'Afros' by Marc Mayes

I am feeling the reemergence of my former self mixed with the newness of who I am becoming. I lost some characteristics that I really loved about my past self that took work to reacquire. Sometimes, the realities of life can chip away at the most charming elements of our personalities. I’m finding it important to understand that change is good - but not everything has to change. Character building and self growth is rearranging the perfect elements of myself until I feel balanced.

Some new things that have manifested within myself is focus. I used to procrastinate so much, but now I approach things head on. The relationship I have with my intuition is the strongest it’s ever been. My intuition is my guide and my friend. I am less reactive than I used to be. I let people and things shift as they need and I continue on my own wave. I am less hard on myself when I “fail” or don’t meet certain expectations. More grace and patience with human existence brings me comfort. I have evolved into someone who understands that money has to be spent to be made. I accept that my finances ebb and flow - and I no longer allow money to define my contentment in life.

Another thing that has changed is how I seize the moment and CALL OUT joy when I’m experiencing it. Now - when I feel joyful and moved, I acknowledge the feeling and truly savor it. I find it easier to recall happy memories when I am present and genuinely feeling those attached emotions in their entirety. I simply say “I am so happy right now”. This calls power and significance to the moment and gives whoever is with me a suggestive practice of calling out joy.

I have also restructured my relationship with social media - which used to be an obstacle for me. Finding ways to maintain my original thoughts and authenticity on such a superficial platform was DIFFICULT. Now I understand that I can stay true to myself in any entity with self control and real appreciation for knowing myself. This requires standing firm in my personal belief system. I’m also more confident with expressing my beliefs regardless of how I could be perceived by others. I can feel the trueness in some of my favorite influencers, and this brings me peace that others will/can feel it from me.

These images were shot earlier this year with photographer (@thebenchmarc). I love when old projects re-emerge. The Chloe` in these images shot back in April would be so proud of todays July Chloe`.

CRYING IN YOGA

My yoga class this Sunday was taught by a man. Yoga is obviously a female dominated world, but I noticed that I have a much more fulfilling experience with classes led by men. This is a recent observation I made after a class last month. The instructions are much more clear and straight to the point. There’s less use of fancy yoga sanskrit and the class seems to be focused around the physical benefits and how much goodness can be squeezed into an hour. Men also describe what certain positions are doing for certain areas of your body, which allows you to understand things from an athletic or anatomical standpoint.

This class started off pretty normal, but it was intense throughout. I felt challenged, but not in a way of defeat. I had gone on a run earlier that day and needed a good stretch. I should also mention that this is hot yoga, where the temperatures in the room are up to 100 degrees. As the class progressed I became more and more drenched with sweat. Each movement was beautifully built upon the last and the sequence had so much intentional flow. I felt that the entire class received the same energy from the instructor as I had. When I looked around, I noticed that everyone was deep into the movements and dedicated to their individual practice. Commitment was in the air.

Toward the end of the class when we did our final stretches and conscious breathing I was overcome with emotions. These emotions took over me and developed tears within thirty seconds. I was laying on my back in “happy baby” position. Luckily, I could turn my head toward the window and let my tears flow. I was so confused. I didn’t think that I was sad or upset about anything. In the moment, I surrendered to the tears but I didn’t know whether they were from sadness or frustration.

In general, I can be melancholy and pessimistic. I am not afraid to cry and process emotions. In fact, sometimes I cry for a release and as a self care practice. I typically ruminate on what is bothering me and if it is moving enough then I will cry. In this class - the tears were instant. I wondered what was up with me. I was so curious as to why I was suddenly overcome with such strong emotion.

As soon as I got in my car, I googled “crying during yoga” and many articles popped up. Apparently, this happens to people all of the time and is considered normal. I sat in my car and read for about twenty minutes. The articles said that hip opening positions can bring some to tears because as humans thats where we store a lot of stress.

I taught yoga for years and never experienced anything like this. I will be returning to that class every other Sunday, it was cathartic. How often do you cry? Do you cry easily? Should you cry more?

'SUMMERTIME'

I am manifesting many things for my summer. Making the most use of my time is important to me this year. I also feel that I know the value of a real “free” summer now that I have the hang of teaching. Every summer before this one felt like me just catching my breath from the school year ending. This year, things ended peacefully and in a more organized way. I did my grading ahead of time and began to pack my classroom up early so I wouldn’t have to scramble around last minute. I even had a spa day toward the end of the school year as a nice treat to myself. One thing I will say about being an educator is that it gets easier and easier as the years pass. This fall will be my fourth school year!

This summer I hope to have somewhat of a transformation. My excuse for neglecting some of my personal responsibilities is “time” and not having enough of it. Now, I have all the time in the world - so I’m challenging myself to see what I’ll do with it. I hope to teach Phoenix how to write his name and be more hands on with his learning. I always dreamt of the opportunity and energy to homeschool him - and summer really is my chance. I hope to do many activities with him - such as visiting the zoo and taking nature walks together. He turns 5 this summer and he understands so much more about the world.

I also wish to incorporate healthy habits into my life again. I’ve always been relatively healthy - but i want to take things up a notch. I want to be one of those women who look and feel vibrant in their 50s. I know that my habits now will contribute to what my wellness looks like then. Of course I want to look beautiful but more importantly - I want to feel good inside. Staying active and learning more about my body will take the front seat this summer and I’m pretty excited about my evolution. I hope to gain more focus and energy moving into the fall months.

