ARE YOU EVEN READY?

If you find yourself pondering on your future and visualizing your dream life, there’s a question you should ask yourself. Would you be equipped if what you desired presented itself today? If you’re longing for a certain experience - are you ready for it? Are you devoted? I find it amusing how much time is spent on imagining how life could be with this career or this person or with this house - when the steps to sustain said opportunities haven’t been explored. It’s easy to romanticize the results and not the process. The action can start now, and the sooner it does - the closer we are to our ideal lifestyle.

When I imagine my dream life, I imagine having a small two or three bedroom home. I’d like to be in a neighborhood where I can walk my son to school. I don’t want to be in the suburbs - I’d like to be in an older established neighborhood in the middle of the city. One of those quaint neighborhoods that are festive and diverse. I would like to have one of those ginormous netted trampolines in the backyard and a small garden. I would like for my guest bedroom to double as a writing space with a desk and all of my inspirational notes on display. I see colorful drinking glasses in a transparent cupboard where all of my dining pieces are visible. I’d like to have musical instruments throughout the home for my son to play and practice with.

In my dream life, I see myself walking my dog or dogs on the weekends to a nearby coffee shop. I can already hear city chatter and people driving by with their music loud. I see my son picking out his favorite pastry once we make it to the cafe. I visualize a positive and peaceful environment for us. A lifestyle filled with ease and activity. I can visualize me having friends that are mothers whose sons play on the same sports team as Phoenix or whatever his activity of choice is at the time. At this stage of life, I crave some grounding. I’ve moved a lot in the last ten years of my life. I’m ready to be in one spot and collect a bunch of unnecessary shit in all the closets. I’m ready to host wine drunken dinners twice a month with close friends and family who genuinely care for me.

I desire a romantic love that is consistent and dreamy. People put a lot of limits on love, and I realize this is because they’ve never experienced the magic that love can bring. In my experience, love and relationships have offered more than heart break. Love has offered joy, and laughter. Love has offered togetherness as family and friends merge. Love has given me a beautiful child who brings compassion, responsibility and growth into my reality. Love has shown me how simply you can live when you share life with someone who has a similar vision as you. In my dream life my person loves me in ways I didn’t know I needed. My person prioritizes the health of our family and children. In my dreams, my person values time spent together and makes it a point to create time for that. In my dreams, my person allows me to flourish as an individual and uplifts me along the way. I see morning conversations on our porch. I can see sharing home design projects. I see all of the other gorgeous things like dancing together in the living room and decorating our home together on holidays.

In my dream life, I’d like to regularly take my mother on vacations and frequent lunches. I’d like for my son to spend time with his cousins like I did as a child. I would like to have family gatherings and sleepovers for the kids at my house. I’d like to have a career that gives me the luxury of making a difference in peoples lives, while having plenty of time for my own life and plans without stress and friction. I remember when financial stability was the dream - now emotional and mental stability are the dreams! I am manifesting a yoga studio nearby that I love where there are other black girls in eye sight. I would also like to have a book club or some type of writing group that I meet with regularly.

I could go on forever about my dream life because it’s what I fantasize about in my idle time. I do think that I am taking the steps to create this reality for myself little by little. Step one would be to finish grad school and secure a career in my hometown. As I move closer and closer to the finish line, I am keeping my dream in mind. I encourage you to think about your own dream life and how you want your future to unfold. I want you to use your senses when you’re planning your future. Imagine what it will taste like..smell like. I tried really hard not to use the m word as I wrote this (manifestation). I understand how cliche and boring the concept is in todays modern journal reads. But to imagine something you hope for in great detail IS truly birthing a phenomenon in your life.

I think it is important to know that at any point your plan can be disrupted. You can be totally caught off guard and redirected in the most beautiful way. You could end up in a different state or career than you thought you would. SO it is important to be open minded. When I look at some of the blessings I’ve acquired and am currently experiencing - I realize that maybe I wasn’t dreaming big enough in the past. I’ve shared an image of me when I was a little girl. I’ve been OBSESSED with digging up my past and learning more about my childhood in relation to who I am today. At the end of the day, I just want to make THAT little girls dreams come true. I think I’m about 6 in this photo which is the same age my son will be this summer. It feels good to write again - summer is where my practice REALLY picks up. I appreciate all of you who stay no matter how long it takes for me to return.

xxx CJ

A BIRTHDAY IS A PROMISE

My birthday this year was the best birthday I’ve had in a really long time. Not because of the day itself, but because of the person I became within the year. My outlook on birthdays are now more focused on who I was in those 365 days. Some questions I contemplate are: In that year, what type of decisions did you make for yourself? How productive were you with your time? How much did you choose yourself? How much did you smile and laugh? How many lessons did you learn? How much joy did you experience from your last birthday to this one?

Now I see birth days as a promise. Birthdays feel like a pledge to give myself a meaningful life. So, when this birthday arrived and I took inventory of the way I’d been living - I was joyful. Before there was so much emphasis on the celebration, a subconscious way to make up for the lack of intentionality, and bullshitting with my life’s purpose. Neither of those things had space in my life in the last year. I exposed all of my beautiful colors. I was vulnerable when I needed to be. I handled my business as a mother and as a professional. I was well traveled and had many experiences to be proud of. I released a book which taught me valuable lessons. I became less authoritarian over things that didn’t need my control. I created firm boundaries between myself and highly toxic habits that were once so addicting. I listened to my intuition with appreciation for the ability and maturity to hear her. Life truly is beautiful.

This year, I spent my birthday at home in Houston. It was simple and intimate. What I enjoyed the most was the physical embracing and conversation. I felt loved and cherished. Feeling good about myself was the biggest gift, and everything else was extra love. February altogether was a month of receiving and abundance.

