1st, I witnessed my brother marry the love of his life. The wedding was beautiful. Phoenix was the ring bearer and watching him walk down the aisle at my brother’s wedding was insane. Phoenix reminds me so much of my brother in many ways. To see our families merge brought me excitement which was the theme for most of the year.

 All I really wanted to do was focus on rest and Christmas after the wedding. At a hair appointment, I realized how much my hair had grown in 2023. One of my goals for the year was to grow my hair at least two inches. I put a lot of effort into décor and building excitement around the holidays for my son. One of his requests was to have his bedroom walls painted red. My mom came down and helped me with a full room revamp for him. We had an amazing Christmas. After Christmas I spent a week in Houston to be with family and that was the perfect ending to my year.

 2024 has a slow start and I’m okay with that. I am pretty occupied with school, parenting, writing work and teaching. My basic responsibilities are keeping me so busy.

 Some goals I have set for myself in 2024 are:  

·      Being a more fun mom: When Phoenix looks back on what type of parent I was in his younger years, I’d like for him to remember all the fun we had together.

·      Prioritizing educational practices: In my household, I’d like to incorporate more opportunities for leisure learning. In a dream world, I’d be homeschooling my son and teaching him all the things I feel like he should know. The truth is that I still can teach him what I want him to know outside of school, so I’ll be giving that a shot!

·      I added “write more” to my list: (at the end of last year) and I can’t imagine writing more than I am right now. My writing career has never been this busy in my life. A new and unexpected spark began to ignite toward the end of last year and I’m grateful for it because motivation is not guaranteed as a writer. Writing spells are inconsistent. I hope to birth meaningful projects this year. Yes plural. Multiple. I know I can do it!

·      Running a 5k is on my list: It’s been on my list every year for the past three years. I hope I get to it this year. My brother mentioned wanting to complete a 5k – which would be cute to do together!

·      At home workouts is a big one for me. Going to the gym isn’t realistic for my lifestyle and my schedule. I need to be able to work out at home. I follow a couple of inspiring at home workout girlies and I am taking notes. I just want to stay toned. I will continue my yoga practice, but incorporating weights would be beneficial. I’m hopeful about this one and I’ll be proud of myself if I can achieve it.

·      I’m working toward paying my car off. It’s doable. This is my one financial goal. It is something specific that I can focus on and achieve with an actionable plan.

·      Use my healthcare more. This is plain and simple.

·      One of my more reflective and intentional dedications for 2024 is to “do things big and not small”. In my notes it says “stop dipping your toe into things and do them with every fiber of your being”. People in my life would probably describe me as someone who does things in a very “big” way. But – I know that I can settle with my visions instead of really pulling the trigger in a way that feels satisfying for me. So when it comes to travel, projects, purchases, memories.. I want to go big. I don’t want to hold back on my dreams or desires in 2024.

MEET KOFI

Three months ago, Phoenix got his first dog who we decided to name Kofi. Life has been adventurous with this new addition to our lives. We’d been searching for the perfect dog for a while. I’m a person who’s all about feelings and doing what feels right intuitively. All of the other dogs we were close to getting never made it home with us. My mom and stepdad picked Kofi and I approved of him over a FaceTime call. We went to their house to pick him up that same day. Many of my sons characteristics have heightened since becoming a big (dog) brother. He is even more compassionate than he was before. Kofi gives him more reasons to laugh and smile. These two chase each other around, and are really close like friends! If I had known my son would have such a close connection with a pet, I would’ve committed much sooner.

Although the purpose of getting a dog was for Phoenix to have a pet/companion, Kofi has been good for me too in many ways. Kofi gets me outside for his walk every few hours when I’m glued to my desk. He’s a sense of safety because he is alert and lets us know if someone is near our front door. When Phoenix is away - he’s the perfect little friend to ride with me to the store or to get coffee with. I had a dog named Kane who I had to put down around the time Phoenix was born. I never felt ready to get a new pet until the last year or so. I’m really grateful to get a dog who is mostly quiet and more of a joy than an unwanted responsibility. I became used to forceful change brought unto me by life. Kofi was an intentional and chosen change and it feels good.

At the beginning of the summer I wanted to write more here and blossom with blogging. The truth is that fun and grad school have taken the front seat in my life. I’ve been traveling so much, and when I’m not traveling - Im studying and doing work. This summer feels so good and this chapter of my life in general feels good. It feels like I’m finally becoming the Chloe` I was working so hard to be. This is the season of relaxing into my reality instead of trying to generate so much. I’m also working on a really special project that I can’t wait to share more about. If you’re reading this, I hope you know how to choose yourself. I hope you know that you deserve to live the life of your dreams.

Chloe`