Late summer, I will be releasing something very special to me that has been a work in progress for about a year. I have many emotions surrounding this moment in my life and it is a lot to process on a daily basis. I’ve had to make a lot of important decisions and also be still so that I can hear myself. I have invested a lot of money and time into this project. While I am excited to share it with the world, I also am combating a lot of fear as well (which I think is normal as an artist).

There’s a lot of mental/emotional work to be done. One thing I need to work on is leaving the past in the past. Sometimes, I can be quite reflective of moments that don’t even matter anymore. I still analyze them and try to make sense of them even though these moments are not alive. I think my brain tries to use the past to make sense of the present moment, but life does not work like that. I also need to work on not allowing heavy emotions to effect my productivity.

I am grateful for June/July. This is the time for me to really get my shit together and organize my spirit. I wish everyone got this kind of time to pause and regroup. I won’t let it go to waste. What are some things you look forward to initiating this summer? Please enjoy these pictures of my best friend Lauren and I having a girls day together a couple weeks ago.

MOTHERHOOD

I’m really “in my feelings” as this Mother’s Day approaches because I feel I’ve done the MOST WORK this year. My son is the busiest and the most opinionated he’s ever been. He’s the most expensive, and he also has a life and schedule of his own now. Being celebrated on Mother’s Day is something most moms deserve, but this time around - I know for a fact that I deserve it. I’ve put a lot of work into him and myself between now and last May. As my responsibilities heighten in my own world of parenthood it leads me to more admiration for my mother. My love for her extends each year as I gain more awareness of what it is to be a mom.

At this stage, there is a lot of repetition and creating routines. These boundaries not only hold my son accountable, but myself as well. Lately, I’ve been a little more gentle with us both in regards to skipping a night of story time if the energy isn’t there. This morning we were a little late getting him to school. He was eating his waffles so calmly and he looked at peace. I didn’t want to rush him through his meal or interrupt his moment so I waited. That’s where we are right now - wedged in between structure and his own personal needs.

I really enjoyed this Vogue video with Kehlani because she also speaks to how linear her growth is to her child. I just thought it would be nice to share with you all. Happy Early Mothers Day. <3

THINGS ARE SWEET

Boy, has it been a while since I’ve shared in this space. I was called to write today and express some happiness that I am experiencing. I understand that happiness is not a constant state of being - but a piece of joy here and there. In the past few days people have been showing me love through random acts of kindness. I got a message from a friend who lives very far (Cape Town). She expressed to me that I’ve been on her mind and she asked if we could talk and catch up this weekend. There’s something so sweet about me being on someones mind enough for them to compose a special message, especially when its been a while since we’ve spoken. Its so easy to feel forgotten when you’re in the day to day of your obligations. Sometimes, responsibilities can be so constant that you feel like you’re just blending into everything else that exists.

Last week - The Friday before Valentines Day, one of my students brought me a bag full of small gifts. I thought this was sweet because they could have waited until Monday (Valentine’s Day) - but they were sure to catch me early. This is a student I taught in the past, whom I still share a connection with (like most of my former kids). In the bag was a set of felt tip pens in every color, a journal, some lotion and chapstick. They also got some healthier snacks that I eat and wrote in a card as well. The gifts they selected are only gifts that someone who is paying attention to me could pick. In general, I have really caring students and I am grateful for the memories. This is one I’ll never forget. It lets me know that I am seen, and that the specific things about me matter.

Right before the pandemic, I met a very talented lady who is into all sorts of creative things. She is highly professional and somewhat of an activist for women and black people in general. She reached out to me about a project and I was so flattered that she was fond of my work. Reminders like these always guide me back to myself and show me the ways I impact others. It is so easy to forget your own magic. She told me that my work speaks for itself and then proceeded to praise ‘Ode to 20s’. This made me feel warm inside, and I am thrilled from whatever is born from this alliance.

Theres a coffee shop I frequent in my neighborhood. This coffee shop is so convenient because its close by and in route after I drop my son off at school in the mornings. I usually park out front and wait ten or so minutes until they open. I just sit there and listen to music or check my emails - and then I run in for my latte. I personally see baristas as angels on earth, but the barista who works the morning shift of this shop has lukewarm energy. In general, baristas can be the start to your day. They’re so much more than coffee curators. They have the best stories and conversations, but this barista is different. She isn’t friendly or mean - just an interesting neutral in between.

Anyway, I was sitting out there this morning waiting for them to open. I was actually dancing when a I heard a startling knock on my window - IT WAS THE LUKE WARM BARISTA! I rolled the window down and she handed me my coffee. She explained to me that she saw me come and leave last week. She handed me my vanilla latte with oat milk just the way I like it, for free. This really warmed my heart. The week before when I drove up and saw her - I decided to go to a different coffee shop because that barista is very nice and I hadn’t seen them in a while. I really couldn’t believe that she remembered my order and walked it out to the car. This reminded me to give people chances, chances to show how beautiful their colors are. I really began to give up on this grumpy barista.

This fusion of gestures the universe continues to send is much appreciated. I do a lot of sweet things for others knowing it will come back to me in some form. Life is getting pretty sweet. I’ve taken time away from this blog because I’ve been working hard on my second zine. It is almost ready. I can’t wait. It feels good to write again about nothing and everything. It also feels good to have somewhere to go that I can just ramble but I don’t have to yell - because whoever reads this is reading it because they want to.