With this year, I want to read more and shift my writing practice in a different direction. I want to prioritize education and keep a high gpa in my grad school program. I want to create experiences that my son will never forget. I’d like to focus on curating a home that is warm through art and more thoughtful design. These are just a handful of things that come to mind. Most of all, I just want to be happy and true to myself.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

When I contemplate life and all that it entails I have to give myself a really big pat on the back. I have evolved past habits that were counterproductive to my growth. To say that I evolved means I no longer do or have the desire to do these things I’ve evolved from.

The biggest thing about change is that it can’t happen unless you want it. When you feel the deep desire for a new reality - only then can you shift from one existence to another. The powerful thing is that all it takes is one decision to change your life. This thought is heavy on my mind and I only write here when I feel compelled to. That is the thing about my practice, it is honest and in real time.

When you make up your mind about anything, your whole world can change. Here are some things I made up my mind about in the last six months:

1. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. I stopped saying yes to things I wasn’t all the way on board with. I realized how short life is and how it should be spent doing things I love. Now I literally only do what I want to do. This has changed the quality of my life because now I am not anxious about upcoming things that I don’t want involvement in. I am excited to be an active participant of my own time.

2. Detachment. Letting go of thoughts, people and ideas that are not aligned with me. Letting things go (which I rambled about in my last post) is one of the most transformative things you can do for your life. Letting things go makes room for what is new. This is simple. Our attachments keep us holding onto things so tight that barely have meaning. Let it go. Be renewed.

3. Allow yourself the freedom to live. I wonder why we talk ourselves out of doing things we want to do. Life is here for you to enjoy. If you feel compelled to get up and take a walk - take the walk. If you want to go to Europe next year - plan and go. If you want to invite someone you’re interested in on a date - invite them! Stop waiting so long to do things you have genuine interest in. These days, I go crazy with telling myself yes. Before changing this about myself, I would wait forever for the simplest treasures. There is nothing for you to do here on earth but live your life. There is more to be said about why giving ourselves permission to be satisfied feels wrong - but that’s to be addressed in another post.

These three things have made me a happier person. I’ve become more mentally organized. I’ve become an expert at finding charm in my day to day life. It’s easy to get caught up in responsibilities and forget some of the changes that need to be made. Instead of boring yourself with goal based accountability, maybe you just need a change in perspective or daily practices.

THE POWER OF LETTING THINGS GO

Humanity has programmed us to believe that all endings are failures. We sometimes connect endings with death. Closings have been branded with defeat, which keeps us paralyzed in what is underserving. The truth is that endings are births. When one thing ceases to exist, something else is born in its place. Many fear that dormancy period of waiting in that empty space - until it is filled with what is better suited. With a mixture of patience and courage, develop the audacity to separate yourself from what is unhealthy and unenjoyable within the world you wish to create for yourself.

One lesson I’ve learned is that holding onto people, spaces, chapters and things out of fear is detrimental to maturation. I’ve also seen how setting things free develops a light in myself and what/who is being let go. Holding instruments and notions hostage paralyzes your creativity and room for expansiveness. Allow availability for the things you wish for. Fear is the monster. Scarcity mindset is the monster. Holding onto one tiny star when you deserve the galaxy will be a regret in the end.

This is me encouraging you to let it go. Whatever it is - so that you can move closer to your transcendental self.

Here are some examples of things you may need to let go of: addictions, unhealthy habits, relationships, jobs, misaligned goals, unnecessary commitments and responsibilities, thought patterns, hobbies you don’t even like, clothes, apartment/homes that don’t feel good anymore, physical things that hold trauma, hairstyle that no longer suits you (and the list goes on).

P.S. Earlier this month, I read ‘Notes on Shapeshifting’ by Gabi Abrao and it was enjoyable. It felt like I was reading a diary of thoughts. Some of it made sense to me while other parts did not. I enjoy her style of writing and find it similar to mine in regards to the ability to relate. It was a good read while I got my hair braided. I hope your January was liberating and fair to you.

xx C.

FIND PEACE - KEEP PEACE ISSUE 04

I am happy to announce that I am a contributor of ‘Find Peace, Keep Peace’ Issue 04. This is a printed publication by Colourblock studios. The Creative Director Lorenzo Diggins selected me to write a piece about ‘Legacy’. When I sat down to write, the first thing that came to me were the things I’d been taught and experienced. A big part of why I’m a passionate writer, educator and creative and parent derive from characteristics I inherited from my mother and grandmother. Myself, along with many other amazing artists were featured in this issue sharing their perspectives on legacy. If you would like to read my piece and purchase the newspaper, click this link.

Lorenzo is a black designer who owns a new art studio in Los Angeles. Working with him has been an absolute pleasure. What an honorable first collaboration of 2023!

CHECKING THE TEMP

Every previous year I’ve rushed into a new routine for myself. The newness of the year brought a desire to make sudden positive changes. This time, I didn’t commit to any dramatic transitions. I just let myself be. I continued the commitments created in the last six months. I think who I am today - is finally enough. I released the rigidness that the new year often brings catapulting us into impractical beliefs. Sudden forced change can disrupt our natural flow. The reality is that there isn’t much difference between the last day of the year and the 24 hours following into the new year.

Something that feels more authentic that I began was to create one or two achievable goals for myself monthly. Things that capitalize on what my reality is at this moment. Actions that are within my reach, but will also make me better. The intentions were to attend yoga four times, and get into my masters program by the deadline. So far - as of the 24th, I am in the program AND have been to yoga three times. My intention for next month are to help Phoenix write his name in a more legible state.

Changing the goals each month allows for all kinds of purpose to actualize itself. Perhaps all of the drastic changes I’ve made in the last few years have gotten me to a point where I don’t have to be so climactic. I like who I am and I think I am finally in my rhythm. This is a beautiful place to be which I think comes with your ‘30s’. This has to be that “peace” everyone was referring to that shows itself once you reach thirties. I understand my mission. I’ve made peace with it - the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects. I know all things wont go my way - but I still hold space for what will.

January has been enjoyable. I went home recently and visited with friends and family which filled my cup. I also got the opportunity to go to an art show which was really beautiful. I wanted to share a few images from that time in space. I am recognizing the value in how important it is to go home and be around my loved ones - especially in the colder months where I experience loneliness or boredom.

How are you feeling about the new year?

2022 RECAP/REFLECTIONS

I am days into the new year and still reflecting so much on 2022. Last year was a year of major transformation. It was my “me” year. The year where I prioritized myself more than anything else. I see how my choices shaped me into a new person with a whole new perspective. This thought propels me to actualize my current desires. I saw growth in myself last year that I haven’t seen since 2019. That was the last year I evolved so much that it was unbelievable. Breaking down my shifts month by month are what brings the healing and positive adjustments to the forefront.

January: Last January started off melancholy. My New Year’s Eve was emotional, but I still made the best of it. I was in some sort of rut filled with a mixture of uncertainty and fear. I could feel change coming soon and decided to welcome it regardless of how I felt. I spent some time at home with family in Houston, but the month itself was pretty hazy. I felt like I was “auto piloting” through every day.

February: Things began to shift by the second month of the year. I began to take real responsibility for my happiness. Realizing just how independent you must be in times of growth really got to me. Regardless of the presence of your family and immediate friends - doing “the work” can get so lonely. It wasn’t until this solitude was embraced that I was able to climb out of pessimism. Learning that I alone - was enough to maintain my pleasure was the key to expansion. I was on my way out of sad girl season and tapping into the best parts of my existence. The highlight of February was the birthday party I hosted at my house for my best friend, Lauren. I also had a birthday myself. Some aspects of no longer being 30 and coming into age 31 motivated me to be more accepting of life. I realized that I needed to find peace even in the midst of life’s turbulence.

March: This was such an amazing month for me. I took a trip to Miami with my good friend Rose and it was everything I needed. She was the perfect person to travel with and our trip was flawless. My confidence and sense of self skyrocketed in March because I was open to fun and socializing again -in a way like never before. I was intentional about getting out and making time to really live. I went home in March and met up with new and old friends. I went out dancing and spent a lot of time trying to teach Phoenix how to ride his bike. I was finding joy in being alive again - finding joy in all the details. This is also when I began to prioritize the beauty side of things keeping my hair and nails done at all times. I was getting weekly pedicures when my feet hurt after work and saying “hell yes” to whatever made me happy. March was also the start of the physical production of my book “Wildflower”.

April: The spring was absolutely beautiful. My nails were blue in April, which is a color I’d rarely select. I was still traveling so much and taking advantage of any time off. Phoenix and I went to the park a lot. One day in particular we went to the arboretum and I remember his frustration with not being able to catch the butterflies in his hands. I became a really rebellious person in April and did things the old me would never do. In April, I let people help me and love me. I no longer felt the need to be hyper responsible or in control of all things. By this time, I was knee deep in production of my book which took up a lot of my energy.

May: The best part of May this year was spending mothers day with my mom. This was the first mothers day in a while where it was just us two. We road tripped to Austin on a sunny day. We ate, we shopped, and we laughed together. To celebrate my 5th mothers day with my mom was so special. I felt like I had earned my mom stripes and she spoiled me rotten. I felt recognized and appreciated. When I was at her house the other day - I saw the plant I gave her for mothers day flourishing in her entryway.

In May, I danced and had so much fun at a Casa Bloom party with my friend Ashley. She is someone who I’ve been spending time with this year. This is a new beautiful friendship that I am so grateful for. She is always present and fun. I love friendships that are warm and easy.

I had the photoshoot for my book release, and prepared to say goodbye to my students for the summer. One day in May, I took off work and had a self care day. I started with yoga, then a nice relaxing shower. I then followed with a massage and hair appointment all while Phoenix was at school. This was also the month he graduated Pre-K!

June: This year Phoenix went to summer camp and left me with much needed free time. I got serious about working out. I worked out almost every single day. I would use the Nike run app to record my daily walks/runs. This helped me mentally organize so many loose thoughts and improved my focus.

I held copies of my book for the first time in June. We swam a lot at my moms house, and I visited with family again in Houston. My dad took me to the shooting range. I also traveled to Austin which was an interesting time. Being in nature with people I love always creates beautiful memories. I’d say the month of June was all about obsession with physical training and finishing the remaining work on my book.

July: My son had his 5th birthday. This was surreal for me. He had a chill birthday at the waterpark with his Dad and I. I remember wishing his party was cooler and more explosive. I did karaoke for the first time this July. It was exhilarating! I sang “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu. I went to Phoenix’s summer school and read to his class a couple times in July. This made me feel like a real parent!! I spent the end of July shooting and prepping for the release of “Wildflower” which was very stressful and expensive - yet rewarding in the end.

August: I cried like a baby on Phoenix’s first day of Kindergarten. It just felt different. In general, I am not a dramatic mom who cries at every milestone. I love watching Phoenix grow older and look forward to exploring his mind through thoughtful conversation in his teens. I jumped back into work and spent a lot of time packing and shipping book orders. This was also my first time teaching seniors in high school, as I taught juniors the previous year. I also spent a majority of August eating clean and preparing for a family vacation. Mid year was highly stressful but relief was around the corner.