Love,

C.

Preserve Your Goodness

I wish it hadn’t taken me so many years to learn how to preserve some of my goodness. I would just sprinkle around my love, wisdom, and efforts. It took deep downloads and several seasons of shadow work to learn my true worth. There’s worth in the way that I show up for other people. I love those around me with tenderness and understanding (sometimes too much). I share my resources and my advice endlessly. I want to be of help, because that’s what inspires me. I aim to add value to whatever situation I’m involved in. Being this way can put you in the predicament of being taken advantage of - emotionally. Being so open to others can turn into rarely being the reciever.

I want to give a reminder to other givers, that it is okay to recieve. It is okay to expect from those you graciously pour into. At the end of the day, and just in human nature - it is natural to prioritize self. Make sure that you are prioritizing yourself just as much as you do others. I don’t think you should give with the intention of receiving, but never forget your worth. Worth is determined by how you identify with your aura and contributions in this lifetime. If you recognize your worth, you have to act like it. Other people can see how much you value yourself when you are walking in your purpose and in true alignment.

Give Yourself Permission To *Pause*

Sometimes the lessons you need to learn cause you to PAUSE. The end of the summer has been a highly reflective moment that requires change. Intentional change. Im learning that when I’m shifting I need solitude, because I can be easily distracted. Socializing, and being open to assisting others distracts me the most. Major growth requires me to be conscious of what I do with every moment of free time.

Things that I’ve learned in the last two months:

• What You Allow Will Continue: In the past I would sit through relationships, situations, and thought patterns that didn’t serve me in order to keep the peace, or to not seem like a “bitch”. This time of reflection has given me the permission to opt out of what is not aligned with my purpose and beliefs. I had to learn how to release guilt from not being as available and susceptible to extrinsic people and energies. I had to accept that as I change, so many other things will too and that’s okay.

• Accept That There Are Only 24 Hours In A Day: As someone who thrives from task completion, it is hard to accept time and how little of it there is. There is so much that I need to do, and want to do - but it can’t always get done. I was placing my worth in my productivity levels, which is totally unfair. I live a demanding lifestyle, and allowing myself to rest or move today’s tasks to tomorrow is okay. Summer allowed me to accept rest and experience rejuvenation unattached to criminalizing myself.

• Be Gentle With Yourself: This one is major. I’ve been pretty hard on myself most of my life. This summer I really learned to ease up. Now it is easy for me to take a day off when I need to. Putting my wellness and DESIRES first has allowed room for fulfillment. Taking it easy on myself also allows me to extend grace to others.

• Looking Good Means Feeling Good: I can’t stress enough how important outer appearance is. Looking good to feel good is not shallow. Confidence, authenticity and consistency (to me) are the keys to life and getting the things you want. How you look is a manifestation to whom you want to become.

• Details Matter: Intention has been a major theme in my life the last two years and it always remains. Details are what makes the mundane things so satisfying. Making sure I have all of my ingredients when I cook allows me to be more grateful for my meals. Making sure my laundry is all clean, so I have more options to choose from when getting ready for work. Giving myself an extra twenty minutes to do my hair matters, so that my confidence can be heightened for the day. Remembering to thank someone with a card, phone call or followup conversation has boosted the morale of the connections I make. All the little details, and things we usually brush off truly matter.

• Check Your Ego: Grappling with my ego is the exhausting part of growth. Exhausting because it is never ending work. Exhausting because you have to dismiss your ego to address your ego. Exhausting because sometimes, my ego acts as my protector. Analyzing the fault I have in situations I am uncomfortable with, and then sourcing solutions that force me to do work IS EXHAUSTING. I’ve done a lot of healing in my lifetime - but not enough ego work. This summer has humbled me and I’m excited for who I become in separation from ego based decisions.

• You Are Not Crazy, The Energy Is Off: In the past I would suppress my feelings in certain relationships and ignore obvious red flags. I would be open to people who didn’t have my best interest at heart, or only wanted to be close with me for personal gain. It’s confusing, because people can take emotional or spiritual advantage of you. They want you around to source abundance, energy and ideas from you - but have nothing to give back. I am cautious about new relationships and even some old ones. “Protect your energy” is a cliche meme quote but also very essential. At this point if the energy feels forced, strained or artificial - I have zero tolerance or involvement for it.

In the end it always comes back to balance. If you are seeking balance I would suggest taking your time. Take a break from your usual and try something different to obtain clarity. Set small goals that are achievable to enhance how you view yourself. Don’t always be so open to oversharing and over socializing. Make sure that the energy you have left over after handling responsibilities is used wisely. For two weeks try to only engage with people who make you feel good about yourself. Try to only wear things that make you feel attractive. Try to eat all the things you truly want and crave. Over time you will see how living life on your terms contributes to your mind, body and spirit.

All images shot by Harmony Jones.

I HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD

Summertime in my family is really busy with birthdays. It seems like a majority of my immediate family have birthdays in June and July. This means we are always celebrating and the weekends are so full at that time. I decided to give Phoenix an experience instead of a party this year.

I was able to find an airbnb, situated on 13 acres, with gorgeous, friendly animals on the property. Phoenix is really into farm animals! From a young age, he has always been curious about cows and horses. Last summer, we took him to a private farm and he was too afraid to enjoy the moment. This year he was all in. As I said in my last post, I really enjoy trips that are nature based. Leisurely living is a real vacation - a chance to clear your mind. We stayed for two days and I could’ve easily stayed two more.