September: In September I took a family trip to HAWAII. It was absolutely beautiful. The scenery and the time away from daily routine was beyond fruitful. I was proud of myself for making that happen and being able to financially provide that experience for my son. I also returned to Miami in September, making travel a big aspect of my month. I really craved the sun and the beach. It was hard for me to let go of summer this year. I was exercising my time and freedom a lot in September while ridding myself of a scarcity mindset. I was dedicated to living my dream life while also finding balance to maintain responsibilities.

October: SOCCER MOM STATUS. In October Phoenix wrapped up his soccer season. Although it wasn’t his favorite, it was nice to have a new shared dedication. It brought our family happiness seeing him try something new. His art teachers son was also on the team. At each practice I liked observing the different family structures of all the little players. By the end there was a cute little bond between the parents after all the exhausting, chaotic after school practices. Homecoming at my high school was adorable. Seeing my students in their school spirit costumes as seniors was beautiful. Halloween was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed trick or treating with Phoenix. He was a dinosaur. I also collaborated on a newspaper with my good friend Jakian about the history and awareness of black cowboys. I loved exercising my creativity in that way. October was beautiful.

November: My November began in New Orleans which was a dream. I had a really beautiful dinner with my mom and stepdad in November. They came into town and took me out and I appreciated it so much. Thanksgiving was a little somber, but I did cook an entire thanksgiving dinner on my own for the second time. It makes me proud to know I’m capable of hosting a dinner if I choose to. Next year, I will cook a non thanksgiving meal. I realized this year that I can be a little more unique in my approach to Thanksgiving. I did a lot of nesting in November, spending money on my home and making small upgrades in each room.

December: Probably the most beautiful and fun filled month ever. After having a Thanksgiving that was pretty lackluster, I was determined to make sure Christmas was everything and more. I ordered a 7 foot tree and it was beautiful. The first weekend of December was spent in Miami for Art Basel. Art Basel showed me the many ways I can expand as a writer. I felt inspired and came home with a lot of new ideas. I tried a new hairstyle for the first time, which I rarely do. I keep the same four hairstyles in rotation. That small change made a big difference and allowed me to see myself in a new light.

The second weekend of December I went to Austin and had the most amazing museum experience. I relaxed and rested in the cutest airbnb. The third week school was out for the remainder of the month and I spent that time really treating Phoenix and I to everything we desired. We were able to go to Houston and spend time with family. We shopped and ate a lot. Christmas Day was absolutely beautiful and fulfilling. December was the fullest month I’ve ever experienced. My new year was perfect, kind of like how it is in movies. It felt effortless and I was surrounded by people I love.

The major reoccurring themes in 2022 were travel, spontaneity, and self care (hair, nails, spa, physical health). I really took the time to just enjoy myself in all of the ways possible.

Lessons learned: Time is also an investment. Work smarter, not harder. Let people help you. Ask for help. Let people love you. Spend on quality/investments. Feel your feelings and then let them pass. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Get nails/hair done as a pick me up. Being a mother is a blessing. Isolation is not healing. Let people grow at their own rate.

How were your months last year? Reflect with me.

HOLIDAYS AREN'T ALWAYS GLITTERY

Growing up holidays felt like an enchanted time filled with family. I remember the excitement of linking up with my cousins and eating good food. The decorations, the music, the laughter - it was like just for that day everything was alright. My granny’s house was often our last stop because we knew we’d be there for the rest of the night - at least until midnight. Once I sensed the adults packing up or seeming ready to go begun the process of convincing my mom to let me spend the night with my cousins. She usually said yes. This was a time of catching up and a comfort of existing in whatever state life had brought us to. As an adult, I now understand the comfort and the warmth that the holidays brought. I understand now the importance of that consistency. Thanksgiving and Christmas was like a day that it felt like everyones birthday. A joy that is shared in effort and much preparation. A communal luxurious time filled with so much energy. The energy of audacity, looking good, seeking advice, showing off a new person you’re dating. Everyone seeing a new baby who’s just been born, and giving each other gifts - seeing each others reactions.

Now it seems that over time - death and growth have shifted the ways that holidays feel for me. Or - maybe as an adult I am more aware of the many truths of life that take away some of the holiday glitter that existed for me as a child. As families experience death, and then feuds, and loss, or separation - as more children are being born and families are breaking off into their own things change. As the pandem*c has shifted us into homebodies who are prioritizing individualized wellness and feelings of introversion. As - togetherness can seem like a threat to health - AS everything has seemed to burn itself to the ground and begin anew (so much) in the last five or so years - it all feels different to me.

As a mother, I am creating traditions that are realistic for Phoenix. I want all of his holidays to feel glittery like mine used to. I want him to get everything on his Christmas list. I want him to anticipate the food being ready as he awakens to the aroma of my offerings. I want him to look forward to it all. I am intentionally looking for ways to extract all the good things from holidays amid extreme capitalism and family drama which are both mildly inevitable. I recognize that my holiday does not have to look the same as everyone else’s and that I can customize our experience. Overall, I just want love, abundance and contentment over the next two months. How are you feeling about the holidays this time around? I think it is okay to reflect on some of the non glittery aspects that festive times of the year may bring. It’s also necessary to be honest with yourself and others about how you want this time to look.

THE RODEO RECORD

I recently had the pleasure of working on a project called ‘The Rodeo Record’ with one of my dearest friends Jakian Parks. Jakian is a photographer based in Oklahoma City who has a unique way of capturing black existence. Jakian and I met years ago when I lived in OKC. I discovered him on social media and we did some work together. We’ve been inseparable ever since! Although Jakian is young in age, he has such an old and genuine soul. He holds a beautiful balance of responsibility and jollification. I’ve never met anyone like him before. He inspires me because he is so committed to his craft in a way that shows he was put here to do this. The artists that influence me the most are the ones who are savages about their work - and he is exactly that.