Aside from interacting with the animals and relaxing we did things around the small town. We visited the local grocery store and got some necessities. I enjoy treating myself at local grocery stores. I splurge on things I wouldn’t buy back at home. Like, seven dollar vegan ice cream or a fancy honey for my tea. We also checked out the popular eats, and the local thrift stores for souvenirs to take home.

Phoenix was enthralled by the animals and wanted to be near them all the time. It was pretty amazing to wake up and see horses snacking on grass right outside the window. These animals were not shy and neither was the property dog. It rained hard while we were there which was refreshing. I think trips as gifts are my new thing.

Phoenix’s favorite gift has become a scooter my mom got him! He wants to ride it 24-7. Phoenix’s four year old energy followed pretty quickly after his birthday. His appetite grew, his vocabulary did as well. His friendly and outgoing personality is showing itself more. He is an amazing swimmer and still attending swim classes once a week. He is looking forward to the new school year, and I have been thinking of enrolling him into soccer. He has also been asking for a cat or dog. Plenty of changes to come - but what’s new? Thank you to everyone who sent him warm birthday wishes - we felt them.

New Mexico : Third Time's A Charm

This trip to New Mexico fell on a really special weekend. It shared both Fathers Day and Juneteenth. Troy had been wanting to go to White Sands National Park, and to visit NM during the summer. Our previous visits were both during the colder/winter seasons. I thought a Father’s Day trip would be better than a gift - especially to celebrate summer solstice. Planning nature/road trips is always easier for me, because there’s less pressure to have an eventful itinerary. In these far and desolate towns, there isn’t much to do but relax and unwind. We spent the first day exploring Las Cruces and the second day at White Sands.

Something amazing that comes with nature trips- is that children can really run free and get dirty. Low maintenance and open air vacations seem to have my heart these days. Trips that I don’t need rest from once I get back are ideal. Our airbnb had the most dreamy white adobe structure. I felt like I was in some type of fairytale hobbit house. The airbnb’s in New Mexico are so unique and spiritual feeling. NM is known as “the land of enchantment”, and this energy is present as soon as the mountains appear. I always tell others that New Mexico is my hidden gem. Its quiet, inspiring and in nature.

Creating memories for Phoenix to look back on means the world to me. Recently, at my granny’s house, I came upon this picture of my cousins and I at the Alamo in San Antonio. There was 6 or 7 of us and we were all so young and happy to be there with each other. Being open minded at a young age can come from the literal understanding of how small we are in this very big world. Once we got back from New Mexico, we were reset and ready to take on the summer. Even though we just left, I can’t wait to go back. Have you ever been to New Mexico before?

New York 2021 Nail Ramble

The day before I was to leave for New York, one of my nails broke. I had the perfect set, and loved the color. I had only had this set for about 4 days. I went to the nail shop to have it fixed, and it was good as new. The next morning as I was gathering my things, to soon be headed to the airport. I realized ANOTHER one of my nails was broken. The old me would have sulked, would have been so aggravated. But instead, I grabbed my nail file and chunked it in my carry on. I thought to myself, “Nice try, but I won’t come off my high seat for a nail.” I spent the time in the air - filing all of my nails down to an even length. They looked good. I smiled to myself pretty proud of my maturity and growth. Even with something so small, to move forward without feeling defeated is growth for me.

The perfectionist in the OLD me wants everything to go a certain way. If one little thing got out of place, I would spiral into this frenzy of low vibrational and negative emotions. But I chose not to come off my “high seat.” My high seat is the throne that I mentally imagine in my head. When negative feelings or a decision needs to be made - I do whatever allows me to stay in my high seat. The me who is in my high seat does not get upset by minute things that ultimately do not matter. The me who is in my high seat laughs deeply at inconvenient mishaps that try to ruin my time. The me who is in my high seat is so grateful for life - that it would take something tragic to gain control over my day.

Being a mother, I am very used to having someone by my side all of the time. Someone to eat with, talk with and to take care of. When I am alone for long periods of time, I sort of have to redefine my existence. This trip to New York allowed me to identify myself as an individual. To eat what I wanted and to do what I wanted to do. Having the time to process my thoughts and emotions without considering anyone else was quite restful. Taking that time allowed me to use some of the tools I practice with during shadow work. I am very grateful for the time, and space to have these experiences. My trip was beautiful despite the ‘nail test’ sent by the universe. Here are a couple shots from my trip that I don’t want to forget.

TREAT YOURSELF HOW YOU WANT OTHERS TO TREAT YOU

We often hear the phrase, “treat others how you want to be treated.” Meaning do (or don’t do) unto others as you wish to be done unto you. As a child, this really meant - dont say or do mean things to others, because you wouldn’t want to be handled that way. This was our very premature introduction to taking responsibility for our actions involving other people.

One of my main focuses has been raising awareness in my close relationships and heightening my self worth. I am learning that it is important to treat myself how I want others to treat me. In my last post, I talked about self accountability and changes I can make as an individual to create the connections I want. I talked about how I often would look at what changes others could make to enhance MY life, which is a poor way of thinking. Lately, treating myself how I want others to treat me seems to be the medicine my choices needed. Prior to this shift I was depleted from filling everyone else’s cup before mine. I would run myself ragged trying to prioritize others happiness before my own. I would say yes when I wanted to say no. I would feel guilt about not being available. I was a people pleaser, but also a blamed others for my own unhappiness and lack of appreciation. I learned that in order to be treated like a Queen I’d first have to treat myself like one.