I also have a deep love for Oklahoma City as I lived there for three years. I was pregnant with my son there, and heavily immersed into the community. Oklahoma City is such a small place that it’s easy to get to know people and move around the area quickly. As small as OKC is, there are many wonderful creatives who have such a unique approach to art and individuality. This is why it was a no brainer for me to write for TRR.

The Rodeo Record is a project focused primarily on the black ‘oklahomian’ cowboy experience. Within the team, we created a space where the black rodeo is showcased to others in a conversational way. Being a Texan, cowboy life is not new to me. Growing up I felt very in touch with the country aspect of blackness and the many ways we cultivate the land. Many black folks from other areas are unaware of how prevaleant cowboys are in our history. As a writer, it felt important to collaborate with Jakian because we need things to be written in our ‘language’. Writing for this project felt instinctive, although it was research based and cumbersome at times. Writing about blackness never gets old to me. It was also very refreshing to interview cowboys and wear my journalist hat. Interviews are one of my favorite writing genres.

Jakian continues to serve as a pillar for the rodeo community as a commemoration of his aunt who passed. She introduced him to that life and it continues through the community which is ‘The Oklahoma Cowboys’. To say that I am proud is an understatement, and I am so happy it is now shared with the world.

Graphics designer: @colinmoran_ Creative Development: @youllsea

I TOOK A NAP IN NEW ORLEANS

At last, I’ve reached a point in life that I feel like I can settle into. A space that I am comfortable to dance and exist fully in. I’ve caught my balance and I feel at ease. I feel at ease with my decisions and my day to day life. I feel at ease with my soul, my career, my parenting, my finances, my physical appearance. I feel at ease in my creativity and in my relationships. All of the inner work and tears and longing for contentment in everyday life is actualizing itself. I’ve discovered the path to true happiness. Even in moments of frustration or doubt I am still able to tap into gratefulness.

Simple things make me happy like being at home - in a space I carefully curated over time. I’ve been in this apartment for almost two years. I think it takes about that much time to gather all of what you need to make a home a home. You slowly collect things a long the way that contribute to the warmth of the place. There’s always been this incomplete feeling - I always thought I was missing art on the walls. I recently moved an antique dresser out of storage and into my apartment given to me by my grandmother. It seems the dresser really adds depth and fullness to the place. My apartment is quite modern - but the dresser brings an honesty and sturdiness to the space. It’s also become the perfect place for blankets and towels - as both my son and I’s bathroom have limited storage. I’ve gotten the lighting just right in each room and I feel more comfortable than ever before. I think when I first moved there - I stayed minimal out of fear of settling here too long. I’ve accepted that this space is more than just a pit stop for us.

Another thing that has become quite enjoyable is parenting. I’ve always loved my son - but never saw motherhood as “fun” on a regular basis. I look forward to picking him up from school and checking his folder to see what type of day he had. Now, he is old enough to joke with me and have preferences about what we eat for dinner. I am falling in love with my son and the rewards of our relationship. He is there to cover my feet when the cover doesn’t reach. He now says “bless you” when I sneeze. He shares his oranges with me - and lets me know how he feels about my outfits. Teaching him to write and sharpening his tools has become a challenge that is rewarding. He is hands down the best part of every thing in his awareness and maturation.

Mentally and emotionally, I have learned how much energy my career deserves. I know how to decide what needs my attention and what does not. I’ve learned how to not sweat the small things. I have good time management. Things I’ve been working on is being more spontaneous and taking more risks. I’ve become a lot more accepting of things I can’t control. I’ve been able to start creating again in new ways. I know how to still perform - even in fear of the result or failure.

I feel that my ability to love others is widespread in this season. I’ve been loving honestly, and in ways that feel real and natural. I think this is because I’ve been firm in the ways that I wish to be loved and appreciated. I want a life of genuine bonds and friendships. I feel so grateful for the beautiful connections that I have in my life at the moment. I feel supported, I feel adored, I feel uplifted. There is a newness and a rebirth after a long time of healing and emotion surfing this year. As 2022 comes to an end I think this is one of the best years I’ve had in a long time - one with the most growth.

Recently, I took a quick trip to New Orleans which was beautiful in every way. Travel is so essential to my spirituality and creativity. The first day there was rainy and I was mostly outside under an umbrella. I felt cleansed and refreshed opposed to gloomy and introspective. The second day was so warm like a summer Texas day. I took a nap, and explored. I was tired from play in New Orleans. It is interesting being exhausted from delight as opposed to responsibility. I also put this vintage dress on to capture the overall essence of the trip. I love the way vintage clothing fits my body. Measurements of the past are so much more realistic and intentional than clothes of these days. In this dress I felt womanly, and feminine.

I appreciate this space where I can come and ramble - whether anyone sees it or not. It is a treat to write just because.

Love always,

C.

CHANGES

Life is moving at lightening speed and slipping right through my fingers. It feels like July was just yesterday. I think time has been passing so quickly because of my schedule. There’s been a lot of high priority tasks to handle that consume me week after week. Lately, I’ve intentionally taken time to slow down and say no. No to projects, no to phone calls, no to events, just no. What’s even more perplexing than a hectic schedule is how much I’ve changed in the midst of showing up for all of my obligations. It feels important to shift my approach now and address things as the self I have become and not the self I once was. I think it is interesting how we just change over time - but don’t always have the cognizance to call it out or even notice. As I’ve prioritized groundedness, I see how it reflects my daily life.

I feel fearful when I notice myself slipping back into the headspace of the past me. While I am proud of my change, it is work to be consistent. This has been the most drastic change I’ve seen in myself in a long time.

The new me listens deeply to my intuition. I listen to everything she says and I apply her guidance to my movement. The new me has a beautiful relationship with money and finances. The new me spends and invests with confidence that all of my money will circulate it’s way back to me and/or multiply. I have ascended from a scarcity mindset and understand the natural fluctuation of cash flow. I am more generous to myself than I’ve ever been - in every way. The new me is very firm and sure, whereas before I was an indecisive person.

Another thing that has shifted in me is listening closer to my body. Doing a lot of research on the body and its functions. I’ve taken detailed notes on each component of my ‘moon time’ and the way that I’m affected with each phase. I’ve gone really deep into the mind, body and spirit of self. In this type of inner work and the amount of awareness it brings - I’ve unfortunately become more sensitive to everything. I have bouts where I want to be alone and wish to not be perceived at all. I find it obtuse how growth is so sacred, but has to be done simultaneously with everyday responsibilities to ensure survival. Regardless of where you are mentally, you still have to go out and commit to your day. So we are all naked mirrors moving through the course of life.

What catapults me into these major changes is looking at life on a grand scale. Once I start to process how short life is, and how we really only have one - I realize how important it is to be free. Free to feel, free to love and free to experience life in its fullness. As a parent, I also contemplate how I want life to FEEL - like really feel each day. How much love and accountability and organization is necessary for my child to have a good life. What isn’t enough? What is too much?

A new thing that’s in the forefront of my mind is - love. Acting out of love, and responding out of love. I want to be someone who is seen as loving and kind. Even in situations that are ugly or unideal, I still want to be graceful and cemented in my energy. So when I have a trying day with my son, I want to respond to him in a loving, but constructive way. When I am frustrated driving home in traffic, I try to honk less and not become emotionally consumed by not having control of the way other cars are driving. When I’m teaching my students and they have unruly moments, I try to respond in a way that displays devotion instead of frustration. All people deserve love and to be love - you can’t pick and choose when to embody it. I think this type of mentality will enhance my life and mitigate things like stress and resentment.

These are the thoughts on my mind lately. Even with all this said, I know that at the same time - none of it matters and that everything is everything. There’s space for it all.

Above in the picture are these handmade reflection questions I made for my friend Ashley. Her and her husband just got married and I sent about 40 cards to them as a gift. I love making things like this and creating opportunities for people to contemplate. Love is so beautiful and just like our shifts in life - we have to make time and space for this sacred deliberation.

SUMMERS OVER: HAWAII ON FILM

Over the years I’ve developed a love for film photography. Film shots tell a story and make you feel like you’re stepping back into that moment. Film is a dreamy and nostalgic medium. There’s beauty in the imperfection of each shot. I love that you can’t see how they look until after processing. This forces you to accept the moment and move on. Much of digital/iPhone photography is taking a picture again and again until it looks perfect. Film is real. Film is authentic. Film photography allows you to capture a moment and get back to enjoying real life - without the fixation and obsession of flawlessness. A friend of mine lent me a camera to take with me on this family trip to Hawaii and I finally got them back. Seeing these moments made me feel like I was there again - so today I’m sharing them with you.

This getaway to Hawaii was exactly what I needed. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to be somewhere I had never been before. Phoenix and I needed a break from our everyday routine. The best part about this trip was the length. I loved having almost a full week to just explore and be with family. Traveling with family is special to me because I live hours away from my hometown. This trip was also really special because it was Phoenix’s first time visiting a beach. He’s been asking me all year if we could go to the beach and I finally got to fulfill his requests.

WILDFLOWER RELEASE : SUNDAY - AUGUST 7, 2022

This moment has seemed so far for so long. The beginning stages of Wildflower established itself in January of 2021. Along the way I took breaks, some long - and some short. I mostly wrote in times of reflection, grief, and intense creativity. The first year required introspection and writing from a vulnerable place. The second year (most of 2022) was finding the appropriate way to actualize my writing into a tool others could utilize. Wildflower is very personal and aligned with my growth as I flow through seasons of life. The best part about the process for me is the self healing, and the genuine passion for creating. The brainstorming, the meetings, the merch design, and visuals are all aspects of the process that I truly enjoy. Below are some questions that offer more insight about Wildflower.

How did you decide on the title Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower at a fierce chapter in my life where I intentionally made decisions that were best for me. In this stage, I tried a lot of things for the first time. I made decisions in my life that may be seen as unorthodox or that others may disagree with. Wildflower speaks to the freedom that I called upon my life. Also, my last name is Flowers - so naturally Wildflower felt like the best title.

Who is Wildflower for? Wildflower is for anyone who is seeking a deeper connection with self. Wildflower is a mirror, and a space to explore discussions that are often avoided due to shame.

Why did you start writing Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower because I needed reassurance and inspiration to continue to grow through the inevitable oppositions connected to growth. Underneath doing the surface level “work”, is an opportunity to get even more connected to yourself - and thus everything else.

What chapter is your favorite? My favorite chapter is ‘Living In Your Truth’, because self acceptance is the first step to ascension.

What lessons did you learn in the journey of creating ‘Wildflower’? I learned that nothing is perfect and not to let imperfections stifle me. I learned to move forward with my process, even in fear. I learned that good things take time, and that I can’t do everything on my own.

What is the difference between Wildflower and ‘Ode to 20s’ ? I feel that Ode to 20s is a classic piece of enlightenment and “rite of passage” feeling book. Wildflower is a deeper and more detailed practice of empowerment and strengthening self worth. Ode to 20s is smaller in size and more of a zine style book. Wildflower is sturdy and lengthy. Both books are transparent and written from a loving place.

PHONE CALLS

Lately, Ive been thinking about the tools we use when we’re in distress. I’ve decided that our tools depend on our level of discomfort. Level one upset may mean you just need a nap. Level two upset perhaps a workout can fix things. But when I am really down in the dumps I pick up my phone. When I want to feel grounded, phone calls do the trick every time. I may call my Granny or my Dad, and something about the call brings solace - even if I never spoke of my issue or current obstacles. I think elders can feel grief and know how to reassure others out of this low place.