If I don’t value my time, why would others? If I don’t show others the way I like to be nurtured then how would they know? I realized I had to set the tone. I would say this shift happened late January of this year. I began to:

• Take myself on meaningful dates

• Wear beautiful clothing that made me feel good inside

• Get my nails done routinely for pampering and beauty upkeep

• Buy myself fresh flowers every week and a half

• Cook delicious meals for myself

• Plan solo events and travels for myself

• Say yes to things that interest me without thinking myself out of it

• Creating a dream atmosphere for myself at home

• Prioritize my body, mind and spirit

• Read and learn more self help books

• Releasing guilt around buying myself nice things

Doing these things for myself birthed a new me. I had new standards and new perspectives about things. My happiness was no longer dependent on what others did or didn’t do for me. Regardless of outside efforts, I was fulfilled. This created more grace, and appreciation in my relationships. Not only did it take unnecessary responsibility off of those around me - but it also showed others what I was accustomed to. If I choose to only expose myself to greatness, then I can only respond to greatness. Upgrading yourself is upgrading everyone else around you in a way.

In the image above, you will see these beautiful white roses I got myself a couple weeks ago. I was so proud of them and loved the way they looked in my kitchen. There was no second thoughts about buying them on the spot, because I knew I deserved them. I’ve been committed to keeping floral arrangements in my home to remind me of my beauty. Days later, I was given seven dozen roses. I think a lot of it has to do with my new personal standards. I wasn’t given anything I didn’t already have or couldn’t give to myself - but (in my mind) I created the norm. While we all deserve our flowers, we can’t expect anything we wouldn’t give to ourselves. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. It has to be your efforts first, and then other efforts are just extra. Be responsible for you.

CREATIVE RUTS & AWAITING THE WAVE ~

For a while I lost my desire to create. The static from social media, the pandemic and moving through life had me stifled as an artist. The ideas weren’t flowing, and I was uninterested. There was no extra energy to express any form of art, or share it for that matter. I went through months of feeling like I needed to focus on my ‘real’ life, and what I wanted that to look like. So, I dug deeper into parenting, decorating my home and more intentional shadow work. I thought I was doing shadow work before, but the real work starts with solitude. Sitting with myself really showed me what I (as an individual) needed to work on.

Before, I’d spend too much time thinking about what I wanted/needed or would/wouldn’t tolerate from others. I was only doing a portion of the work. There was a hyperfocus on how OTHERS could better serve me. I needed to visit the ugly parts of myself and address my feelings around that. Blaming external factors for what was lacking in my life was a sad crutch. The truth is that growth is never ending and since growth hurts, there will be continuous pain at various levels. Lately, I’ve realized its okay to experience joy and pain simultaneously, you just have to put pain in the backseat. Allow your range of feelings to be felt intensely.

My desire to get back into projects has returned. I am focused on letting my creativity be what it is. This time around I don’t want to over edit anything. I don’t want my words or pictures to be drained of their authenticity. I want to be a more free creative. I’d like to get back to creating for myself, and just doing what feels good.

For Mothers Day, the boys took me to the museum. This visit really sparked my creativity and gave me that inspiring feeling again. Traveling and art return me to my creative self. This is why I am really looking forward to the summer, so i can dive all the way in. If you are a creative and are waiting for inspiration in these times of capitalism and community pain, be patient with yourself. I took about 6 months off. Release the guilt and the shame that comes along with taking your time.

REFLECTIONS ON JOY & VISITING HOME

Recently, I went home (Houston) and as always I left with a full heart. My appreciation for my family and the memories we make together is endless. Usually, when I go home I only have two full days to visit and explore (it’s rarely enough time). This time I took a four day trip and could fully immerse myself in the moment. My granny turned ‘80’ on Easter sunday and my aunt got married the day before. This trip encapsulated lots of excitement and celebration.

In the midst of celebrating and moving about the city, I also got some me time without Phoenix. One particular morning, I went alone to a cafe and sat quietly eating the most simple but nourishing breakfast. I felt a big wave of contentment. Troy and I drove around and ate at our favorite spots. We got to go out one night and stay in for movies and icecream the other. I got to see my cousins and hit old spots I used to love. Celebrating my aunts wedding was exciting and I enjoyed dressing up. I went with a Reformation dress and couldn’t resist wearing black (even in spring). My granny’s birthday gathering was a hit. I ate good food and felt beautiful the entire weekend. My hair was even on board and looked fluffy each day !

Ever since I got back from the trip, I’ve been committed to maintaining that same joy I experienced. It’s easy to be in a good mood when you’re around family and drinks are constantly flowing. It’s easy to be satisfied with life when you’re in the most adorable airbnb with well coordinated outfits and a list of exciting things to do. I know some of these same sentiments can be carried over into my daily life - with balance of course. I had so much fun that I realized I shouldn’t wait until vacation or trips to live my VERY best life. In some ways, everyday can be vacation or feel like my birthday.

Tapping into my inner Goddess and nurturing myself has been a huge priority since this year began. This revelation about making everyday a vaca has sort of already been birthed in some ways. Now more than ever life seems so short. Everyday should be fully lived and loved. Some small things I’ve began to do to incorporate vacation vibes into my everyday life are as follows:

• Wake up earlier so I can take my time getting ready for the day

• Prioritize my style and physical presentation more

• Eat/Prepare meals in a more delicious and intentional way

• Call/Facetime my friends and family more (for feelings of closeness)

• Make consistent travel plans until it becomes a lifestyle

• Check out more local and nearby shops and spaces

There’s a whole five hours left until ‘bed time’ when I leave work. That time should be filled with the things I love doing - even if it is during the week. Every single day can be exciting in some way. It is not asking too much to want a fruitful and colorful life. We deserve and are entitled to pleasure and our deepest desires.

'HEALING WITH GRACE'

Healing can be ugly, it can be beautiful and many other things. I feel like I’ve been trying to heal myself on a serious level for about ten years. Self salvation transforms every time something major occurs in your life. What once worked - now may not. I used to kick and complain through healing. I would use self doubt, pity and all of the other “blamey” actions that get you nowhere. As toxic and counterproductive as my actions were - they made me feel better in the moment. With time and maturity, I realized I wanted to invite grace into my life around the concept of healing. I believe becoming more graceful was my goal for 2019.

Lately, grace during healing has looked like acceptance. Grace has looked like releasing control. Grace has looked like allowing others to be who and where they are in life. Inviting grace into my own world has given me more peace and range to love. Everything is not a right or wrong - black or white. Once you see people, the world, emotions and situations on a spectrum, ; it allows you to look at the big picture. The big picture is wanting happiness, freedom, serenity. So, a good thing to ask yourself in the midst of decision making is “Am I handling this in the most graceful way?”.

Grace is not being a pushover and allowing people and life to swallow you up. Grace is handling situations in a calm, assertive and informed state of mind. Grace is allowing your best self to manage your life instead of your resentful hyperactive self. Operating from a place of godliness will invite that same energy into your perspective, especially during difficult times.

So always - in the back of my mind ; the question is “Am I handling this with grace?”

LIFE UPDATE & HOW "30" FEELS

I am a few days shy of being 30 for an entire month. To me 30 really is different. It feels like a new era for me to expand and stretch out in. So much shadow work is being done on a daily basis which is the most emotional exhaustion I’ve ever felt. 30 no longer allows me to ignore my feelings, it lunges me right into all of my realities. Days and weeks feel shorter, and I’ve come to realize how short life is in general. To me - the year is already moving fast and I know I need to act on my true desires. I’ve mostly turned inward and began to be selective about most things.

As much intention as I apply on a daily basis, I’ve also been learning to relax a little bit. Most of my twenties I was anxious and worried. Now I’m seeing the health advantages of acceptance and true relaxation. The more I do what’s best for me, the more relaxed I become. The more I vocalize what I will and won’t accept- the more relaxed I can truly be. Moving into my new apartment right before my birthday is really where most of my work has presented itself. I always say this but there is so much healing in moving. What I’ve enjoyed the most about moving is providing Phoenix with his own room. This is a big deal for me as a mother, because we only want what’s best for our children. Being able to give him that brings me an immense amount of joy.

Purchasing new furniture for the first time has been fun and expensive. I usually take furniture from my mother or buy a lot of second hand. This time around, I am making ADULT purchases with furniture I may have for a lifetime. I’ve been making investment decisions left and right in regards to my home and my life. In my early 20s I lived month to month. Late twenties felt like season to season. Now I am living year to year. I am already thinking about next year and what that looks like for my family and I. I understand the importance of security and good decision making NOW more than ever. See the chart below that really fascinated and inspired me to pick a side and stay there regarding my values by @innermade.

I experienced a major creative burnout closer to the last sell out of ‘Ode to 20s’. The project taught me so much about myself and life. I met and spoke with so many beautiful people about the content and revelations. I learned what it meant to be an entrepreneur and have responsibilities with shipping and packaging. A whole new mindset came with this experience. As I am finally coming around to having some creative spurts, I am learning to take it slow. While success feels confirming and righteous - I also know the importance of taking a break and returning when it feels right. Selling out of my zine three times showed me that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I have been splurging on myself all year, and not feeling guilty for it. This is something I had to learn how to do. I’ve always had guilt attached to self indulgence, but that has ALMOST diminished completely. I hate that I went so long feeling badly for giving myself things I deserved (and earned), but those days are long gone. For my birthday, I straightened my hair for the first time in ten years ! It was a nice experience and while I feel more attractive with my curly hair - I will continue to try new things and be a little more spontaneous with my tresses. At the moment, I am all about my skincare, and getting my body to an ideal space. My inner/outer appearance has become more of a priority than it has been in the past. It’s a fun and exciting place to be right now in vanity world.

I’ve been journaling a whole lot. I try to write a full page at least 5 days out of the week. Reading has also re-entered my life now that I have more of a calm routine. I am very much into self help books still. I’m getting back into my podcasts, and yoga. Surprisingly I’ve been drinking A TON of tea instead of my usual coffee. My favorite is earl grey with oatmilk and way too much honey. I recently reached my goal of slimming down a bit since quarantine season began. Eating clean and drinking plenty water has allowed me to reach my goal. I am still trying to curve my sugar intake - which has always been my biggest challenge health wise. There is no definition to my diet. Some days I eat vegan meals, other days I may have fish or meat. My main focus is to eat as clean as possible and steer clear from food with no benefit.