When I feel emotionally unorganized, a two hour conversation with my best friend brings clarity. The opportunity to get my thoughts out of my head and make sense of them is powerful. Having someone that will listen without judgement and offer perspective is a beautiful way out of self destruction.

I think there’s beauty in someones voice or conversation bringing you peace. I think there’s beauty in feeling better afterward because of them. I’ve been getting calls lately from dear people just checking in and it made me wonder if they were searching for comfort in me. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, speaking with someone who loves you is a very quick healing tool that I urge you to use. This isn’t about dumping your issues on others, but seeking the support that you truly deserve.

Happy Sunday: If You Want To Feel Something

Just sharing this video because it had me in tears this morning while I was baking blueberry muffins! Watching live music videos is one of my favorite past times. How magical is it to see artists perform the songs we love? We create our own stories and feelings around songs, but to see the delivery is special. While I don’t consider myself a Summer Walker fanatic, I really love this specific song. I listen to it often. ‘Session 32’ is a heartbreak classic. I feel that her music is powerful because her writing is so real and written from deep emotion.

Something else I love about her is that when she performs she sings the songs HOW THEY’RE RECORDED which makes it easy to anticipate her next note and sing along. There’s another video I watch of hers all the time where she sings this same song. THIS version is my new favorite and she barely even sings. I began to get teary eyed before she did. Imagine this many people singing and resonating so deeply with something that you created. The same way the crowd is singing her song is the same way I sing it in my car.

Chloe`

Wildflower Talk

Much like most of my work, Wildflower was a long letter to myself. The (me) trying to grow in various ways despite life’s up and downs. Something I’ve learned about others through my writing is that we are all so much alike. We share some of the same fears and triumphs. When writing ‘Wildflower’, I became my own place of refuge and healing. I began to write about all the topics I felt called to address. Somebody has to sacrifice and put it all out there so people can know they aren’t crazy - but human beings. Our experiences connect us all in a profound way. Similarly to my last project, ‘Ode to 20s’, I touched on subjects that are often shunned due to shame.

This project took a lot out of me. There were challenges the entire way. With Wildflower I’ve grown stronger in the way that I handle relationships and conflict. I am less reactive and more accepting. I also am better at digesting bad news and some of my fears becoming reality.

Before Wildflower releases, I do want to offer more information about what it entails. Wildflower is a guide created to bring you closer to yourself. Wildflower is a gentle approach to looking within and making adjustments that bring peace and a life of higher quality. Each chapter of Wildflower is unique in its own way addressing many of the things we avoid or just don’t have the tools to handle.

Table of Contents:

Soul Ascendence & Growth:

Living In Your Truth
Decision Making
Creative Roadblocks
Knowing Your Worth
Flow > Force
Designing Your Life

Inevitable Dark Clouds:

Ending Cycles
Social Awkwardness & Making Friends
On Loss
Approaching Your Fears
On Acne
Low on Money

Mystic Romance & Beyond:
The Cord Cutting Meditation
How A Date Should Feel
Someone Who Really Loves You
Inward Empathy & Coping
Time & Disagreements
Real Love

Childhood & Parenting:
You’re A Good Mother, sis
Nurturing Your Inner Child
On Parents, Biological Parents, Stepparents
For Single Mothers

I will make another post closer to the release date of Wildflower sharing images and more information. Something I want those who support me to know is that I sourced everything for Wildflower. I wrote the entire book, using my life experiences, intuition and education. I hired a graphics designer and an editor. I paid upfront for the production and printing the first set of “Wildflower”. I curated my own marketing and promotion content. I created the shoot and film concepts. I will touch and wrap every book myself - as well as ship each one out to you with my own time and materials. Wildflower is self published. There were no short cuts with this project, and it was created with genuine love. I feel like I’ve waited forever to share this with you all. Patience has been the teacher, and I’ve been the student.

Chloe’

Image by: Jakian Parks

'Afros' by Marc Mayes

I am feeling the reemergence of my former self mixed with the newness of who I am becoming. I lost some characteristics that I really loved about my past self that took work to reacquire. Sometimes, the realities of life can chip away at the most charming elements of our personalities. I’m finding it important to understand that change is good - but not everything has to change. Character building and self growth is rearranging the perfect elements of myself until I feel balanced.

Some new things that have manifested within myself is focus. I used to procrastinate so much, but now I approach things head on. The relationship I have with my intuition is the strongest it’s ever been. My intuition is my guide and my friend. I am less reactive than I used to be. I let people and things shift as they need and I continue on my own wave. I am less hard on myself when I “fail” or don’t meet certain expectations. More grace and patience with human existence brings me comfort. I have evolved into someone who understands that money has to be spent to be made. I accept that my finances ebb and flow - and I no longer allow money to define my contentment in life.

Another thing that has changed is how I seize the moment and CALL OUT joy when I’m experiencing it. Now - when I feel joyful and moved, I acknowledge the feeling and truly savor it. I find it easier to recall happy memories when I am present and genuinely feeling those attached emotions in their entirety. I simply say “I am so happy right now”. This calls power and significance to the moment and gives whoever is with me a suggestive practice of calling out joy.

I have also restructured my relationship with social media - which used to be an obstacle for me. Finding ways to maintain my original thoughts and authenticity on such a superficial platform was DIFFICULT. Now I understand that I can stay true to myself in any entity with self control and real appreciation for knowing myself. This requires standing firm in my personal belief system. I’m also more confident with expressing my beliefs regardless of how I could be perceived by others. I can feel the trueness in some of my favorite influencers, and this brings me peace that others will/can feel it from me.

These images were shot earlier this year with photographer (@thebenchmarc). I love when old projects re-emerge. The Chloe` in these images shot back in April would be so proud of todays July Chloe`.