Investing in Phoenix has been fun, he’s taking swim classes once a week. I can’t wait until I can see some results. I intend to help him try everything to see what his interests are. Parenting has me really busy but keeps me on point. I find little pockets to read and introduce self care into our routine. Again - intention. The theme right now is to “hurry up and take my time”. To me this means to find balance in between work and play. Balance between moving pretty quickly and slowing down. There can always be happiness, as long as there is balance.

Relationships have also been in the front seat. I have been navigating and analyzing the relationships dearest to me. I think I have the prominent beings around me that will be here for a lifetime. This season is all about strengthening and nurturing the connections I’ve been blessed with. I am constantly assessing how I can better serve these relationships, and what I need from them. Nothing matters more to me than my loved ones. Creating memories, spending time and sharing resources and energy is everything right now. On the flip side, a challenging portion of this section is creating boundaries and maintaining them.

Although i’ve taken a big break from writing on LADYFOX, you can still find consistent work from me on alltheprettybirds. This is where all of my wellness and lifestyle pieces are. Thank you for welcoming me back and allowing me to be open in this space. Some things I am looking forward to, is warm weather. I am excited to travel a bit - without a massive fear of pandemic stress. Although this virus is still very real, I think we as a people have learned how to navigate it and have evolved past fear based living. I am looking forward to continuing to grow and choosing myself throughout the year.

What have you guys been up to ?

THOUGHTS ON 2021 (5 DAYS IN!)

So far this year has been pretty intense. I wanted to wait a few days before I settle on how I feel. I am both a combination of excited and somber. Growth seems almost impossible without some sort of pain or sacrifice. I am adjusting and getting aligned with who I want to become. I know that getting where I want to be will require discomfort. I am honestly burnt out on the “New Year’ theme. I’ve always been a fan of starting over and resets, but capitalism lowkey ruins it for me. It’s more than just another way to make profit. The New Year is hope and inspiration for a lot of people. Celebrating the new year and setting intentions at the same time as everyone else is powerful and the most exciting “holiday” to me. It’s not about gifts, moreso about looking within and focusing on yourself.

Right now, I am trying to enjoy every moment of life, and take it easy. My number one intention for 2021 is to calm down. To not feel that I need to make major decisions everyday. I want to allow myself to move freely within challenges knowing I’ll persevere. I want the freedom to enjoy moments of accomplishment - instead of wondering if I deserve it. The mind is a tricky thing, and I’m working on keeping mine in a steady place.

When I look back on 2020, I think about its comparison to 2019. The past two years have been ones of major growth and having to adapt rapidly to new realities. Although I accomplished a lot last year, I never really stopped to enjoy it. This year, I’m stopping to smell the roses. I want to say that I admire my drive and ability to multitask the way I do. As a mother, educator and creative I still find time to express myself - and encourage others to do so. That’s a big deal. Last year, I got a new car - new place - new job and wrote a zine that changed my life and others. I passed a major test that I was nervous about and completed my teaching program. I survived a pandemic! I worked with amazing brands, and creatives who share the same passion as me. I really showed up for myself in important ways.

At this time I want to allow my feelings to be all across the spectrum. It is okay to feel things that contrast in definition. All things flow together in some way. I will check back in the next few weeks in regards to the New Year. For now I will spend time enjoying the small simple things. I’ve been listening to SO MUCH Steve Lacy. He just released ‘The Lo-Fi’s’, which he says are samples and projects from high school. This really blew my mind - his music truly is timeless.

How are you feeling after the holidays ? What are your thoughts on the New Year and Resolutions.

'Life Update' feat. ARQ

Life right now is really interesting for me. The theme seems to be practicing what I preach. That’s the hard thing about being a writer - doing what you suggest to others. Once you know better, you have to do better. That’s where I am, and it is deep work.

Creatively things are flowing and I’m more committed than ever to complete projects. ‘Ode to 20s’ really birthed a part of myself that sees all the possibilities of life. Putting my work out there in a new way gave me the openness I needed to produce more. Seeing how much others believe in me, and use my words to make it through hard times is more than enough motivation.

Motherhood has been rough as the “mom guilt” gets realer as Phoenix gets older. The more he comes into his own understanding of things, the more responsibility I have to come through for him. He can voice his needs (and wants of course). He constantly needs to be kept busy and truly has a mind of his own. It’s a celebration everytime I hear him use a new phrase. Yesterday, he tried Jello for the first time and loved it. This mother work is just as rewarding as it is tiring. What saves me everytime is that loving him comes so natural. We spent all last year sleep training him, just for me to now prefer him in the bed with me at night. Finding ways to keep him entertained during a pandemic is hard. These days, running errands with me is as fun as it gets. I try to make life as exciting for him as I can. I wonder what he thinks of me as his mother and I can’t wait until the day he can tell me.

Something I’ve been prioritizing is my style ! In the last couple months, I’ve been treating myself to new pieces and accessories. I’ve come to realize how much looking good effects my mood. I’m learning how my style and energy intertwine. Along with refining my own style, I’ve also been splurging a bit on toddler clothes too. I feel much better when Phoenix and I are pulled together and on top of our self care/body positivity game.

Something new thats happened is we purchased a TV. I have been without a TV for over 5 years. I felt that it was unnecessary for so long. I sort of started to see tv as the ‘idiot box’. The way it used to keep me stuck for hours on end, seeing the same irrelevant information over and over. Since Phoenix is getting older and always watching his ipad, I decided to just get one and see how it goes. It’s nice to have, especially when I need to get things done. I love being able to work on my computer, but watch my Youtube videos on the tv. Watching some of my favorite vloggers on a bigger screen makes the experience richer ! At the moment, my favorite Youtubers are Gemary, Sophia Chang, Nash Grier and Jaelah Majette. I do watch a lot of Youtube, so my preferences change by the month and the mood.

The day these pictures were taken (last Sunday), Phoenix and I were just hanging out at home. Both of us are wearing lounge sets by ARQ. Everything we have on can be purchased on their website. I can honestly say, I won’t be lounging in anything else as long as ARQ exists. What have you guys been up to lately ?

BOUNDARIES AROUND "CHRISTMAS"

I’ve been in an uncertain place about holidays this year. Being aware of the true meaning of holidays at a time where I want to be aligned with my own culture is tricky. My three year old is understanding holidays and festive moments. I’ve been battling between keeping the joy, but acknowledging the defective history and capitalism connected to Pagan holidays. I went back and forth - debating on if I wanted to get a tree, and just how far into ‘celebrating’ I should go.

Honestly, I could do without the tree and the gifts, but I still want Phoenix to have some of the same memories I had as a child. I was raised Baptist Christian and began to lean more into spirituality in my early 20s. My mom no longer acknowledges Thanksgiving/Christmas, but when I was a child she decorated and prioritized a festive environment for my brother and I. We always had many gifts and Christmas was a major deal. I am trying to find a good medium for Phoenix.

Last weekend I decided to go ahead and get a tree. He is really excited about the tree when we light it up at night. I put some ornaments we’ve collected over the years onto the tree. Yesterday, he stood next to the tree and said “Ho Ho Ho”. I was shook because Christmas is already on his mind, he has been introduced to the theme from the shows he watches on his iPad. He’s exposed to the colors and the decor everytime we go to the store as well. I’ve come to realize that in some ways Christmas is inevitable, and we all get a taste of it in some way.

I must admit the tree does add a joy factor to our home. I went with a very small and minimal tree. I think I will get him a few gifts, but not go overboard. I don’t want him to get too hung up on “Santa” or presents because everyday truly is Christmas for my son. He gets everything he needs and most of what he wants all year. I want to remind myself that the holiday is what I make it and not to feel guilty for doing whatever I choose. This is the first tree we’ve had since he was born. This year has been fun because he understood it was his birthday when he turned three. He had a blast on Halloween with his costume, and he is already in the holiday spirit for “Christmas”.

I was talking to a close friend who was raised Jehovah’s witness. They said that their mother didn’t celebrate any holidays, but that the exposure was present with school and regular life. They said that they were interested and felt left out in school settings without being able to share the same experiences as other children. They encouraged me to do whatever I want to do. I think this was the moment I began to consider giving Phoenix some exposure to the holiday. My mom has suggested celebrating the seasons, instead of the specific holidays, which I think is a marvelous idea. I am also interested in studying more about black holidays such as Kwanzaa and incorporating those traditions in our household. I will most likely incorporate Kwanzaa by keeping an abundance of fruit on the dining table as well as in the kitchen. I’ll also get some Kwanzaa decor from the local Pan African store (support black businesses) and speak to the owner for historical direction.

There are so many decisions to make as a parent, right ? How do you feel about the holidays and how much should be exposed to your little one ?

ODE TO 20s LIVE DISCUSSION

This Sunday, I will hold the first live discussion of “Ode to 20s” on my Instagram platform (@discochlo). I am looking forward to this moment because I haven’t had the time to really sit down and share more thoughts about the project. In general, I am internet shy and something like this is out of my comfort zone but I want to connect with those who resonate with the zine.

I will dive into my favorite parts of the and share some of my responses. I look forward to hearing about what others think of the zine. I’ve gotten a lot of beautiful feedback and can’t wait for Sunday !

'ODE TO 20s' x DOING GODDESS WORK

I can’t believe the day is here for me to share my creation with the world. The feedback has been beautiful to see and hear.

I wrote ‘Ode to 20s’ at a transformative and unapologetic time. I felt the need to express a lot about what I wish I knew in the past and sharing my own wisdom. My twenties were challenging, and I wish I had someone to tell me certain things about various topics. I began to write down areas of my life I could’ve used solid perspectives on. These areas included :

• Men & Love

• Your Relationship w/ Your Mother

• On Friendship

• On Moving Away @ Least Once

• On Sexuality

• On Finances

• On Acquiring Knowledge and Creativity

• On Being a Goddess and Doing Goddess Work

• On Year 29 & Beyond

• On Mental Health

• On Being Black

• & last but not least On Confidence and Comparison

Once I got clear on my chapters - I wrote the entire rough draft in 2/3 days. Alongside my editor, Grace Davin and graphics designer Eric Eastland-Jones, we created “Ode to 20s”. At the time of building the zine, I was also interested in creating a tote to go with it as well. My favorite chapter in the zine talks about Goddess work and being a Goddess, and there the idea of the tote was born. I wanted something unique and groovy for other Goddesses to carry around.

I worked alongside a talented screen printer who allowed me to be hands on with the process. This project taught me so much about myself as a woman, mother and creative. Ode to 20s was created with the black woman in mind, but is perfect for any woman journeying this life. I want to thank you all again for your continued support of me as a writer.

Love always,

Chloe`