CRYING IN YOGA

My yoga class this Sunday was taught by a man. Yoga is obviously a female dominated world, but I noticed that I have a much more fulfilling experience with classes led by men. This is a recent observation I made after a class last month. The instructions are much more clear and straight to the point. There’s less use of fancy yoga sanskrit and the class seems to be focused around the physical benefits and how much goodness can be squeezed into an hour. Men also describe what certain positions are doing for certain areas of your body, which allows you to understand things from an athletic or anatomical standpoint.

This class started off pretty normal, but it was intense throughout. I felt challenged, but not in a way of defeat. I had gone on a run earlier that day and needed a good stretch. I should also mention that this is hot yoga, where the temperatures in the room are up to 100 degrees. As the class progressed I became more and more drenched with sweat. Each movement was beautifully built upon the last and the sequence had so much intentional flow. I felt that the entire class received the same energy from the instructor as I had. When I looked around, I noticed that everyone was deep into the movements and dedicated to their individual practice. Commitment was in the air.

Toward the end of the class when we did our final stretches and conscious breathing I was overcome with emotions. These emotions took over me and developed tears within thirty seconds. I was laying on my back in “happy baby” position. Luckily, I could turn my head toward the window and let my tears flow. I was so confused. I didn’t think that I was sad or upset about anything. In the moment, I surrendered to the tears but I didn’t know whether they were from sadness or frustration.

In general, I can be melancholy and pessimistic. I am not afraid to cry and process emotions. In fact, sometimes I cry for a release and as a self care practice. I typically ruminate on what is bothering me and if it is moving enough then I will cry. In this class - the tears were instant. I wondered what was up with me. I was so curious as to why I was suddenly overcome with such strong emotion.

As soon as I got in my car, I googled “crying during yoga” and many articles popped up. Apparently, this happens to people all of the time and is considered normal. I sat in my car and read for about twenty minutes. The articles said that hip opening positions can bring some to tears because as humans thats where we store a lot of stress.

I taught yoga for years and never experienced anything like this. I will be returning to that class every other Sunday, it was cathartic. How often do you cry? Do you cry easily? Should you cry more?

'SUMMERTIME'

I am manifesting many things for my summer. Making the most use of my time is important to me this year. I also feel that I know the value of a real “free” summer now that I have the hang of teaching. Every summer before this one felt like me just catching my breath from the school year ending. This year, things ended peacefully and in a more organized way. I did my grading ahead of time and began to pack my classroom up early so I wouldn’t have to scramble around last minute. I even had a spa day toward the end of the school year as a nice treat to myself. One thing I will say about being an educator is that it gets easier and easier as the years pass. This fall will be my fourth school year!

This summer I hope to have somewhat of a transformation. My excuse for neglecting some of my personal responsibilities is “time” and not having enough of it. Now, I have all the time in the world - so I’m challenging myself to see what I’ll do with it. I hope to teach Phoenix how to write his name and be more hands on with his learning. I always dreamt of the opportunity and energy to homeschool him - and summer really is my chance. I hope to do many activities with him - such as visiting the zoo and taking nature walks together. He turns 5 this summer and he understands so much more about the world.

I also wish to incorporate healthy habits into my life again. I’ve always been relatively healthy - but i want to take things up a notch. I want to be one of those women who look and feel vibrant in their 50s. I know that my habits now will contribute to what my wellness looks like then. Of course I want to look beautiful but more importantly - I want to feel good inside. Staying active and learning more about my body will take the front seat this summer and I’m pretty excited about my evolution. I hope to gain more focus and energy moving into the fall months.

Late summer, I will be releasing something very special to me that has been a work in progress for about a year. I have many emotions surrounding this moment in my life and it is a lot to process on a daily basis. I’ve had to make a lot of important decisions and also be still so that I can hear myself. I have invested a lot of money and time into this project. While I am excited to share it with the world, I also am combating a lot of fear as well (which I think is normal as an artist).

There’s a lot of mental/emotional work to be done. One thing I need to work on is leaving the past in the past. Sometimes, I can be quite reflective of moments that don’t even matter anymore. I still analyze them and try to make sense of them even though these moments are not alive. I think my brain tries to use the past to make sense of the present moment, but life does not work like that. I also need to work on not allowing heavy emotions to effect my productivity.

I am grateful for June/July. This is the time for me to really get my shit together and organize my spirit. I wish everyone got this kind of time to pause and regroup. I won’t let it go to waste. What are some things you look forward to initiating this summer? Please enjoy these pictures of my best friend Lauren and I having a girls day together a couple weeks ago.

MOTHERHOOD

I’m really “in my feelings” as this Mother’s Day approaches because I feel I’ve done the MOST WORK this year. My son is the busiest and the most opinionated he’s ever been. He’s the most expensive, and he also has a life and schedule of his own now. Being celebrated on Mother’s Day is something most moms deserve, but this time around - I know for a fact that I deserve it. I’ve put a lot of work into him and myself between now and last May. As my responsibilities heighten in my own world of parenthood it leads me to more admiration for my mother. My love for her extends each year as I gain more awareness of what it is to be a mom.

At this stage, there is a lot of repetition and creating routines. These boundaries not only hold my son accountable, but myself as well. Lately, I’ve been a little more gentle with us both in regards to skipping a night of story time if the energy isn’t there. This morning we were a little late getting him to school. He was eating his waffles so calmly and he looked at peace. I didn’t want to rush him through his meal or interrupt his moment so I waited. That’s where we are right now - wedged in between structure and his own personal needs.

I really enjoyed this Vogue video with Kehlani because she also speaks to how linear her growth is to her child. I just thought it would be nice to share with you all. Happy Early Mothers Day. <3